Updates

How To Get Evicted From Prison, No. 11

“May the palette to paint a picture of antiquated modern fixtures arresting the development of those who need it most find me and assign me the building up and redefining of all the things that one is capable against the will of their host.”
— #0000082431

My early morning shower is the highlight of my day. Because the rhythm of the water offers me solace, and the steam an escape from sobriety’s reign. If salvation can be found, it will be found in the rain nook, alone and underwater, where my brain is free to range.

Right now, I’m sacredly swimming through the depths of thought and ritual, attempting to distill from the vapors some tangible meaning to replenish through my veins all the life that I’m bleeding.

For the moment I’ve forgotten that our people that have abandoned us, loaded us on a plane headed deep in the South and delivered us to GEO for privatized punishment. For the moment I’ve forgotten that I’m crammed into filth, packed into a room with twenty-two others for a sluggish procession of time-thieving days.

For the moment I’ve forgotten.

Forgotten.

Forgotten for the moment that–

I have been forgotten.

Beating against the curtain, the water drowns out all the noise.

“Hey! What the fuck are you doing?!”

Usually, anyway–

“Call your backup then, motherfucker! We’re not dealing with this today!”

Usually the water drowns out all the noise.

Begins another battle that I’m sure to lose with buoyancy:

The oxygen
opposes me,
forcibly inflating my lungs–
too quickly comes the surface…

It’s time to start the day.

I turn the nozzle till it squeaks and stick my head out of the shower.

A wayward regiment of corporate malefactors is raiding our village in pedestrian force: trifling obnoxious, accosting our bunks, not a pack or a herd but a parody of mongrels–nefariously armed with box-cutting switchblades, adamantly attacking inanimate lines as if deemed by an admiral our enemy stronghold.

As makeshift tents fall to the floor and get swept in the current of underfoot rage, I find that rudely constructed partitions of linens fare no better in battle than Alamo Texans.

Someone asleep has woke from their bunk and signaled the others with expletive yelling.

A sergeant is telling him he’s going to the Hole, and ordering an underling to “go on and grab him.”

Cuffs in his hand, his legs don’t want to move. His apprehension is triggering everyone’s senses.

Both sides of the room begin wading through foment: the trepidation, swelling, is sure to prove costly.

“He’s not going to the Hole,” says the younger of the brothers, our herald from Max. He’s standing in the way with an irritant smile, bearing the fruit that only blossoms with violence.

His elder, by his side, won’t let him feed alone. “No one here is going to the Hole!” It’s an order to us and a warning to them. And the heat from its service springs an atmosphere change.

Those of ours wearing shirts begin taking them off, revealing as they do deadly scars and tattoos–histories told without anyone speaking: among us are killers whose demons were sleeping.

Opportunities, family, and affection from loved ones–those are the reasons back home we behaved.

Here there are none.

No Fucks To Give.

Just adrenaline–spiking–send it around.

With half of ours now protecting the target, and the other half, in their underwear, lacing up their shoes, I wrap with a towel and walk to my bunk. Where a uniformed stray is making a mess.

He’s a little too young to be scared and out of place, and I’m all but excited to catch him raiding red-handed. Quickly I surmise the only thing that he’s taken is an unhealthy interest in the seat of my underwear. “What do you think, man? Smell clean enough?”

“Huh?” As confused as he is, he’s easy to startle. And the radio on his shoulder is broadcasting Hell. Blaring by his ear in a bout of schizophrenia, cracked, cackled calls are screeching wrong directions. Much feedback is coming from his counterparts’ grouping–defensively huddled, they’re all calling for help.

In a concious decision he offers them none.

I point at the briefs in his hand but he’s focused on the door, silently praying that backup is coming. Because he’s awfully out of place and obviously uncomfortable, I ask if his mother knows how he pays her bills: “¿Cuántas parajes sexuales tiene?”

“What?”

Realizing the barrier between us goes far beyond language, I lift my foot to the bunk for an industrious stretch, and direct his attention to my issue with the towel. “The thread count seems to be all right, but there’s bound to be a problem without having any leg holes.”

“Oh. Sorry,” he says, instructing his grip to relinquish my drawers.

“No worries,” I say, and lose the towel with a wink.

When both legs are finally invested, I nod towards the commotion, nonsexually prodding: “So, what’s with the bullshit?”

“Seguda,” he spits: The Comeuppance of Curse Words.

Of course–

Because of the laundry.

Yesterday, someone’s laundry was hanging from the ceiling, using the cool push of a vent to recover from a soak. Seguda sprung her leash and started barking all irate, promising to confiscate anything left when she curly-tailed back after making her rounds. The owner of the apparel was quick to take it down. He was also quick to sit at a table with a spoon and the beans they brought for noon and grievously streak both sides of his undies before strategically returning them right back where they hung.

Then, he pushed his face between the bars that make the hallway window and obnoxiously lobbied as loud as he could: “Seguda! They don’t respect you. SEGUDA! They said you won’t confiscate shit! You’re gonna have to show ’em you mean business.”

When Seguda returned to the scenic display, she found herself greeted by an animated foreground. “Behold!” said the squishy face wedged between bars, flinging an arm to route her attention. Behind it, flapping from the ceiling in the flow of the vent: one loud, lonely pair of prison-issue underies, evincing one’s reeling from the wrong kind of rampage while flying as the flag set to consecrate our parish.

“I tried to tell ’em,” he said. “I said, ‘If you guys wanna keep ’em, you better take ’em down.’ Do you think they listened to me? Hell no. They ain’t got no respect for you, woman. But I guess there ain’t shit on a shingle you can do about that…”

Our straight faces struggled. We prayed her coming in.

She stood there and processed for a good solid minute, but equine in her menses, she sensed enough to spook. “You think I don’t get it? You WANT me to confiscate them, don’t you? Ha. Ha. Very funny, guys. I’m not falling for that one.”

And then she steered away like an old wobbly bovine.

Right to the notebook, we’re learning. Where, to the morning shift’s tasks, she added fucking up our day.

“Makes sense,” I say, pardoning the youngster.

“Yeah,” he says. “She’s a real cowhole.”

The sound of boots makes its way down the hall.

Opening the door, it’s canisters first. There must not have been time to grab the good equipment. Or maybe they’re hoping a dozen is enough.

Closest to the door, it’s my job to greet them. “Mornin’.”

They’re itchy on the trigger but don’t really want to spray us. Not without masks or proper ventilation. Chances are it’d do more harm than good. Even with the tears and the snot and the choking on puke, the shock value is lost when you’ve eaten enough–and it’s hard to imagine more than a few of theirs have.

Because no one appreciates being threatened with an ordnance, “What the fuck you wanna do?!” is the chorus from our crowd.

With the weight of the chaos distributed equally, “Okay,” says the sergeant, cautioning all moves. “It wasn’t our choice to come in here like this. We were just following orders. Let’s all relax and take a moment–”

“Our moment-taker’s broken, motherfucker! Get the fuck out of our house.” Some types of guys are only tough in a crowd. And those are usually the guys that have the best lines. Because for years they’ve been rehearsing while awaiting their moment. Watching them shine is often times cute.

“Okay.” The sergeant’s open hands are held where we can see them. “We’re going to leave, but we’ll talk about this later. In the meantime, you guys can’t hang your laundry between your bunks like that. Okay?”

The brothers agree with it sounded out fair. “You hear that guys? No more hanging your laundry like that.” — “Yeah guys. Did everybody learn their lesson?”

“Yes,” moans our crowd.

“And we have to take this,” says someone’s mother, hoisting the bag full of liquid we were brewing in the trashcan. Third day in, it was coming along swell.

A look from the sergeant makes sure we understand.

Of course we understand. We’ll have to brew another.

As their parody of mongrels evacuates our unit, the juice that was cooking gets handed to the youngster. He’s told to find a trashcan and throw it away. “And make sure it’s not the one that they were just using.”

He’s the last one to leave, and our unruly crowd is accosting him gently–all underwear and sneakers and the power of telepathy. “Sorry, guys,” he says, lingering at the door. “You heard it. They gave me an order.”

And then, removing the lid from the can in foyer, he deposits the brew in its bag in the trash by the door, and allows our man closest to keep it from closing.

It’s nothing less than a fine display of sportsmanship.

The kind that makes us proud to adopt him as our son.

“Back Door Man”
–The Doors

First Amend This!: An IDOC Newsletter, Feb. 2021

Previous: First Amend This!: An IDOC Newsletter, Jan 2021

WELCOME to the February issue of First Amend This!

Brought to you by The Captive Perspective and made available at bookofirving82431.com. This publication provides an insider’s look at issues affecting the Idaho Department of Correction community.

If you wish to assist this effort, share the link, cut and paste, or print and send a copy to another.

GET INVOLVED

IDOC will be holding monthly Townhall With Leadership meetings all through 2021. Submit your questions to brightideas@idoc.idaho.gov using the subject line “Qs for leadership,” and be sure to attend the meetings to keep the conversation going.

Offender friends and families interested in networking concerns are encouraged to join the Idaho Inmate Family Support Group (IIFSG) on Facebook.

EDITOR’S NOTE

IDOC did good this month. It’s possible, in fact, that IDOC does some good every month, and that I, much like the rest of society, spend too much effort equating their existence to the worst that they’ve done when positive reinforcement might encourage more of the good stuff.

Call me crazy, but along those lines I decided to piece together an issue with the assistance of staff*, and present a state department comprised of individuals, who, at the end of the day, are (mostly) just less criminal versions of ourselves. Versions that get to leave prison every day and go home to their families, only to have muster the will to voluntarily come back. This alone conveys some kind of commitment–and not the kind you’d expect from your typical sadist.

Many of you may not know that, to his lawyers, this editor commonly expresses something like gratitude, for aside from some shadiness aired in the past, the Department has done well to tolerate his freedom of speech, however inappropriate at times he may be. Considering the stressors and horrors reported by others who’ve publicly dissented from their own DOCs, kudos are owed to the staff I see daily for having have never given me reason to think that I’m treated unfairly.

Of course, I can’t say that without saying this: F*ck you, GEO! We know what YOU did.

With that out of my system, this month of thunder belongs to IDOC, and I’m privileged to be the guy that no one asked to bring it to you.

So, without further ado, let’s First Amend This!

*In no way has this presentation been sanctioned. The editor simply has an understanding of Fair Use and copyright law. Meaning this issue’s staff articles came courtesy of idoc.Idaho.gov. (A site we recommend to our correctional community.)

FOLLOWING LAST MONTH’S ISSUE

Solutions were implemented at IMSI to allow RHU residents daily use of the outdoor rec modules. Due to issues related to COVID, access prior to this change was restricted to every other day. This resident credits the change with improvements to his mental- and physical health.

Lunch portions at IMSI were addressed. It was noted that COVID played a factor in the menu change. With distributors unable to meet product demands, staff said they adapted to the best of their ability.

Our requests for public records have been returned with helpful instructions to expedite the process. We look forward to making those records available as soon as we get them.

A series of confiscated mail mishaps have been addressed, and extra staff has been assigned to prevent the issue from recurring in the future.

We thank IDOC for their efforts, and we are hopeful to report more positive changes soon.

TVCRC RESIDENTS DONATE GIFTS TO ST. LUKE’S CHILDREN’S HOSPITAL

by TVCRC Manager Amy Welsh

Residents at the Treasure Valley Community Reentry Center participated in a fundraiser organized by Corporal Mike Dorris, ultimately raising more than $1,000 and providing 171 gifts to Santa’s Toy Box at the St. Luke’s Children’s Hospital.

Santa’s Toy Box is an annual event at St. Luke’s Children’s Hospital, which aims to minimize holiday pressures for families of sick children by allowing parents of patients to “shop” free of charge and select a gift for each child in the family.

Due to the quarantine status of TVCRC’s residents, toy donations were delivered by Cpl. Dorris, Sgt. Davina Lau, Case Manager Christopher Contreras and Case Manager Shelbie Webb, who report that St. Luke’s staff greatly appreciated these generous donations from our residents.

The willingness of TVCRC’s residents to give to those in need will help provide a much happier Christmas to our community, whose families are experiencing very difficult circumstances.

We took great pride in wishing a very Merry Christmas from everyone at our TVCRC.

IDOC BUDGET INCREASE

IDOC is poised to see a budget increase of just .7% for the next fiscal year, the smallest increase, according to legislative budget documents, in over a decade. Under Governor Brad Little’s proposal, just $1.8M will be added to the budget from last year, making the total to be appropriated from state and general funds $283.1M.

With last year’s increase a whopping 12.6%, and a ten-year average of 6.7%, legislative budget analyst Jared Hoskins is cautious to point out that this year’s diminutive budget boost may not hold if the $8.3M saved from Medicaid expansion has to be added back to departmental expenses should the expansion be repealed.

Additionally, while facility populations have decreased from 9,027 at IDOC’s fiscal start of 2019 to 8,775 at that of 2020’s, the decrease correlates with courts delaying trials to avoid the spread of COVID. According to Director Tewalt, compared with last year, the number of people waiting in county facilites for transport to IDOC has seen a substantial drop. But once people are able to be sentenced and processed, those Department numbers will effectively change.

During a January 19 budget hearing, held by the Joint Finance-Appropriations Committee meeting, Idaho Senator Steve Blair of Blackfoot agreed: the Department’s projections have yet to account for COVID’s judicial stand-still.

In the same meeting, State Representatives Caroline Nilsson Troy of Genesee and Colin Nash of Boise voiced concerns that county property taxes were seeing indirect raises to accommodate the ever increasing Correctional budget. They also noted that it costs local facilities more to maintain when their capacities increase with holds destined for State.

The planned budget increase will allow IDOC to conclude the multi-million dollar replacement of their Offender Management System. The cost of adding 130 beds added to the St. Anthony’s work camp is also included in the proposal.

Source: Betsy Z. Russell, “Idaho Prisons Could See Smallest Budget Increase In a Decade,” idahopress.com.

D-5 STAFF HELP SANTA DELIVER DESPITE COVID

by Employee Unknown

During a home visit, SPPO Nikkia Liles was speaking with one of LPPO Taylor’s client’s child. The child mentioned that Santa could not make it due to COVID this year, though he might try and mail something to them. SPPO Liles advised her TAC Officer LPPO Julie Taylor of what she was told and they encouraged and rallied P & P employees in D-5 to “make Christmas happen for these kids,” writes D-5’s Marie Hoffmier.

Marie says the children’s father was overcome with emotion when he learned of the generosity of the D-5 staff.

FAT! BOOK DRIVE

ATTN: Institutions of higher education. If you’re no longer using your outdated materials, please consider sending them our way.

And to everyone else: We’re currently seeking books, preferably therapeutic or cerebral, to be reviewed by our editor and donated to the IMSI library. Contributions must be sent from a retailer or publisher to the address below in accordance with IDOC Mail Policy.

Patrick Irving 82431
c/o FAT! Book Drive
IMSI
PO Box 51
Boise, ID 83707

Last month we received the following contributions from Diamond Guitar-Judd of the Idaho Inmate Family Support Group, the Asheville Poetry Review, and our beloved editor’s ingrate family. To all those who’ve taken an interest in our development and emotional well-being, we very sincerely thank you!

Emotional Intelligence 2.0 by Travis Bradbury and Jean Greaves
The New Jim Crow by Michelle Alexander
The PTSD Workbook by Mary Beth Williams Ph.D., LCSW, CTS and Soila Poijula Ph.D.
Wife After Prison by Sheila Bruno
Asheville Poetry Review by Various Authors
Snow Crash by Neal Stephenson
The Three Body Problem by Cixin Liu
The Proud Highway: Saga of a Desperate Southern Gentleman by Hunter S. Thompson
2018/19 Prison Lives Almanac–Prisoner Resource Guide Edition
How To Invent Everything: A Survival Guide For The Stranded Time Traveler by Ryan North

DISTRICT 7 STAFF SERVE MEALS AT THE IDAHO FALLS SOUP KICHEN

by District 7 Probation & Parole Manager Glenda Thomson

Lead PO Joyce Cumpton, PO Natalie Lloyd, PO Kasey Champion, Section Supervisor Dan Ziegler, Section Supervisor Lanny Taylor and District Manager Glenda Thomson prepared, packaged and served spaghetti lunch to the community and to the residents at the Community Crisis Center.

The Idaho Falls Soup Kitchen recently posted on Facebook that they were in need of volunteers, and this team stepped up without hesitation.

Not only did they serve food [for the day], but they signed up to do a few more days in the new year to keep the Soup Kitchen functioning.

SIX RECEIVE YEARS OF SERVICE CERTIFICATES AT ICIO

by ICIO Lt. Greg Heun

Corporal Larry Jones received his 20-year certificate. Larry has worked numerous duties at Idaho Correctional Institution-Orofino. In the past he spent some time at Special Projects and was an original member of the North Region Honor Guard (recently retired from the team).

Deputy Warden Kent Shriver received his 25-year certificate. Over the past 25 years, Kent performed many duties for the department. Prior to his promotion to deputy warden, Kent was on the North Region Correctional Emergency Response Team (CERT), serving just short of 20 years. He finished his duty as the CERT commander.

Food Service Supervisor Margaret Hight received her 10-year certificate. Margaret started out as an officer and, with her talents, moved into the FSS position at ICIO. Margaret is also a member of the North Region Crisis Negotiation Team and has been on the team over four years.

Sergeant Sergio Medrano received his 5-year certificate. Sergio has worked most positions at ICIO and has been on the North Region Correctional Emergency Response Team (CERT) for most of his time in the department. He currently is the Assistant Shift Commander, A-Nights.

Corporal Cheri Mozley received her 10-year certificate. Cheri is a past member of the North Region Honor Guard team and currently is the ICIO Special Projects Corporal and oversees maintenance of the ICIO/Projects vehicle fleet. Her mother, Jeanne Moss, after 20 years retired this month from SICI Special Projects.

Corporal Candie Burgess received her 15-year certificate. Candie has worked most positions at ICIO and is a past member of the North Region Honor Guard team. She is currently the Response and Escort Corporal on A-Nights.

MOSS RETIRES AFTER 20 YEARS

by Administrative Assistant LeeAnn Cochems

Correctional Officer Jeannie Moss’s retirement was celebrated December 9, 2020, at the Southern Idaho Correctional Institution, honoring twenty years of dedicated service.

Warden Noel Barlow-Hust and her leadership team expressed a deep appreciation for Moss who, at one point, was one of very few female correctional officers at IMSI and a trailblazer for women in corrections.

Moss spent much of her IDOC career as a member of the SICI Vocational Work Projects Team.

Lieutenant Stephen Grill and the projects team recognize her incredible dependability, work ethic and demonstration of great leadership.

Moss’s family, who are also IDOC employees, were standing by as Warden Barlow-Hust and Lt. Grill presented her recognition of service awards for a job well done.

Best wishes, Jeannie, you will be missed!

WE REGRET TO INFORM YOU

The librarian at ISCC was charged last month for having felonious sexual contact with an inmate.

A 63-year-old sergeant was charged last month with first degree stalking. Hired by the department in 2001, the sergeant has since been placed on administrative leave and is temporarily relieved of his duties in Boise.

An IMSI resident found hanging in their cell January 10 passed away January 12, despite life-saving efforts. The thirty-seven-year-old’s death was investigated as a suicide.

COVID NEWS

Over 21,500 tests have been administered to IDOC residents in three states. More than 4,000 have identified positive, and six inmate deaths have been reported as COVID-related.

ACLU Idaho and the law firm Shearman & Sterling remain in close contact with IDOC while monitoring all forms of COVID-related issues. Correctional clients with concerns are invited to participate in the dialogue by forwarding their COVID experiences to:

ACLU Idaho
PO Box 1987
Boise, ID 83701

IDOC’s SCC population hasn’t seen any more testing since they first arrived to the Arizona facility with a large number of infected cohorting among them. Other DOCs sharing the facility reported an explosion in cases following Idaho’s arrival.

IDOC staff have been sharing their vaccine experiences over social media to help promote the safety of the vaccine prior to the Department receiving their allotment.

View IDOC’s COVID numbers here.

CONTRACTS

According to the Clearwater Tribune, the Board of Clearwater County Commissioners entered into a Work and Financial Plan Agreement with the IDOC Vocational Work Project and the Idaho Correctional Institution in Orofino on January 4.

Details of the contract are currently unknown.

RENICK ON THE RADIO

With over 100 episodes available for streaming, Mark Renick hosts Victory Over Sin, on KBXL 94.1FM, Saturdays at 12:30 pm.

This month, Renick hosted a clinical social worker and a representative of the Veterans Justice Outreach Services to discuss the challenges people face with incarceration, and to share resources available to Veterans through the VA. Working with community partners, the VA’s Justice Outreach Program has much to offer in the way of housing-, mental health- and employment services.

According to VA.gov: “The mission of the Veterans Justice Programs is to identify justice-involved Veterans and contact them through outreach, in order to facilitate access to VA services at the earliest possible point . . . [this is accomplished] by building and maintaining partnerships between VA and the key elements of the criminal justice system.”

In a January 16 interview, author and Gonzaga School of Law Professor George Critchlow discussed topics related to his book “The Lifer and the Lawyer: A Story of Punishment, Penitence, and Privilege.” Written in collaboration with Michael Anderson, and described in one review as “an aging Black man who grew up poor and abused on Chicago’s South Side,” the book is said to read like a memoir, detailing Anderson’s neglected youth, crime spree, trials and life imprisonment.

Critchlow can be reached to contribute to the ongoing discussion of sentencing, rehabilitation, and the racially disparate treatment of minorities at georgecritchlow.com.

On January 23, Reentry Specialist Stephanie Silva and District 7 Manager Glenda Thomson joined Mark to discuss the annual Idaho Falls Recover Out Loud event. Supported by District 7 Probation & Parole, and multiple community partners, the January 29 event, held as a drive-thru in lieu of COVID, was touted by Renick as “a model for community partnerships.”

Thomson and Silva, who is a model of recovery in her own right, together expressed their appreciation for IDOC’s current administration and their willingness to think outside-of-the-box when assisting folks with a successful reentry. It’s noticeable, both agreed, that there has been a person-centered- vs. agenda-centered change.

“People’s chances increase by the amount of support you put around them,” shared Thomson, excited by the amount of support established going into the 3rd annual Recover Out Loud Event.

Learn more about Renick and his efforts @ Systemic Change Of Idaho and imsihopecommunityphaseii.com.

A BOOK REVIEW

Previous: First Amend This!: An IDOC Newsletter, Jan 2021
Authored by Sheila Bruno

“Desperate for support to help her resolve the psychological disorders that had crept into her marriage, Sheila looked for support groups that dealt with the after-effects of incarceration. To her dismay, their weren’t any. So, she created one: the Wife After Prison Support Group. Sheila has reached over 40,000 people in her quest to raise awareness of Post-Incarceration Syndrome. She has made it her mission to provide education about the devastating effects prison has on their loved ones.”

An easy, enlightening read, to include discussions of faith and lessons learned from rushing into a marriage with a partner who’s spent 30 years in prison. An experience that allows Sheila help others understand the effects prison has on personal development. One of the very few books to be found in the IMSI library that helps to realize how the stunting of one’s interpersonal- and emotional growth in prison can affect others for years following their release.

For more on Sheila’s nonprofit organization and support network, visit wifeafterprison.com.

INMATE SERVICES AT WORK

1-26-21

Dear Program Manager Jeff Kirkman:

Greetings! My quest to uncover programs and resources has destined our entanglement.

Yes, I did ask my case manager. She gave me a printout for the IDOC One Stop Reentry Center and a few short paragraphs summarizing the Department’s in-facility cognitive offerings and pre-release programs. Frankly, I was hoping for more.

So I wrote the IDOC One Stop Reentry Center requesting information on their partnerships and service. I was less than delighted to receive no response.

Not to be dissuaded, I directed my attention towards the Restoring Promise Initiative. An initiative my case manager was not aware of, despite Director Tewalt’s recent mention to our inmate population (in partnership with the Vera Institute and MILPA). “What the hell are you doing in Idaho?” was the topic of the letters I sent to New York and California. “Is it something our facility residents might make use of?”

Nothing.

And then–somewhere along the way I was spotted for ambition. Though I can’t say exactly what behavior they’re rewarding, becoming a shaman for the Cult of Sexual Anarchy is now somehow running unopposed for The-Things-One-Can-Do-In-Max-Prison.

Supposing I might convince you that literature detailing correctional enrichment opportunities has its benefits, and supposing you’d be inspired to include correctional partnerships and resources in some kind of JPay presentation, or, possibly, pamphlet, I ask that you not hold against me an assist in dissemination. For if one were to base their assumptions strictly on the evidence, lending a hand is just something I do.

Many thanks.

In friendship and incarceration,
Patrick Irving 82431

A MESSAGE TO RESIDENTS

by Director Josh Tewalt

What a year 2020 was. I’m not going to dwell on all the challenges we faced this year. We experienced it, and honestly, going through it once was more than enough. But I want to take a moment to give thanks, and maybe even offer a bit of hope for what lies ahead in 2021.

First of all, the pandemic required everyone to behave in new ways and I express my deep appreciation to those of you who jumped into action to make more than 55,000 masks to help keep everyone at IDOC safe. You produced enough masks that we were able to donate thousands to local community agencies too. We also had people stepping up to learn how to use new sanitizing foggers and take on additional cleaning duties. Everyone rolled with the punches, including moves that allowed us to create dedicated housing units to better manage the pandemic. I know it’s been especially hard to have movement in the facilities limited and to not have in-person visitation, and I thank you for cooperation. We’re currently working with the state epidemiologists to plan for the COVID-19 vaccine to rollout in the first quarter of 2021.

While COVID-19 has taken front and center, I assure you, a lot of activity has been going on behind the scenes, which will move us forward by leaps and bounds in 2021. This year, IDOC committed to a new vision for our agency that aims to create a safer Idaho while having fewer people in its correctional system. Why am I telling you this? Because it means we see our job as helping each of you learn the skills you will need to be successful when you leave our jurisdiction: We are all safer when more people are living crime-free in the community.

To help meet this goal, we have invested in infrastructure to bring wifi and tablets to each facility for resident education and programming. We have been working with Boise State University to create a degree-granting track for students (and the feds just reinstated Pell grants to help pay for college for people who are in prisons!). We have partnered with the Vera Institute and MILPA to participate in the Restoring Promise Initiative, which seeks to overhaul the correctional experience for young adults through the use of a peer community. We are currently assessing our practices for incarcerated women so that we can provide help and support that is more targeted to the unique needs of women. We have invested $4.5M in Connection and Intervention Stations in the community, which offer supportive services for people on supervision to help prevent revocation.

This is just a sampling of what you’ll see rolling out in 2021. And, you have an important role to play in all of this: it’s imperative that you tell us what’s working, what’s not hitting the mark, and how we can continue to improve (preferably in a constructive way). We’ll be rolling out more ways to involve you and your loved ones in these conversations in 2021.

There’s a lot more to come in 2021. In the meantime, I wish you all a Happy New Year!

SUGGESTION BOX

It is suggested that, in recognition of Black History Month, IDOC commit to incorporating Juneteenth into their list of holiday meal celebrations, the way that Idaho Correctional Center used to when it was privately operated by then-Corporate Corrections of America.

That is all.

We agree. All Americans deserve meal celebrations.

What did you say to me, February!?

“Rosa Parks”
— Outkast

Next: First Amend This!: An IDOC Newsletter, Mar. 2021

The Profile WriteAPrisoner.com Doesn’t Want You To See!!!

It’s hard not to have fun with this space–be creative and spontaneous, self-deprecating and clever. “You’re too much, guy,” says the soulless wonder behind the desk that always gives me the DENIED. “The world is different now! We’re in a GD’n pandemic. We understand that you’re a wonderful lover, but this isn’t the forum for hypersexual pleading. You need to tone it down.”

I get it, I do. Thanks to my experience with numerous support groups “–and how they like to phone my family during every session’s end, to congratulate them on speaker for my rightful disowning.

Inching my way now closer to modesty…

Perhaps, it’s suggested, I could pinch it off at homely.

…Shying away from my talents and creative debonair, it’s imperative that I divert your attention from search engines and news, where I’m not recognized so much for my bylines arriving as I am the decisions that won me a trophied indicting…

Something conversational, of course, like everyone recommends.

I could talk about getting evicted from a prison on the Mexican border because the corporation running it couldn’t handle my demands.

Though it’s probably best to avoid getting weird.

I guess I’ll just go with the first thing that comes to mind.

“Hi. I’m Patrick. And my lawyer doesn’t appreciate you talking to me directly through my brain.”

Boom.

Nailed it.

Creator of: Book of Irving 82431, First Amend This!: An IDOC Newsletter, How To Get Evicted From Prison.

Pen Pal Not-So-Funnies, No. 1

1-26-21

Dear Pen Pals,

I suspect I owe you an apology. Sometimes, the people and materials I’m exposed to rub off on me inappropriately, and inspire me to offend the few still kind enough to talk to me by assaulting their audience with inappropriate letters. I believe it was November that I was overindulging in the antics of deeply troubled lunatics, which prompted a round of meant-for-volley missives with the hopes of yielding laughs and the intent to entertain. I’m now of the impression that, entertaining, they were not. More than a matter of insufficient translation, poor decisions have been made. This can be acknowledged.

The thought that I’ve offended you troubles me deeply. Please accept my sincerest apologies.

I miss and love you much. I hope that all is well.

Short-bus emoji,
Patrick

The Good of Intentions: A F*ckin’ Bad-Ass Children’s Story

Patrick had all the intentions in the world.

And it had only taken him 41 years to collect them.

Some came from friends, many came from family. And others were showered at the top of each hour from bad-management-practicing people with power. He couldn’t count them all, he had so many. It was even hard to keep track of which ones were his own.

Patrick made it a habit of taking the intentions and categorically placing them discreetly in boxes. From there, he’d wrap them in reels of casual excuses, and using ribbons and tape and details and dates, forever tie their owners to their alternate realities and atypical neuroses with crafty gold bows.

All of which went with him wherever her went, for in the event that he found himself bored in the least, he could pageant their magic from the Attic of Memory and impregnate the future with lawful offending.

But lugging all day others people’s intentions, year after year, wasn’t all fun and games. Because Patrick by nature was minded for business, and in all of Patrick’s personal experience, all that goddamn motherfucking intentions had ever been good for was bogging progress down. Even the cutest little forms of stagnated pretense, no matter how innocent their origins did seem, when left out to age under the time-tested sun, frightfully blossomed into chancres of ass.

Fortunately, as discovered by the Heathens of Visceral Results, an integral part of evolution is stress.

And so it was stress that spoke directly to Patrick, and not some old, angry, celestial trucker with a talkie hot-wired right into his brain. And stress it was that purposed and proffered new direction by gracefully bestowing all the makings of plan. And not just any plan, but a capitalist one. Super fuckin’ sweet it was, awesome and simple–like when the Aztecs invented pinwheels for their roller skates to hypnotize in battle.

You see, with humans all conditioned for prepackaged sentiment–thanks to memes and emojis and swipe-a-like whores–stale intentions would liven the gypsy-piker marketplace, where, nicely polished in assurance and promise, those filthy rodents aching for a making would have the cheese to mate their call.

And that, of course, was just the beginning.

For in streamlining his harvest of secondhand bullshit, he could supply all walks of incompetence impractical excuses to pardon their own laziness with bold, pious balls.

In summary, not only would Patrick be banking some nickels, but he was bound to enjoy some shits and giggles along the way.

Which was important to Patrick, because Patrick’s interest wasn’t fully monetary. For no amount of money can buy pedestrian happiness or expunge from one’s record their arsons completely. Mostly he just wanted one day with a secluded garage and some weed to help him snooze until the car ran out of gas.

As far as wishes go, this wasn’t one for a genie: just the aforementioned nickels with shits and giggles would call it a day.

But, of course, brought with self-termination and all its appeal, several issues at length the fucking ethicists posed. Fortunately, Patrick found that these, too, could be solved with the power of intention. So long as he left behind some formal proclamation describing a lifelong conviction to abide by moral code, at least one make-believe master of just-for-Patrick’s universe would offer absolution from the hell that surfed his wake.

But, just in case, and considered good measure, always the frugal practitioner in business and logic, he’d find a way to include the same lint-crusted excuse that people have pulled from their pockets since they learned the word–

Shit.

Sorry kids.

I really wanted to key out a few characters and finish this story, but wouldn’t you know it?–I didn’t have time.

Fortunately for you, my intentions were good.

Probably even gooder that fucker Roald Dahl’s.

“Teach Your Children”
— Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young

Confidential: Attorney-Client Communication 1-5-21

1-5-21

Dear Ritchie,

Good morning. Here, anyway. Not to engage in casual correspondence; adjusting with coffee, cue music for Business…

“L.A. Woman”
–The Doors

I share first with you a Little Man’s victory: This morning they offered us daily use of the outdoor cages again. Shame to celebrate such a thing, isn’t it? But celebrate they will, here in RHU. It’s been maybe 8 or 9 months now since they pulled daily use of those cages. But only 24 business hours since Orchard* has had time to respond to my newsletter. Summation: All ye hope need not be abandoned.

On Sunday, Channel 2 covered the telehealth services FORE is to begin. That they didn’t echo my Fresh Take suggests their story was already brewing. Still, the timing may be significant to others looking for correlation, as playing softball against a jerseyless team is akin to suspecting that all the inhabitants of your once peaceful village may secretly be taken with the way of the savage.

Per our previous conversation, regarding enlightenment, and offering more forms of it through our correctional facilities, Director Tewalt messaged an announcement to our population expressing excitement for possible degree-granting programs with BSU. And it’s not uncommon for myself to request technical dictionaries or out-of-date textbooks from such institutions; I try to convey the communal benefit of laying them to rest in prison libraries, usually. Maybe this is something the three of us could work on together?

Also, before, when we were discussing civics, etc., I neglected to suggest that Ethics for Public Communication would go hand-in-hand. For such is needed to handle the ambitious.

Please give my love to whatever heathens the ACLU has seen fit to stock their offices with today.

Again and still,
Patrick Irving

*IDOC Admin Office

First Amend This!: An IDOC Newsletter, Jan. 2021

Previous: First Amend This!: An IDOC Newsletter, Dec. 2020

WELCOME to the January issue of First Amend This!

Brought to you by The Captive Perspective and made available at bookofirving82431.com. This publication provides an insider’s look at issues affecting the Idaho Department of Correction community.

If you wish to assist this effort, share the link, cut and paste, or print and send a copy to another.

GET INVOLVED

IDOC will be holding monthly Townhall With Leadership meetings all through 2021. Submit your questions to brightideas@idoc.idaho.gov using the subject line “Qs for leadership,” and be sure to attend the meetings to keep the conversation going.

Offender friends and families interested in networking concerns are encouraged to join the Idaho Inmate Family Support Group (IIFSG) on Facebook.

EDITOR’S NOTE

I have a goal: Be constructive. Though a little subjective, I think it’s a good one.

And not just for me but also for management. Because insisting I continue to pirate the Channel of Communications, and stowaway on every freighter with a tide-changing wake, just to participate in a seasoned exchange, doesn’t appear all that constructive to me.

These notes could be used to boast of new dialogue. Or congratulate management on changes being made. Instead, too many communiques see no response and our platform for discourse lopsides like this:

On Being Constructive

X: When I exercise my freedom of speech to appeal to interests litigious in nature, I’m seeking intervention and acknowledgement by way of judge or jury. As the Court’s is a lawful authority, creating an opportunity to access its audience, using SOPs and the Constitution as my guide, feels like a constructive way to validate my efforts as just.

Y’s silence inferred: Critically spotlighting DOC compliance failures and constantly questioning management’s decisions isn’t exactly helpful: It motivates offender networks by charging them emotionally, and produces uniquely organized stressors that modern methods of imprisonment were never designed for. Subjectively speaking, it’s incredibly nonconstructive. …Like a talented pain that goes right for the ass.

X: Also a pain in the ass — knowing that if my journalistic endeavors hit my file as nonconstructive, I could remain lawfully detained an extra twenty-some years.

Y: In that case, if you were to stop, we wouldn’t have to deal with each other for an extra twenty-some years. That sounds to me like a win for constructive.

X: Filling my time sitting alone in silence is NOT constructive! …And too many days without a sword in the sun makes me ache for a shine any way I can get it…

[Realizing a pretty sweet stage supports his lonely podium, X cues the chorus in pulleyed delight, and with a voice on the run from Heaven’s federales, Peter Pans a Hamilton just for the kick.]

…”With each homely proof from my pen leaving proof of my life, yield not, my fingers, your vehement swinging, for you thrusteth in silence Sophoclean prose!”

See? Lopsided.

Let’s First Amend This!

IDOC OUTSOURCING IN-STATE

GEO Reentry Services has opened four Connection and Intervention Centers throughout Idaho.

In an effort to reduce recidivism, at-risk offenders may be referred by their Probation and Parole officers to the individualized assessments and “evidence-based programming” now offered by GEO’s new private community service industry. The program begins with the non-residential intake process, where a program manager tasked with planning behavioral modifications interviews the referral prior to prescribing them any combination of job training, addiction maintenance and available cognitive programming.

The stations will work with other community programs and services to implement a corrective course of action. They will also check for COVID during intake and hold appointments over Zoom if clients are symptomatic.

IDOC plans to shell out $4.5M for their first three years with the new GEO service. According to IDOC spokesman Jeff Ray, $225K of that will be based on performance metrics, which includes reducing the baseline revocation rate.

With the exception of job training, IDOC previously offered at-risk offenders a similar therapeutic regimen to that which GEO now contracts. This reporter, once deemed at-risk while supervised on parole, was assessed by a team of public supervisors who then modified his behavior with similar evidence-based programming — all offered, managed and provided by the State. His attendance and progress were monitored closely until he returned to a state of compliance.

Which makes one wonder if IDOC is slowly losing the capacity to treat offenders themselves, or if they’ve been incentivized to outsource old services to new brands of providers — monopolistic providers, whose main concern with treatment lies behind closed doors, where it’s summed up on slides for a suit-and-tie audience in presentations with titles like “Efficacious Convalescence vs. Opportunity Cost in Revenue.”

Just whose interest is the Department now attending to: corporate shareholders outside of our community, or the victims of an at-risk population with a history of offending?

Sources: Johnathan Hogan, “GEO Reentry Services has opened their fourth Connection Intervention Center,” Post Register. Eric Grossarth, “New program developed to help convicted felons transition back into society,” Eastidahonews.com.

POLICY PROMISES, PROMISES, PROMISES…

Last year IDOC announced residents in long-term restrictive-housing units (RHUs) would soon see three hours out-of-cell time daily (FAT!, Jan. ’20). Instead, the daily hour they were receiving found itself awkwardly reducing to half.

During July 2019’s board meeting, Director Tewalt announced plans for IMSI facility modifications that would support new standards outlined in the ever unattainable, unimplemented 2018 Long-term Restrictive Housing Program Policy 319.02.01.003*. The modifications — indoor rec modules, proposed and prototyped by an inmate — were to be constructed with cheap materials and inmate labor, offering a way for RHU residents to regularly access their day rooms.

Come early 2020, after breaking ground with the first of many modules, all visible progress came to a halt. Same with the chorus of excitement from hundreds of residents promised less time in the cell and more in the cage. According to RHU staffers, providing transport to the indoor rec modules was a matter of unforeseen logistical complexity: their understaffed shifts simply couldn’t find the time to rotate their pokey’s most popular patrons back and forth patiently between cell and kennel.

But with the day room only accounting for one-half of the new three-hour allotment, there was still another half to be offered outside: essentially, an extra half hour would be added to the daily hour already in practice. Logistically, this appeared to pose no problem: no extra trips were needed, nor staff required, and the rec modules outside were already in use. Nevertheless, the extra half hour was cancelled, and though a reason was given, it was hard to understand.

A grievance filed by this reporter was returned with an explanation stating that the Department was unwilling to allow the extra time outside until the indoor modifications were complete and the facility was properly staffed (FAT!, Aug. ’20). No timeframe was offered, no hope was given.

And then came COVID.

RHU shifts, once able to get everyone outside for at least an hour daily, found the only way to socially distance residents was to operate the rec cages at no more than half-capacity. So instead of directing shifts to account for the time it takes to responsibly rec a whole unit daily, IDOC divided their RHUs in half, and minimized rec for each half to every other day.

One hour. Out of the cell. Every other day. For the bulk of last year, that’s what’s been given.

In considering how the long-term restrictive housing policy was revised but never implemented back in July of ’18, there’s no telling how many more years might pass before the Department makes a respectable effort to meet the standards now sleeping on hold.

Which gives it all the feel of a marathon run that requires keeping pace with the Gears of Weak Intention.

One.

……..Hour.

…………Out of.

………………The cell.

……………………….Every.

………………………………Other.

…………………………………………Day……………….?………………–>………………………………!?!

*Unattainable yet referenced by Short-term Restrictive Housing Policy 319.02.01.001

Ref: Board of Correction Meeting, July ’19. “Exhausted Grievances in Summary, Grievance 15, IM 200000280

ALGORITHMIC ADDICTION COUNSELOR TO PALM READ RECOVERIES

IDOC has been chosen as one of 33 trial agencies to provide telehealth services in conjunction with The Addiction Forum. Using the Connections App, which touts an ability to predict and reduce relapse, substance abusers will have another form of technological redundancy when it comes time to access their counselors and peers. The tracking app, eager to schedule its abusers’ sobriety, can also, if needed, help Google available resources.

Over one thousand of our nation’s offenders will be volunteered to the program, which is funded by the Foundation for Opioid Response Efforts (FORE).

Whether FORE’s algorithm is sophisticated enough to graph and monitor the entirety of Idaho’s Fourth Amendment Forfeits’ communication network, we just don’t know. But as soon as Probation and Parole sees fit to order the inoculation of all offender devices (and that should be soon), we can patch in our own Symbiont Groom™, and go full-throttle from there. We’re talking key phrases, texting activity, GPS hotspots, sporadic behavioral conduct, synchronized travel activity, proximity intimations (distance from other at-risk individuals) and, of course, familial biometrics. Once activated, suspicious configurations will be flagged and forwarded to the FORE 501(c)3 Reclamation Machine [Limited Edition!] — expected in March. Also skilled in the art of salvation and news-speak, we trust it to publicly justify attacking targeted networks.

So long as it equates “proportionate response” to “dispatch drone, corral suspected infidels and commence with whatever terroristic treatment has been fashioned for the day,” it’ll continue offering evidence that relapse was preempted, and our citizens can rest knowing all will be well.

Yes…

All. Will be. Orwell.

Source: Clinical Supervisor Gail Baker, idoc.Idaho.gov.

COVID NEWS

Over 17,500 tests have been administered to Idaho offenders held in three states. More than 3,300 have returned positive, and six inmate deaths have been reported as COVID-related.

For the last five months, ACLU of Idaho and the law firm Shearman & Sterling have been in close contact with IDOC while monitoring all forms of COVID-related issues. Offenders with concerns are invited to participate in the dialogue and forward their COVID experiences to:

ACLU Idaho
PO Box 1987
Boise, ID 83701

Saguaro Correctional Center has seen an explosion in cases. News outlets in Kansas and Hawaii have both covered the spike of infections. As the two states’ SCC inmate populations continue to produce a high rate of positives, IDOC’s appears not to have not undergone any more testing since they first arrived to the Arizona facility with an infected 130 cohorting among them.

Incentives were passed out this month for recipients of the flu vaccine. They consisted of one candy bar, one extra COVID mask and one translucent bar of soap. This reporter received both incentive and vaccine, and vouches for the fact that neither was deadly.

View IDOC COVID numbers here.

REENTRY RADIO SHOW EDUCATES A DIVERSE SET OF LISTENERS

A faith-based, IDOC-friendly radio show caught our attention this month. With over 100 episodes available for streaming, Mark Renick hosts Victory Over Sin, on KBXL 94.1FM, Saturdays at 12:30 pm.

We tuned in and caught an interview with Program Manager Jeff Kirkman. Kirkman, who has served with the department for over 20 years, used the opportunity to discuss the reentry effort Free To Succeed, a community mentoring program that attempts to reach individuals 30-90 days prior to their release, and place them with a mentor in the area they plan on being released to.

The Free To Succeed program is unique in that IDOC allows individuals on supervision to offer themselves as a mentor, which in turn offers participants mentors familiar with their struggle.

Currently in need of mentors, Free To Succeed encourages those interested to contact them @ https://www.idoc.idaho.gov/content/prisons/volunteers_mentors.

Learn more about Renick and his efforts @ https://www.facebook.com/systemicchangeofidaho/ and imsihopecommunityphaseii.com.

LEGAL RESOURCES MADE AVAILABLE ELECTRONICALLY

IDOC has finished their pilot test and will now offer legal resources electronically at facilities statewide. Starting January 11, 2021, all facility residents will have access to Lexis Nexis and other materials using their JPay tablets and kiosks.

IDOC plans to provide loaner tablets (where needed) and keep hard copy publications available through the Legal Resource Center until the loaners are made available. Hard copies will then be moved to the regular facility library. A video tutorial and a step-by-step guidebook will be found on every tablet and hard copies of the guidebook can be requested through the paralegal. WIFI options will undergo upgrades to address current issues with tablets and kiosks.

The Department expresses their excitement for these developments, and we at FAT! commend them for their effort.

The following are the authorized legal resources soon to become electronically available:

1) Idaho Code
2) Idaho Court Rules
3) Unites States Code
4) Federal Rules of Court
5) Constitutional Rights of Prisoners 9th Edition
6) Federal Habeas Corpus Practice and Procedure
7) Ballentine’s Law Dictionary
8) The Law Dictionary
9) Idaho Administrative Code: IDAPA 06
10) 06.01.01 – Rules of the Board of Correction
11) 06.01.02 – Rules of Idaho Correctional Industries
12) 06.02.01 – Rules Governing Supervision of Offenders on Probation and Parole
13) 06.02.01 – Rules Governing Release Readiness

The following publications will not be available electronically. (They will be maintained in the Legal Resource Center until facility libraries reopen.)

1) Black’s Law Dictionary
2) Spanish/English Law Dictionary
3) State and Federal Post-Conviction Remedies Last Hopes
4) Prisoners’ Self-Help Litigation Manual
5) Tucker’s Legal Directory

SUGGESTION BOX

It is suggested that the CoreCivic contract be made publicly available prior to a unified network’s abandonment of niceties.

It is suggested that IDOC remedy the 1/2 portion situation with lunches at IMSI. After weighing the new prepackaged sandwiches, distributed every Friday, the kitchen, aware the sandwiches weigh half what they use to (and no longer match the nutritional facts that have been provided to inmates), continues to serve them, along with concerns of caloric restriction.

It is suggested that IDOC use their institutional channels to offer cognitive therapy and various classes. Many offenders wish to take classes, and many classes are required to meet criteria for parole. By using institutional channels to offer classes remotely, case managers could track participants by collecting workbooks, and possibly incentivize others into trying out classes without the the promise of tentative date. It’s suspected this would help eliminate those pesky correctional cram-sessions that force everyone to rush for the swing of the gate.

A MESSAGE FROM REENTRY MANAGER TIM LEIGH

IDOC understands the importance of everyone leaving our custody with proper Identification. If you know an Idaho resident who needs a State of Idaho ID card and is within 90 days of release, or needs a social security card and is within 120 days of release, their case manager can provide them with instructions and applications to help obtain copies of either.

For those at NICI, the process is more of a challenge, but for those who’ve had an Idaho ID card or drivers license in the past and are in the Idaho DMV system already, a replacement ID can still be obtained.

Please refer all questions to case managers.

INMATE SERVICES AT WORK

12-7-20

Dear Chief Page:

After filing another grievance over confiscated mail items, lost and unprocessed, I received the concern form attached* (three months after its initial submission) stapled to the mail of another inmate that appears to live at the opposite end of my facility. Judging by the withdrawal number on his parcel, I suspect it’s of financial interest.

I did inform Deputy Warden Wessels that I am in possession of another inmate’s mail, and I asked her to stop by and pick it up and take a moment with me to brainstorm a simple solution to the cascade of failures regarding mail confiscations at IMSI that I’ve so faithfully documented since March. But you know what they say: “Ignore them long enough and one day they’ll die.”

So if you could find it in your heart to see that Mr. [withheld] gets his parcel — which, again, is included, stapled to mine, as delivered to me — and send mine back to me for my records, I’m sure we’d both be delighted, possibly uncontrollably. Because life is nothing more than a series of little pleasures, so says the inscription that I’ve asked for on my tomb.

Also, while I have your attention, I never did receive the mask, bar of soap and candy bar promised to incentivize the inmate population into greeting the flu vaccine. In case you are unaware, I am quite the fan of chocolate. But who among us isn’t?

I smell a new adventure…

Warm regards,
Patrick Irving 82431

* Not shown here.

UPDATE: The chocolate problem was resolved on its own, and my parcel was returned with a memo from Management Assistant Kim Bausch that informed me Warden Davis, briefed of the situation, was overseeing the return of Mr. Withheld’s parcel.

We salute Kim Bausch for her dedication to service, and, Warden Davis, you did okay too.

Mark another month down. Thanks for sticking with us!

“Monsters Calling Home”
— Run River North

Next: First Amend This!: An IDOC Newsletter, Feb. 2021

A Holiday Card for Your Missus

More Christmas reading here

12-25-20XX

Dearest Love,

Years ago, this festive missive would be different. Aggressive and explicit, testosterone-driven with angst. Talk of using a pillow to muffle the sounds, and too many metaphors suggesting how my dong doth make pound.

Instead, for you, a brand new position. Envisioned and driven by intricate beauty: the kind you posses that speaks of finesse, and, damnit, is it nine o’clock already?

Then I guess I better clap off the lights and dancewalk you to bed. Who am I kidding with this poetry shit, anyway?

Before we do this, I don’t need to know how many lovers you’ve had, but how many guys before me have you let under the sheets with a cheese tray?

Of course. A girl with your morals? I never suspected for a moment that I wasn’t the first. Nonetheless, I kind of make a habit out of using protection: Dustblaster 6000–it sucks up all the crumbs.

…Now then, where were we?

Aw, yeah… Girl, you’re lookin’ thirsty. So how about I pour you a glass from that newly-installed Brita? And maybe when I get back, I’ll give you a naughty surprise…
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Surprise!

Sometimes the best beef is cake!

Hey, easy. Maybe now’s a good time for you to open the drawer to your nightstand. I had a little feeling you might try and get dirty, which is why I stocked you up on moist towelettes–that the Olive Garden secretly wrapped for you on Date Night.

By the way, when I got in there, I noticed your batteries weren’t regulation. Don’t worry, I replaced them, and then I cleaned the gunk off the spark plugs and took care of the timing belt too. That’ll just have to do until we get you an upgrade. Now then, tell me, would you two like some music?

Are you sure? You can call me when you’re done.

No? Alright. Then how about, tonight, I let you take charge. I want you to tease me, don’t offer the remote. And do that thing where you hand me the case to a lousy action flick, but then I open it up, and it’s my favorite love story. And when I skootch up to you, maybe skootch away from me like you don’t really want to hold me. I love that. But be advised, I’m changing my safe word from “it’s time again for your cuticles” to “I bet you didn’t know that I can French-braid hair.”

First thing in the morning, I’ll be ready for Round 2. And if for some reason I find myself still unable to fix it, I’ll schedule you an Uber, then call your dad and granddad.

Which reminds me, I’ve been meaning to ask you how sooo many things work. Whenever you’re not tired, if you wouldn’t mind explaining…

One more thing, tomorrow, I insist on making the bed. Just in case you have unexpected company, I want to make sure your best massaged foot is forward.

Merrry Christmas AND Happy Hanukkah, baby! Because I can’t celebrate you enough. Please don’t think I forgot about your present. What happened was, I spent all my time and my money thoughtfully making this card, and I knew you wouldn’t love it, and I said I wouldn’t cry…

Love,
[Dude, dont forget to sign your name here]

Thank You For Another Round of Books!

I’m pretty excited about this: A Kurt Vonnegut, four-book, hardback, bible paper, ribbon marker, Library of America series that spans from 1950 to 1997. I just read a chapter from “Player Piano,” which I found at the very beginning of the series. The man is good. And weird. And his materials were actually suggested this weekend when I mentioned I was looking for something of a very specific sort.

Book Two contains a story titled “The Big Space Fuck.” And here I’ve been thinking all along that I’m too fringe to understand.

Back here, in Solitary Confinement, where sometimes an author is a person’s best friend, gestures like these are hard to measure in the way of appreciation. Especially by this guy (me), who finds himself absorbing the unconventional in some form of Darwinian process that can only be explained as like-if-Donald-Trump-banged-Alexandre-Dumas… never mind that last part. It goes a long way, that’s what I’m saying.

Therefore: With many thanks to you, Abbé Faria, all shall move forward as planned…

Missive: 12-06-20

12-06-20

Dear Pen Pal,

What am I doing today? To begin with, I’m celebrating your good time and your feeling better and your message coming through so fast. It’s good to experience the reminders of alcohol abuse once in awhile, as far as I’m concerned.

I’m sorry your friends are struggling. It seems that everyone is struggling nowadays. I’m curious as to what kind of community evolution will result from the stress. If any. Probably in co-cultures first, like how the Mormons and Jewish and other special-interest factions do. In terms of cohesion and resourcing. Now’s a good time for others to adopt their techniques and create some cascades that see a downward scale.

…Because stress and chaos are the key to building a more robust organism, which the human collective certainly is–despite their most complete denial and struggle to the end to claim individuality…And it would be a shame to waste the opportunity to revamp several aspects of humanity, starting from the waste that trickles up from the bottom (AKA the foundation, AKA how the backs of the less fortunate are used). Or the opportunity to gravitate all currently polar idealisms towards less turbulent conquests and establish relative equilibria. (Why do I feel the need to insert things like this in conversation?)

Where was I?

Oh, yes. I don’t mean to be so incredibly affable but I have to appreciate several aspects of your message. The first, I despise texting as an acceptable form of conversation when I have access to and time for the phone. It’s the most impersonal, low-effort form of relationship maintenance in the history of mankind. And I too am the friend, or friend of the friend that commonly introduces himself as Boise’s welcoming committee to those filtering in from all walks and regions. There’s just not enough of Us around here. Along those lines–the special people that can be found in kitchens, I include them with flagellant artists. They tend to have unique perspective and appreciation for the oddest of things. Of course there are good and bad, but the good are incomparable.

All that to say, you are an amazing person to witness.

I just worked out… I guess that’s what you’d call it. And I’m making a rice bowl and considering writing a grant proposal where I propose to use my government stimulus money to grant $500-ish for filing fees to a knowledgeable lawhand capable of filing a winning claim (of their choosing) against the Idaho Department Of Correction. Leading by example for my long-term 9th Circuit project is what that’s for. I’m just not sure my network is ready for it yet. I need a trustee and someone capable of vetting the lawhand’s ability. But it’s a winning idea. If I were on the streets with my model and ambition, I’d turn 10K into a perpetual monster in a fairly respectable period of time. Or so I’m inclined to think. From here it could take a few more years. Most likely 5, if they ever allow me to reintegrate with a less troublesome population.

Yup. That’s what I’m doing today, I guess. And likely some reading and writing and exploring more ways to adequately appreciate you. Because good anchors are hard to find. Especially for folks like myself.

Off this goes. Be kind to yourself today.

Again and still,
Patrick