Updates

IDOC Coronavirus Alert 7.3.20

7-3-20 16:30

As reported in July’s issue of First Amend This!: An IDOC Newsletter, an inmate at the Idaho State Correctional Center tested positive June 24. KBOI News is now reporting that, of the bulk testing that has taken place since at this facility, 119 inmates and 36 staff are now testing positive for COVID-19.

The following July 2 update from the Director to Offenders provides further information:

07/02/2020

Hi all-

I know its a tough time for many of you right now as it is for your friends and loved ones on the outside. I wanted to give you an update on where we stand as it relates to COVID. I received some correspondence from a gentleman in custody yesterday that really helped me understand how the lack of information can increase tension and fear. So in addition to telling you where we are with things, I’m also going to do my best to explain the why behind it.

…We’ve done mass testing events in E block and H block at ISCC. We should have the E block results [7-2]. I want to share with you what we’ve learned from other systems who have battled COVID at the onset of the pandemic. Its widely believed that in the public at large, significantly more COVID positive cases exist where people never develop symptoms or experience complications. The way testing is prioritized in the community, it is extremely difficult to ever get tested if you don’t have symptoms. For our system, we’re going to keep testing as many people as possible to try to identify everyone who is positive, regardless of symptoms. That means we expect to have a high number of people test positive for COVID that would never have even felt the need to get tested in the community.

Here’s why that’s important: we have to identify positives so we can do contact tracing to identify people who might have had close contact with those positive individuals. Then we quarantine and keep testing. The strategy for battling COVID in the community is the same as it is in prison: Test, Trace and Quarantine.

We’re going to continue mass testing at ISCC then move to other facilities in the S. Boise Complex as appropriate. We also are going to conduct mass testing events for IDOC staff who work at the S. Boise Complex.

S. Boise Complex in Secure Status:As of yesterday morning, the entire S. Boise Complex was placed on secure status. If you’re in the S. Boise Complex, I’m guessing you have a good idea by now of what that means everything but basic necessities is shut down and movement is extremely limited except in the case of emergencies. This isn’t being done to punish anyone. Its being done to offer more protection against transmitting the virus. Our contact tracing at ISCC demonstrated how even limited and controlled movement can allow for the virus to spread to other areas of the prison before anyone develops symptoms.

There are few things I dislike more than having to order facilities into full secure status because I know how disruptive it is for you. I know how much worry it causes your loved ones on the outside. And even though it isn’t intended to be, I know it has to feel like you’re being punished. That isn’t why I did it. Instead of waiting for a positive case to be identified elsewhere in the S. Boise Complex, we decided to make this move proactively to better prevent an outbreak or contain one.

Cohorting Staff:When we implement a quarantine for a period of time, we do it in groups known as cohorts. Doing it like that means that if you introduce a new person to the group, you have to start the clock over. While the units that aren’t under medical quarantine aren’t in a true quarantine, we are going to introduce a similar concept by cohorting staff with specific units. Starting this Sunday, all facilities in the S. Boise Complex will be moving to 12 hour shifts, and staff will only be allowed to work specific units unless there’s an emergency. This is an additional safeguard for you and them. Again, the objective is to keep units as closed and contained as possible until we know the coast is clear. That means minimizing staff coming and going from multiple units on a shift.

Secure Status v. Medical Quarantine: I also wanted to take a second to clear up what I mean when I say secure status versus medical quarantine. There isn’t a huge difference between the two. As noted before, secure status means everyone is required to stay in their cell or living area. The same is true for a medical quarantine. The difference is that a medical quarantine is triggered by a potential or positive case. The idea is to do enhanced medical checks on everyone in medical quarantine for a period of time while you check to see if anyone else develops symptoms. While on secure status in the S. Boise Complex, we’re going to adopt a hybrid approach even for areas that aren’t on medical quarantine. All people incarcerated in the S. Boise Complex will have their temperatures taken daily. We’ve had two instances already of people who developed symptoms but chose not to come forward because they didn’t want to be quarantined. That way of thinking puts everyone, including the individuals with symptoms, at far greater risk. Please let someone know if you are experiencing any symptoms associated with COVID-19.

This is a scary time for a lot of people, my staff included. Here;s what I’d ask of you: please be patient with us. You’re going through a lot of change and uncertainty right now, and so are the staff you see every day. I know your daily life has seen disruption after disruption since the middle of March, especially with visiting and volunteer services being suspended. I can promise you were likely to have some problems in the first little while of secure status and were going to have to figure out some ways to fix things. I promise you we will. Our first order of business is to provide the necessities and keep you safe, and prisons leadership is looking for ways to ease the burden for you and our staff during this unprecedented operating period.

I know it’s easy in a time like this to feel a little helpless to protect yourself from a disease that you can’t see. You’re not. In fact, you’re still your first and best line of defense. Always practice good hygiene. Where you can, keep appropriate physical distance between you and others, and wear a mask when you can’t.

Take care of yourself, and please look out for each other.

Thanks-
Josh

First Amend This!: An IDOC Newsletter, July 2020

Previous: First Amend This!: An IDOC Newsletter, Jun. 2020

Welcome to the July issue of First Amend This!: An IDOC Newsletter that addresses Idaho Corrections concerns.

Brought to you by The Captive Perspective and made available at bookofirving82431.com.

This publication provides an insider’s look at issues affecting the Idaho Department of Correction’s community. If you wish to assist this effort, share the link, cut and paste, or print and send a copy to another

Our Mission: To better develop our current state of Corrections.

The Idaho Legislature shares our mission and welcomes your comments! Feel free to send them your thoughts, attached to a copy of this publication.

AMONG THE BLOOD UNMENTIONED IN JUNE:

Four separate trails, in front of my cell, from upstairs to down-, one for each owner. And collecting in a puddle, the source slammed facedown, wrists and ankles already restrained, to be broken-nose subdued — as if several minutes of gassing just didn’t take.

I watched the puddle form feet away from the cages, where we view videos and messages once a week from our loved ones — for those of us lucky enough to have them, but unable to afford the device that lets them frequent their love.

Twice the distance from the puddle to the cages — really just a few feet more — the desks, used to hang shackles and taunt us, with socialization and programs they continue to withhold.

It’s the first cell extraction I’ve witnessed in Solitary Confinement, despite having been discarded with the others for going on eight months. While choking on the gas that punishes the whole unit — somehow still considered a solution for subduing individuals — I grab my notebook and calendar, and attempt to extract the correlation of seeing four at once:

11 Months ago — Director Josh Tewalt commended Chief Chad Page and Warden Keith Yordy for moving forward with ideas of inside enclosures, modified programming chairs, and table enclosures for Restricted Housing Units (Board of Correction Meeting, 7-16-19). These ideas have yet to be used.

7 months ago — FAT! wrote the Office of Professional Standards to ask that offender complaints be considered when submitted directly to them, as some staff have responded to grievances after investigating themselves (December issue). No reply from the office was given.

6 months ago — Warden Yordy promoted a memo stating 1.5 hours of outside rec and 1.5 hours indoor day-room time would be upcoming daily, with more new program opportunities to look forward to (January issue). Today: RHU receives only one hour out-of-cell time in outdoor cages, daily — but only on the days they actually rec (count 25 days of facility rec refusal since November). Nothing in the memo appears to be true.

3 months ago — IDOC stopped all in-person contact with family and approved lists of visitors due to COVID-19.

3 weeks ago — I overheard Captain Hust tell one of the offenders now bleeding, who was then still using words to communicate a conflict he had with the staff, “Well, then it’s up to you to be the adult,” as though state employees aren’t expected of the same, regardless of the fact that they’re being tax-paid.

1 week ago — they started heavily enforcing the one hour of phone time Restricted Housing offenders are “privileged” to have once a week. (Staff sympathetic to the benefits of human communication must enforce the policy strictly, as familial love is a hazard in the extra minute or few. Meanwhile, staff are seldom reprimanded for ignoring policies that benefit offenders or pertain to themselves.)

12 hours ago — we received a memo describing the privilege we’re given to combat excessive heat once every day: “Inmates must have their own container for ice. Staff will place one scoop of ice in your container. If you are not ready at your door it will be considered a refusal of ice for the day…ice service is a privilege and can be revoked based on behavior” (Lieutenant Tamez 6-5-20).

12 hours ago — we were instructed in another memo that, from now on, if we attempt to bring our morning cup of coffee and magazine to the outside rec cages, they’ll note it as “a refusal to participate in recreation for the day” (B-Block Unit Sergeant 6-5-20).

As I’m writing — I’m listening to my neighbor choke and gasp and beg to be rolled on his side to assist his breathing, while Director Tewalt and his keyboard are typing up this:

“I can acknowledge the pain that’s being expressed here…can listen and learn, and can choose to act in ways that move our system toward greater equity and inclusion instead of otherness…Before us is the opportunity to set the example and standard for how safety agencies should operate. If you betray that trust with your actions, or fail to report others who do, you are not long for this agency. It will not be tolerated, accepted, or ignored within our agency…We’re not choosing between treating people with dignity and respect or trying to improve public safety. We can do both.” (Director’s Notes, 6-5-20).

Hmm, I wonder, four in one day…how many will it take to see the correlation?

[Recommended reading for Director Tewalt: “Exhausted Grievances in Summary (for legal and investigative purpose)” @ bookofirving82431.com]

COVID PRISON NEWS CENSORED OVER JPAY

On June 16 FAT! received a censorship notification from IDOC’s Nathan Roe B490, who stated that a JPay correspondence was refused “in accordance with SOP 503.02.01.01…Contents: Information about another offender.” The correspondence in question? a June 15 Charles P. Pierce article in Esquire discussing a COVID-19 inmate death in a privately-run prison.

While IDOC currently contracts a large portion of their low-risk, minimum- to medium-security inmate population to the private prison company GEO Group — on the Tex-Mex border and the deadly Rio Grande — IDOC hasn’t mentioned any COVID-related deaths in this month’s updates from the Director.

But they have censored unflattering news coverage previously — of a press-filed lawsuit for public records access to Director Tewalt’s questionable purchase of lethal injection drugs in 2012.

My Concern Form’s return completes the very first stage of the grievance process. In his response, Mr. Roe suggests “you can not get any information about any offender in or out of the state.” Which is to say that the entire IDOC Law Library is guilty of trafficking in outdated case-law contraband, and now we’re liable to be punished for seeking updated precedents regarding matters already filed or those we wish to litigate: to include matters resulting from violations against offenders done by staff and State.

Whether his is an innocent misinterpretation of policy, or he’s correct in assuming that IDOC wishes to censor the majority of articles presenting prison news, will have to be answered by the grievance process — to which, thankfully, First Amend This! has access.

Still, one wonders: Will IDOC inmates be motivated if they hear about inmate lawsuits resulting from COVID-19? Will Cosby be safe if we read the progress of his case? Is it possible I’m the guy that put the hit on Epstein? Just how high up does the censorship order go? Is Governor Little trying to prevent us from witnessing presidential pardons, despite the fact that he deems us unworthy to vote?

Unfortunately these are all questions that we’ll have to conclude on our own. Unless, maybe, we do a little work together — and look down below…

OFFENDERS FILE LAWSUIT AT IDAHO’S LARGEST PRISON OVER COVID-19 CONCERNS

Just one month before IDOC’s motion to terminate the class-action Balla lawsuit — brought over inhumane treatment and conditions at Idaho State Correctional Institution in 1984 — was granted by the courts, inmates at the Idaho State Correctional Center filed their own lawsuit alleging cruel and unusual punishment.

Reportedly two cell blocks originally meant to house 504 people are now being operated at 320 overcapacity, making even their toilet sanitation too much to maintain. Among other offender concerns mentioned: the inability to protect themselves from COVID-19, and less opportunities to rec due to facility under-staffing.

IDOC employees have acknowledged the overcrowding with the casual mention that more beds are needed. The Office of Performance Evaluations concurs, as our Idaho inmates continue to be trafficked back and forth to other states.

Still not discussed: More responsible management and correctional overhauls known to benefit other states.

IDOC’s first case of COVID-19 among the offender population was reported June 24 at ISCC. The inmate was immediately placed in isolation. As this issue goes to press, the extent of the spread is unknown.

CONFISCATED MAIL SYSTEM: BROKE AND UNDELIVERED

July marks the fourth month of confiscated mail going lost or undelivered.

With every mail parcel that’s for any reason confiscated, offenders are given a form with the option to destroy or send it out. While the forms are then suppose to be returned to and processed by the receiving facility’s Property, IMSI’s have been venturing into the Great Unknown.

Since March this Editor has had four parcels confiscated, for reasons stated to be blemishes or stains. Two of these parcels contained personal letters (one with decades-old pictures, nostalgic in value) and the other two, issues of FAT!, sent from my family to me.

Of the four confiscated in March and early April: one remains lost, one was processed properly, one took five weeks to forward, and the other took ten — and was sent to New Jersey with instructions for Idaho, in an accumulation of events that falls nothing short of strange:

A withdrawal request (common for postage) was removed from a postage order that was dated months later, from an unrelated parcel addressed to the Courts. That parcel then mysteriously returned without the form attached, and with a sticker on it stating postage was needed. The now-missing form was then used on the fourth confiscated parcel, which was being presented as one of two examples listed in a formal complaint. Two weeks later the same missing form re-appeared as a receipt for three-times the withdrawal amount I had given consent. Thus it’s suspected that someone commandeered the form, which would have been dated recent enough to invalidate the status of “longstanding” in my complaint. However the culpritive effort failed to use the Idaho address specified when the confiscation notice was returned with the original postage order form from April. Which allows us to conclude these results on our own.

Of the three parcels tracked, two were verified as containing no noticeable blemishes or stains when viewed by final recipients. The third, sent to the Idaho Press Club for third-party documentation, wasn’t followed-up on. The fourth parcel, perhaps the most valuable, the one containing pictures of  friendship in an innocent youth, initially received March 31, still hasn’t surfaced after months of many queries.

So who’s responsible?

While confiscated mail sits in the property room at the receiving facility until its time has expired or it’s received offender instructions, and while Cpl. Herrera has been designated to handle IMSI’s confiscated mail, she shouldn’t be alone as we focus our blame. At least 15 communications — written and verbal, delivered to multiple members of staff — have not received a response. In fact, the third parcel was only sent in a rush (explaining the wrong address) the week my unusual plea to avoid grieving the issue was received.

In said plea, I asked the Property room to consider how they would feel not knowing their sister had given birth, their grandma had died, or worse — was about to die and could use a message of faith.

It shouldn’t be lost upon anyone that there’s still a pandemic. And though correctional officers thumbs-up us everyday through our steel doors and windows, seldom do they view us as being kept in modern dungeons. Perhaps they’re ensuring Grandma’s last goodbye would serve to help us humanize them, too.

WHY IDOC QUIT CELEBRATING JUNETEENTH

Nobody seems to know. Though many still remember the holiday meal served with sausage, cornbread, watermelon, and black-eyed peas, none can say for certain why it disappeared.

This reporter recalls the festive atmosphere at then-Idaho Correctional Center in 2007, when a large population of White and Hispanic inmates shared in celebration with the comparably smaller demographic of their African-American counterparts.

IDOC has yet to respond to the question of why we no longer celebrate slave liberation at the time this issue is sent to press.

IDOC ADMINISTERS DISCIPLINE WITH PSYCHIC TECHNIQUES

Preponderance of evidence and evidentiary threshold? Ain’t nobody got time for that. But only according to Jack Fraser and the IDOC. Since this was stated in a memo back in ’19 June (yes, we possess it), we’ve watched Investigations adopt the most mysterious techniques. For instance, if two offenders on camera are seen exchanging swings, the newly employed training goes something like this:

1) Run the cameras back and count how many times unrelated offenders visit other unrelated offenders — and forget the fact those visited are still in their cage…because the behavioral patterns of one in social deprivation is the same you’ll see with any kind of dog: Let them off the leash and they turn into social monsters, conspiring about an incident in a way you’ll Make Believe.

2) If you have no audio, and you won’t, interpret any waves, handshakes or general sharing of proximity with the methods used in our handbook “How To Read Brains.” That it’s we who house them without the ability to distance from each other doesn’t make them non-complicit with any crime we deem.

Examples: If an offender holding a birthday card is matching cell counts to signatures, the intent is obviously murder, and he deserves a cage in the back, for life, immediately. If any offenders watch a fight, they too have conspired, and should be used as fodder to overflow high-security prisons until you get approved for another $500,000,000. Which you can bet your ass you’ll be sure to need — because when your little psychic presentations are taken seriously by the Parole Board, they’ll issue a thousand more years of incarceration for every small town’s worth of individuals. And when civil suits come from the deprivation of freedom resulting… Yeah, you’re definitely gonna need every fucking cent.

Remember: You don’t need hard evidence to be sadistic or an asshole. And we’ll fight any public records requests that prove it forever and a day.

Now remove your tinfoil hats, go fourth and conquer, and most of all, remember: Ms. Warwick no longer does credit, but cash will be okay.

EXHAUSTED POLICY GRIEVANCE IN SUMMARY

Date: 3-19-2020
Location: IMSI
Number: 200000159
Responders: Baerlocker, Hartgrove, Unidentified
Status: Granted, Modified

Notes: Policies weren’t being provided in a timely manner and copies of their requests weren’t being returned for offender documentation. Issues were acknowledged, corrected and appreciated. IMSI offenders are now “required to request policies with a concern form and will need to address them to the unit policy officers. The receiving officers will then be required to fill out the concern form and return it to the requesting inmate” (5-19-20).

IMSI has yet to issue a memo to offenders notifying them of such.

A LESSON IN DIALOGUE FROM LIEUTENANT TAMEZ

Offender Concern 6-18
To: Housing Lt. Tomez

ISSUE/CONCERN: Volunteers were required to miss rec today, so that 2nd Shift could get everyone out in one move and avoid refusing half our unit their outside time. As it gets nicer out, more people will be going outside. We’re told 3rd Shift will take no responsibility in providing us what little rec we’re suppose to get. Are our units to expect that you’ll be refusing groups of us rec daily, or will you commit your staff to working a reasonable solution that doesn’t require volunteers to sacrifice their individual rec time to assist a larger group in receiving theirs?

REPLY: Thank you for bringing this to my attention. I will follow up with B-Block staff.

Thank YOU, Lt. Tamez, for the response to our concerns.

AND: AN ATTEMPT FOR DIALOGUE FROM FAT!

Director Tewalt,

I always appreciate reading your notes. You appear thoughtful in a way that I’m sure comforts others. But I grow more disappointed the more you’re unresponsive to every invitation for discourse we extend. My mom reads your updates. As a Christian she wants to believe in the best of folks. But as a witness to reality, what’s she to do?

Included are the materials I’ve submitted to a jury of your peers. Maybe one will suggest to you a thoughtful response, and with dialogue, together, we’ll moved forward from there.

On behalf of all inmates of whose care you’re responsible…

And with my sincerest regards,
Patrick Irving 82431
IMSI
PO Box 51
Boise, ID 83707

[Editor’s note: I have never caught a rainbow.]

“For What It’s Worth”
— Buffalo Springfield

Next: First Amend This! Bulletin: Staff Assault Inmate At IMSI 7.17.20

Excessive Use of Tort, No. 7

OFFENDER CONCERN FORM

6-21-20
To: Brett Phillips
From: Irving 82431

Previously, you intercepted a court claim being served to Warden Yordy, sat on it until he retired, and then returned it, unserved, with a message to deliver it to someone else. Now possessing communications from the Court stating Yordy must be served directly, despite IDAPA 06.01.01 #106, your actions have been realized as obstruction. I now require Yordy’s home address to serve him as needed, per the Court. As IDOC offenders are discouraged from researching staff, I request you provide me with his info, express permission for me to resource it myself, or acknowledge your complete refusal in allowing me to serve this claim. This is the 5th time IDOC has obstructed this claim and the 2nd attempt to have this Concern Form signed in accordance with 316.02.01.001.

IDAHO MAXIMUM SECURITY INSTITUTION MEMORANDUM

Date: June 22, 2020
To: Patrick Irving #82431
Unit: B-2 / 54

From: Brett Phillips
Management Assistant
Office of the Warden

RE: Response to your concern(s) received 6-22-20

In response to the two (2) separate concerns you addressed to my attention dated 6-20-20 [and] 6-21-20, I feel it necessary to provide you with a detailed explanation of your predicament. To help illustrate your inability to follow the basic “service of process” instructions and direction provided to you, I’m attaching two documents I hope will move your previously filed small claims matter into court.

On February 20, 2020, then Warden Yordy responded to your concern regarding “service” inquiry. In his response he clearly directed you to send your small claims filing to the Deputy Attorneys General who represent the IDOC and its employees. [His] response comports with the IDAPA Rule you referenced in your latest concern. For your convenience, I’ve attached a highlighted section 106 of IDAPA 06.01.01– Service of Process on Department Employees. As with Warden Yordy’s response to you, Rule 106 clearly directs anyone wishing to serve a complaint, summons or subpoena regarding any action related to the Department or its employee(s) “to be made upon the Deputy Attorneys General who represent the department in a manner and form required by state and federal procedure.” I’m guessing from the narrative you provide in the two concerns you sent, you failed to serve Warden Yordy in compliance with the state rules of procedure? You had/have several options available to you: Employ the services of the Ada County Sherrif’s Office — Civil Division, hire the services [of] a private process server, reach out to any person over the age of 18 — who is not a party to your claim to effect service on your behalf. Additionally, you could have paid a nominal fee to the Clerk of the Court to serve your complaint directly via certified mail. IDOC staff are NOT process servers, and you are prohibited by IDAPA 06.01.01 from directly serving any IDOC staff your filed complaint.

I suggest you review that attached information and reevaluate [your] service situation.

BP/bp

IDAHO DEPARTMENT OF CORRECTION
Grievance/Appeal form

Inmate: Irving 82431
Date: 6-22-20

The problem is: Brett Phillips continues to obstruct the same claim that resulted in a previous grievance, IM 190000484. Previously, he held onto the claim for two weeks after the paralegal informed he could serve it. Now he insists on providing misinformation on how the court requires it delivered: Attached are several documents from the Clerk of the Court insisting the information Brett’s providing is wrong.

I have tried to solve this problem informally by: Extended communications with the Clerk of the Court, Justice Department, Attorneys General of Idaho, concern form, and the public documentation of the entire process in “The Excessive Use of Tort Series” @ bookofirving82431.com

I suggest the following solution for the problem: Knock off your shenanigans and provide me with an address that will yield Keith Yordy’s signature on Certified Mail, the way the Clerk of the Court requires it, or give me your blessing to source the problem myself.

6-22-20

Dear Chief Page:

Brett Phillips now insists on hurling insults at me and my “inability to follow the basic ‘service of process’ instructions provided to [me]” (Memo 6-22-20), despite these communications from the Clerk of the Court I’ve attached stating the instructions he’s providing me are wrong.

As a Business major who held a 4.0 until boredom insisted I entertain with other things . . . what was I saying, again? Just kidding, I’ll remember this forever.

Regard,
Patrick Irving 82431
IMSI
PO Box 51
Boise, ID 83707

How To Get Evicted From Prison, No. 8

Previous: How To Get Evicted From Prison, No. 7

More moves today. A lot of them, too. Half my dorm just up and left. Everyone summonsed had something in common: some offense or misdeed that rang the bell of report.

We aren’t alone in undergoing a cleanse. A large portion of our population is being shame-paraded through the hallways in one swift transfer to a place of safer keeping.

Today’s exodus — the result of yesterday’s housecleaning: up and down the walk that was deemed Little Idaho people pushed their call buttons to escape impending doom. Warden Barry, who’s still trying to land Idaho’s long-term inmate trafficking contract, must have noticed a pattern. He has since pulled the covers off every unwanted still attempting to blend.

…And the newly lettered Scarlets now abandon their artifice in a single-file line to a confinement more befitting…

I rid them good biddance with a coffee that’s creamered — courtesy of what few comforts of mine finally made it to the show: The little box of property that I crammed full in Idaho found it’s way to me in Texas after only a week. Unfortunately, my enjoyment will have to be rationed, as creamer’s not offered on commissary in Texas. (The reason, they say, is a matter of flammability. And it’s humbly as an arsonist that I’m inclined to call bullshit…except I’ve never been accredited, so who am I to make the point?)

It’s no surprise when another list appears in the hands of a corrector and myself and one other are told to pack it up. We’re to move to the sister-dorm that shares the view of our foyer, where a few cellies from my first unit have made themselves at home.

It’s a comfort to be familiar with a few from where I’m going. Though there will still be questions by twenty or so others, they’ll be less aggressively asked than if I wandered in unknown.

I’m unsure if the inherent risk of being labeled as “straggler undesirable” is considered by Chainsaw — the fellow moving with me. While his name evokes the imagery of an hombre stuck in anger-gear, he’s not known by this moniker to anyone else. To others, he’s simply just a pretty Mormon thespian. And as a pilferer of funds from payments in construction, he’s humanly posing no physical threat.

(IDOC agrees: Before Texas he was an inmate firefighter. Literally working a chainsaw in the mountains, he was tapped on the shoulder and told GEO wanted him for their Karnes County Tex-Mex prison. But not for firefighting, just for bed-filler. All six of his kids and their mother be damned…they’ll have to make due without his emotional support and find another income to source their school lunch.)

Because I don’t have Chainsaw’s sweet curly locks and six-pack distraction…or I-think-it-might’ve-moved good looks…I load both barrels with misfiring humor when I’m greeted at the door and asked about my charge. There’s simply no amount of danger that can muzzle me from this: “Oh — it’s cool, man. It’s only Consent With A Firearm in Texas.”

Braced for impact, and alone in my laugh, the cushion of a friendly voice keeps my bones intact: “This fuckin’ nutball’s alright. He’s just a firebug. He was down the hall with us when we first got here.”

It’s the friend I made while still in my tux. His hair suggests he’s in the early stages of finding our groove. Which he now verifies: “What’s up you fuckin’ weirdo! This dorm’s alright. Reminds me of Afghanistan. We can do whatever the fuck we want here! I’m gonna go play cards. Call me if you make food.”

My greeter nods, eyes still on me. “There’s a couple top bunks left. And that single bunk under the White TV isn’t taken. We clean on alternate days with the Mexicans. Quiet time’s at ten.”

I say thanks and choose the single that’s fully in the day room, next to the tables, close to the door, feet away from the hallway window.

Which means, by default, I’m responsible for announcing any authority approaching our sanctioned unknowns…

COMMENTARY

…Though, in this kind of place, they’d really rather not. Because paperwork sucks and so do angry captives. Plus, they’re really not prison guards anyway. More like friendly but reluctant last-minute babysitters with no interest in justice or correctional betterment. I now suspect the few that aren’t here just for money are likely infatuated with the kind of humiliation that only comes from withholding basic human decency — and simply lack the subjects or faculties to operate alone. In regards to the actual ratio of sadists/drug dealers/rejects to those respectably working our private prison surroundings — all I can say is: O’ blend do they easy.

Aside: While sadists enjoy the reinforcement that comes with any bust precursing human deprivation or unnecessary punishment, drug dealers (God bless ’em) and rejects prefer the opposite of attention: Their needs are better suited flying under any radar — thus they minimize contact with management while gaming us with keep. Exceptions: Management.

And, occasionally: The Sociopath. While we were all handpicked from Idaho for exceptionally good behavior, staff tell us they’ve been informed we’re the worst of the worst — handle us accordingly. Meaning, their hidden echelon of sadists, drug dealers and rejects are likely under the command of a professional sociopathic rank. Hospitable, competent, and hard working be damned…

END COMMENTARY

This dorm has been modified to accommodate a 50/50 demographic of White and Hispanic — in the style of any tarp-city refugee camp: blankets and laundry hang between bunks, providing cover and privacy for proclivities unknown. Card games and hobbies occupy tables while others bunk up with books or microwave soups.

…Artisans, jewelers, candy vendors and food, a silent disco with headphones in a bilingual schmooze…

This shantytown has the feel of “early-stage music festival.” And as I realize that strange man’s acid was anything but bunk, I excite at the thought that the journey’s begun.

“Hells Bells (Live)”
–Ac/Dc

Next: How To Get Evicted From Prison, No. 8

Excessive Use of Tort, No. 6

Letters back from the Clerk of the Court say I have to serve Warden Keith Yordy directly for the judge to acknowledge my claim of The Missing TV. But Idaho Code requires me to serve Yordy through the Attorney General if I want the same judge to rule on my case responsibly. That Yordy’s now retired and the Clerk’s letters show signs of a paranoid schizophrenic can only mean one thing… I’ve been chosen for a mission to correspond accordingly:

5-4-20

Dear Clerk of the Court:

I received a receipt for papers I submitted to be served via certified mail, dated 4-10-20, #37937-2020-ROI. I was never informed of their delivery. This is for CV-20-04423. I’m looking to see if they were in fact served and if the time to respond has passed.

Thanks,
Patrick Irving 82431
IMSI
PO Box 51
Boise, ID 83707

Patrick , CV01-20-4423

The certified mail slip came back as Ray Martinez signed it. The Judge Does Not consider this Proper service due to Keith yordy is suppose to sign for it. you need to get Keith served a Different way. You can try certified mail again or Hire someone or Have someone over the age of 18 do it for you. The Case will stay open for a couple more months before sending out a Notice of Dismissal.

Thank you

Amanda
Civil Clerk

5-8-20

Dear Clerk of the Court:

I recently sent a request to provide service for CV-20-4423, which lists Keith Yordy as Defendant. I noted in my request that the service need [sic] to be directed to the deputy attorneys general assigned to the [Idaho Department of Correction] per Idaho Code 06.01.01.106. That request appears to have been ignored, and service was given at my prison facility’s address instead.

What do I need to do to ensure the Clerk can assist me with service? Do you have the necessary copies to try again and will the second attempt also come at my expense?

Please inform me how to proceed.

Regards,
Patrick Irving 82431
IMSI
PO Box 51
Boise, ID 83707

Patrick , Re: CV01-20-4423

We only Do service on the Defendant and the address you Provided us. On your Claim you have Keith yordy as the Defendant and his address as 1300 S. Pleasant Valley Rd. Kuna ID. 83634. It looks like this is his work address. We did attempt this but a Ray Martinez signed for it and the Judge Does Not Accept this as Proper Service. If you would like to use a Different address Than you can fill out the form I provided you. It is Information for the service. you still need to use the Defendants name unless you want to Amend your claim and add a Different or another Defendant. yes you Have to pay another $7.00 for Certified Mail.

Thank-you Amanda

5-18-20

Dear Clerk of the Court:

Thank you for responding to my inquiry regarding service for my claim CV-20-4423. I’m afraid I don’t understand how a judge can refuse to accept the claim being served in the manner that Idaho Administrative Code IDAPA 06.01.01 #106 requires me to serve it:

“The Board authorizes and directs that all service of summons, complaints, and subpoenas against or upon the Board, the Department, or any employee of the Department for or related to a cause of action arising out of or related to the scope and course of the actions, duties, or employment of the Board, the Department, or any employee of the Department shall be made upon the deputy attorneys general assigned to the Department in the manner and form required by state and federal rules of procedure. (10-05-07)”

Is it possible that you could explain this conflict for me?

Also, I’ve been trying to serve notices to the Department for about eight months now, and between them not delivering my mail and little mix-ups like these, the Defendant has actually had time to retire from his position. Do you suppose that will make a difference when I can’t confront the Department but through the employee responsible for my claim?

Thank you,
Patrick Irving 82431
IMSI
PO Box 51
Boise, ID 83707

5-22-2020

No case number provided. Please provide Ada County Case Number

Tim L.

5-28-20

Dear Clerk of the Court:

Isn’t CV-20-4423 a case number? It’s in the first sentence of my last letter, which I’m including. I’ve also included a letter from you where it’s written like this: CV01-20-4423. Does that help?

Please refer to my 5-18-20 letter, included, for the nature of my concern.

Thank you,
Patrick Irving 82431
IMSI
PO Box 51
Boise, ID 83707

CV01-20-4423 6/3/20

Patrick ,

Sorry your letter Dated the 18th Did Have your case number on it. Unfortunately as far as service goes on Small Claims, the Person your suing has to be served and for Certified Mail Has to be the one to sign for it. If you have a different address you want it mailed to, we can try that. you can also try having someone you know over the age of 18 do service for you.

Thank-you

Amanda
civil clerk

Office of the Attorney General
ATTN: Mark Kubinski, Emily MacMaster, Karin Magneli, Oscar Klaas
700 W. Jefferson Street, Ste 210
PO Box 83720
Boise, ID 83720-0010

6-8-20

Dear IDOC Legal Staff:

I’ve encountered a multitude of problems in attempting to serve the Department with a small claim that occurred in April ’19. (Here, I would refer you to your copy of the Notice of Tort and its supporting materials, had the Department seen it delivered to both you and the Secretary of State the two times they were placed in Legal Mail. For reasons you’ll understand, I’ve decided to hold on to those notices and their postmarked envelopes — with your respective addresses on them — without breaking their original seal. That said, you should still have the copy I served the Department’s main office after I was given wrong instructions by facility staff.) But my problem today is that the Clerk of the Court insists that I serve the Defendant directly, despite IDAPA 06.01.01 #106 stating service “shall be made upon the deputy attorneys general assigned to the Department.”

The Defendant of case CV01-20-4423 is the now-retired Warden Keith Yordy, and my facility’s paralegal actually did attempt to serve him directly. However the Department commandeered the claim and then held onto it until Yordy retired. Then they sent it back to me with the directive to send it to you. And, again: the Clerk of the Court insists I should not.

I’ve taken the liberty of documenting this long and frustrating process and presenting it publicly as the “Excessive Use of Tort” series at bookofirving82431.com, where you’ll also find further illustrations of an inmate’s inability to access the courts while under the care of IDOC in “Exhausted Grievances in Summary (for legal and investigative purpose)“.

I provide this information as a courtesy and ask that you reciprocate with input on why it may be I’m having such trouble serving my claim.

Thank you,
Patrick Irving 82431
IMSI
PO Box 51
Boise, ID 83707

IDAHO DEPARTMENT OF CORRECTION
INMATE CONCERN FORM

6-8-20

To: Chief Page
From: Irving 82431

The Clerk of the Court insists I serve Keith Yordy directly if I want to have my claim recognized by a judge. In attempting to do so previously, the Department held onto my claim long enough for Yordy to retire, and then sent it back weeks later unserved — after I was assured by facility staff they’d get the job done. I have informed the Clerk of the Court of IDAPA 06.01.01.106 requiring me to serve the Department through the attorneys general — they say not for small claims [semicolon] I have to serve Yordy directly. Seeing as how my attempt to do so while he worked at my facility was obstructed, I now have to ask you for his home address per recommendation of the Clerk of the Court. Ridiculous, I know. But true.

6-8-20

Clerk of the Court:

I have received your letter dated 6/3/20, and understand that despite Idaho Code IDAPA 06.01.01 #106, you’re requiring me to serve claim CV01-20-4423’s Defendant Keith Yordy personally, and not through the attorneys general.

Please note that in order to do so, I may be soliciting assistance from nefarious associates who, quite likely, are already on various government watch lists. And using monitored communications to request research on state Defendants may be flagged as a threat by my captors. So should I be savagely beaten by the hands of prison staff, know it’s only because researching their peers is a threat their corrective fists yearn to contain.

How about just asking the Department nicely for their employee’s address, you say. I am, but considering how they’ve already obstructed this claim for over a year, those filthy pagans are unlikely to just hand it over. Which means we’ll have to file a civil suit for their foreseeable obstruction. That will require two months for the grievance process, and a few more for notice of tort, before I alone can begin our new claim.

I may need enough of an extension to recoup from their punishments, whether long or short route. Will that be okay?

Regards,
Patrick Irving 82431
IMSI
PO Box 51
Boise, ID 83707

Esoterica: Entry 15 (Vote-For-Me Jesus)

“Weeeeellll, now…I come to you today–oh, yes I do!–with a record that speaks for itself…”

“Uh-huh!” “Loud and clear, it does!” “Oh, yes it does!”

“…You heard ’em for yo’self, now, Jesus–they all said it…”

“Yes we did!” “Oh Lord, we did!” “I’ll say it again now, too!”

“…That’s a whole lotta people, now, Jesus–not just me…”

“You tell that boy, Virgil!” “And you tell that Jesus good!” “Hallelujah, let the Lord know what’ch’you done!”

“…I cleared the path for you, Jesus. Ooooh, yes I did…I beat that path free with sticks!..”

“Amen!” “He beat the shit out that path, Jesus!” Lordy, he gassed ’em good, too!”

“…You know I did…God DAMN, you know I did!…All in your name, Jesus…”

“He ain’t done it in the name of any other!” “Amen!” “Suck-egg-hound, Jesus!”

“…Noooow, Jesus…I’m fixin’ on leadin’ millions of people in your name, now…and it’s in no humble way that I take aim for you billions…”

“He gonna get ’em, too!” “Gonna round up every last one’a dem heathens, Jesus!” “Ain’t no doubt in my mind!”

“…And I’m gonna make ’em follow yo’ ways, Jesus…follow ’em all, just like me…”

“He’ll ain’t foolin’, Jesus!” “That boy’s serious!” “He gonna put the touch-a-healin’ on them the same way he did us!”

“…And every one’a’dem sheep gonna get their own stick…and in the favor of the Lord–summa that teargas, too…”

“Ain’t no favorites in the eyes of the Lord, now!” “Lord, no!” “We gonna beat ’em all equally, Jesus!”

“…Sooo, Lord…I come to you now…”

“Say it, Reverend!” “We here right now with you!” “I ain’t never had nowhere else to go, myself!”

“…And I ask you, my Lord and my Savior: I ain’t never put my faith in no one but YOU…so now, what’ch’you gonna do for me?…”

“Give ’em the bill now, Virgil!” Hell, yeah–add it all up!” “Grace of the Lordy, even the score!”

“I ain’t never done asked you fo’ much, now, Jesus…but today, as my flock is my witness, I’m gonna ask you, Lord…my whole life I voted for you…and today I need you to vote for me…”

“Hell, yeah!” “What’s it gonna be, Jesus!” “Is Yo’ Holiness with us or against us?”

“Hold on now…the Lord’s comin’ to me direct…zimbawabawaba-wee-wewe…uh-huh…chookachockacocka-pee-pee…yup, I agree with you there…mokamokamoka-ding-dong…well, I appreciate that, Jesus…pleasure doin’ business with ya…”

“Well, Reverend?” “What’d he say, Virgil?” “Yeah, Virgil–what’s the verdict?”

“…He said it’s our November, Boys. Let’s take it to the bus!”

“Licentious Intentions: A Shipwreck (the dirty mick) Series, No. 6

Forget everything that I’ve formally learned. For a few bucks today I can start a new business.

…Considering how I turned forty in my prime into thirty grand a month…with proper training since, courtesy of government defectors and the local University…when factored in with having already infiltrated the secret world of Search, which, as luck would have it right now, is turned upsidedown…plus recent articles describing how ten-dollar micro-investments in the Third World bank small businesses that bask in the love…now carry the one…and here I am: perfectly civilized, with plenty of love to give…

Hell…it would be entirely more criminal not to.

If each investment I’m vetting’s only ten bones a buy-in, I can cross-chip the board to account for all my luck. Just one batch of therapeutics converted into scratch should minimize the risk of my diversified ambition. Then, with a new-improved recipe for taxable income, I’ll merge my elicits with aggression and walk away from this run.

…And if along the way I’m delt a hand from the card deck of Bezos, maybe I’ll slowplay a few rounds of check-raise the world…

Worst case scenario: I have other options to falsify income. But I’d rather avoid spending money on an inventory that I don’t ever plan on selling. Which leaves either convincing the IRS that in my thirties I’m still up-and-coming as a rapper, or pretending that I’ve fully transitioned into motivational speaking. While both professions are plentiful with write-offs that parallel my lifestyle, “business professional” remains the safe bet.

Sparking up a cloud, I key in a few strokes, and summons my innate ability to exploit a time of crisis.

…As Internet real estate calls me to cultivate, I mull over possible addresses for porous foundations…

Commonly reffered to as a URL or domain are the string of values entered to reach sites like prettykittymitties.com or bigbootybumps.net. Flatearthilluminati.info — that’s another one, and it probably makes coin. Even undeveloped, as prospects, they’re commonly assessed. Though one’s unlikely to know by which criteria they’re observed.

For instance, maybe a brand or a slogan is preparing to launch and you’re on the runway it needs to maximize its landing. Or maybe you bought a cutesy domain to mark your anniversary — not knowing the date’s significance in Mandarin numerology. In either case, when contacted by a domain broker on behalf of a corporate conglomerate or a casino in Macau, you’re unlikely to know for which client they’re calling. And even less likely — their budget for the call.

But say, through a unique form of insight, you’ve procured a domain knowing of its eventual need. Perhaps you’ve been reading business journals or registries and watching trademark submissions and copyright claims… Whatever be the case — as the need is realized, so is your leverage. And leverage, my friend, that’s money in the bank.

This practice, by the way, is referred to as “parking,” and it’s often obnoxious…my preferred line of work.

Note: when picking domains, it’s suggested one stick with the original extensions, though others have been introduced over time to accommodate the Internet’s rapid expansion. So dot com is the best, .net is good, .org is okay, .biz sucks, and .info gets traffic but doesn’t move merch — this according to stats and chatter in forums. Others are out there — some region specic — but they too are valued like a residential zip: The difference in resale can range between one and three figures…and with the right words before them, people go berserk.

The right words, or “keywords,” are where the big-money lies. They funnel spenders to businesses online that might otherwise blend in with the crowd. This saves a lot of money in marketing and helps maintain a brand. (Of course, one also has to manage their site properly — like any other property in Real Estate Land.)

So if a business selling car parts in Chicago isn’t as visible as its competitors — by strategically developing its lot on “chicagoauto.com,” they score points with the doorman that we recognize as Search.

Also, any company whose business is done substantially online has a vested interest in keeping their clients from being diverted. Diversions can range from common misspellings to creative counterfeits, warring with mischief.

Now here’s my plan: With keywords and wordplay I’ll conceive a few brands that market themselves as “loathingly clever.” Then, using the tools I’ve liberated from work, assess their URL values for Search before registering them at entry-level cost. From there I can park them with a broker and use their landing for ads. Which hedges my investment, in case they never sell. Or, I can affiliate with any number of sales programs that will platform their products using my domains. With none of their bullshit ever touching my hands, it’s called drop shipping, and it’s clever distribution. A lot of services even keep the books for you and Direct Depost their checks in your increment of choice.

Enjoying the simplicity of a no-inventory business is an alley that appeals to my caliber and breed. Plus the few options I’ve mentioned are just low-hanging fruit. Should I begin to understand the slightest bit of programming, I’m sure to unlock a couple avenues and level-up in worth.

Like my new old boss, from a few weeks ago, who showed me how a keyword domain and RSS feed at one time drew enough traffic for a monthly three grand. All he displayed was Today’s Price For Gold. A real low-effort operation, routinely good for cash.

Assuming that douchebag can do it, I’m prime to make a move. Because guys like me…well…we’re built to sex algorithms…

“Come and Get Your Love”
— Redbone

First Amend This!: An IDOC Newsletter, Jun. 2020

Previous:First Amend This! An IDOC Newsletter, May 2020

Welcome to the June issue of First Amend This!: An IDOC Newsletter that addresses Idaho Corrections concerns.

Brought to you by The Captive Perspective and made available at bookofirving82431.com.

This publication provides an insider’s look at issues affecting the Idaho Department of Correction’s community. If you wish to assist this effort, share the link, cut and paste, or print and send a copy to another

Our Mission: To better develop our current state of Corrections.

The Idaho Legislature shares our mission and welcomes your comments! Feel free to send them your thoughts, attached to a copy of this publication.

EDITOR SEEKS DEAD HORSE

If you come across one that needs a good beating, I’ll be more than happy to give it the shtick.

GOVERNOR LITTLE FINGERS INMATE’S VAGINA FOR SUPREME COURT VOYEURS

Idaho’s Governor Brad Little regards inmate’s request to be medically treated for gender dysphoria as having one too many holes for the state.

Currently unfolded, in a very hairy situation, IDOC’s failed attempt to postpone the court-ordered medical procedures initially recommended by doctors who know best.

As Governor Little struggles to powerbottom a precedent, he’s assumed the positioned to sustain quite a pounding: The State’s recent arguments to halt all procedures of the surgical sort — prior to the Supreme Court deciding whether they can pull back the curtains of confusion and find a slot for the case — were strategically resisted in a struggle to exhaust state appeals.

After being wrestled into submission on the floor of state courts, Governor Little requested a rematch be viewed in front of a federal audience, where he suspects the gears of justice will be lubed in his flavor, to assist the pull-out of Edmo’s infamous wiener transition, in what so far has been an exhibition spectacular and, according to inmates, like too many others.

Our legal analyst suspects the Governor’s insistence of holding on to the wiener in question is verging the realm of romantic. Whether or not he’ll release it from clench upon Supreme Court ruling has been the subject of rumors and concerns in circulation.

Offenders polled express general favor towards the incurring of any substantial correctional expense — especially, when done by an inmate represented in the courts. However, in general consensus, the same offender poles can’t imagine getting behind this vagina in particular.

IDOC/KEEFE/JPAY EXTORTION RACKET TARGETS IDAHO INMATES. GOOD WHOLESOME CHRISTIANS PAY THE PRICE.

Five dollars nowadays is what is a single serving of Dolly Madison zingers costs families supporting their loved ones held under the jurisdiction of the Idaho Department of Correction. The zingers recently replaced the Dolly Madison cupcakes that were selling for two dollars — which were offered themselves as a substitute for a superior brand in 2017, at the same time being doubled in price.

The zingers were recently introduced following the visitor ban implemented at all IDOC facilities — where the same serving size of zingers costs a fraction of that price when purchased through the vending machines in Visiting.

This comes only months after IDOC vendor JPAY sparked public outrage by charging inmates for public domain literary works made available by Project Gutenberg. (Project Gutenberg states with every eBook they make available that they’re “for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever.”)

After their public shaming, JPay sent IDOC offenders an email stating that their heart bleeds for us, and such is our luck, they will no longer charge for what never belonged to them in the first place.

However, their bleeding heart apparently found a plug, because in a more recent message, JPay notified IDOC offenders that their correspondees will no longer benefit from the stamp prices given to offender families in Washington. That the price of a JPAY stamp in Washington is roughly 1/5 of Idaho’s price raises questions regarding IDOC’s Contract Management negotiation abilities, along with their persistent attempts to empty the coffers of inmate families.

Fortunately for IDOC inmates at GEO Group’s Eagle Pass Correctional Facility in Texas, many of the same Keefe commissary items purchased in Idaho can be ordered there for one-half to two-thirds the price. Which is curious because IDOC has historically blamed scheduled price increases on Keefe, making it more likely than not that someone needs thrown under the bus.

[This reporter relied upon the zingers image provided by Keefe to assess the actual serving size. He would have bought a package to further confirm did it not have a price of FIVE FUCKING DOLLARS!]

PAT DONALDSON ADIOSED

IDOC’s Chief of Contract Management Pat Donaldson has left his position with the Department of Correction. Which may or may not be a good thing, considering how appeals made on behalf of all EPCF inmates in Texas — requesting IDOC hold their Contract Facility to the provisions outlined in IDOC Agreement Number A18-002 — were dutifully ignored under the supervision of Pat.

According to inmates, after several months of grievances failed to receive adequate consideration from Idaho, they were then presented to the Texas Commission on Jail Standards in a compilation titled “Violations of Texas Minimum Jail Standards” in June 2019.

Though the same presentation was also sent to IDOC Director Josh Tewalt, an August memo we’ve obtained has Jack Fraser confirming the Department will continue not hold GEO Group to contract standards, by stating that an offender is not entitled to IDOC’s disciplinary procedures in Texas. The statement is a clear contradiction of section 5.5 in the public contract and the practice further violates TCJS standards.

Unfortunately, concerns over Pat’s interest in managing contracts may now meet their fate at the Division of Public Works in the Department of Administration, seeing how Idaho has rewarded his broom and rug work in Corrections by asking him to head the state’s Public Works division.

When asked who would replace Pat in his position, FAT! was told “The [D]epartment will post the job announcement and go through the hiring process to find an applicant.”

KNOWN SURVIVORS AT EAGLE PASS CORRECTIONAL FACILITY

Following a member of EPCF staff testing positive for COVID-19, up to three units at IDOC’s contract facility were placed in quarantine. That there are still inmates alive to quarantine can only be considered “a very good sign,” says an inmate familiar the GEO Group facility’s deficiencies and “level of concern or lack thereof” from IDOC contract monitors and oversight agencies in Texas.

The facility sits roughly a mile from the Rio Grande in Mexico and was covered extensively by this reporter after he successfully embedded himself in the inmate population from 2018-19.

See: The Battle for Dish Soap at Eagle Pass, Violations of Texas Minimum Jail Standards, Book of Irving 82431 (Sections 1-4)

WEATHER WATCH

We’ll be classifying the breeze as a skosh of oppressive, as it continues to assist the poop ponds with some unusual waft.

And as we come into June, some days in the nineties. But where we need at least a week in a row before we get ice, expect for the meantime to be treated like the sewage — or so goes the IDOC motto: In the most inefficient way!

Also, the birds have been perching above the rec cages again. So, in the event that it rains while you’re seeking fresh air, you can expect a little mix of waft and drizzled shit.

This forecast has been brought to you by the Book of Irving Project — now providing a sneak peek of a little something in the works…

SNEAK PEEK

Letters back from the Clerk of the Court say I have to serve Warden Keith Yordy directly for the judge to acknowledge my claim of The Missing TV. But Idaho Code requires me to serve Yordy through the Attorney General if I want the same judge to rule on my case responsibly. That Yordy’s now retired and the Clerk’s letters show signs of a paranoid schizophrenic can only mean one thing… I’ve been chosen for a mission to correspond accordingly.

Irving 82431 is “Surfing the Channels of Oversight.” Coming soon to a tier near you.

IMPORTANT INFORMATION REGARDING CARES STIMULUS CHECKS — MSG FROM IDOC

Please be aware that it is unlawful for incarcerated individuals convicted of a criminal offense to accept the CARES stimulus checks currently being issued by the United States government. The following is language from the Frequently Asked Questions page of the Internal Revenue Service (IRS):

Q12. Does someone who is incarcerated qualify for the Payment? (Added May 6, 2020)

A12. No. A payment made to someone who is incarcerated should be returned to the IRS by following the instructions about repayments. A person is incarcerated if he or she is described in one or more of clauses (i) through (v) of Section 202(x)(1)(A) of the Social Security Act(42 U.S.C. § 402(x)(1)(A)(i) through (v)). For a payment made with respect to a joint return where only one spouse is incarcerated, you only need to return the portion of the payment made on account of the incarcerated spouse. This amount will be $1,200 unless adjusted gross income exceeded $150,000.

All stimulus checks addressed to incarcerated individuals received at an IDOC facility via mail will be returned to the IRS pursuant to their instructions. If you receive a stimulus check that was directly deposited into your account, you need to contact the IRS to return the payment in order to avoid criminal charges.

NEW MAIL REGULATIONS — MSG FROM IDOC

Due to the heightened security of the United State Postal Service, the USPS will no longer accept embossed commissary envelopes that weigh more than 1oz, are thicker then 1/2 inch, or are uneven (not flat). This means no small hobby craft items or jewelry in a regular #10 envelope at the current rate of 50 cents can be used. They will need to be sent out as a package and will require a withdrawal slip attached.

If you have questions, please send a concern form for your facility mail staff.

Well, folks, that’s about it for the month. Try to stay well and send us your love!

“24K Magic”
— Bruno Mars

Next:First Amend This!: An IDOC Newsletter, July 2020

Kevin Boinkston and the Chronicles Of (No. 2)

“Destiny Plus One”

After the meet at the park I came straight to my office, where I laid out the cards to see how they’d play. Each time they were dealt they came up the same: Streaks and runners on britches outgrown, belonging to Dolores — the maid with the spades.

It appears that my landlady has her hands on a racket: shuffling birdies around a big-boy net, hitting doubles and triples way outside the average. Playing volley with a house that’s known to always win. Sticky fingers in Pudendum…that’s dangerous game.

How long has she been operating under my nose? And what does the fact that she’s doing so say about me?

‘Reality check, Kevin — you’re more dangerous than you think. Consider it a possibility you’re sleep-training again.’ It’s too improbable her skill set would evolve on its own.

The truth hurts: I’ve fully transitioned into an autonomous weapon. Cut deep in the rough with Occam’s rusty razor, my hands are like curses that save people’s days.

Kaepernicking the flag that shares a wall in my office with a poster of Elvis and the back of his jacket, I tribute the brothers, teeth in a grit, and sing a little song we’ve all shared before: “I can’t escape the fact that ladies love danger, but what kind of man would I be to put one in harm’s way? Is never knowing love the price of my skills? And what kind of payment options does a layaway take?”

I’m answered by a picture on my desk, taped to a binder. Trapper-keeping my heart, the root of my strength:

More than just another flame to dwindle or a pretty bird to catch, she was a fire-breathing dragon, and I was her prey. I’m talking about the kind of girl that would beg for your other walkie-talkie, and then keep you up late, ear to the speaker, waiting for her to code another fart with directions for the long lonely walk down an aisle of broken glass. As sore on the eyes as a ruler on hips: Like a dish made for chafing — both effs on the table.

I paid a pound of laughter every time she gave a pinch. “Wake me if I’m dreaming,” she always would say.

The poems I wrote about peacocks, she loved to no end. And rich as they were alone by themselves, when sugared a little with interpretive dance, they effectively turned her girlfriends all jelly. Unfortunately, theirs was the kind that spread salty and bitter. As she fell in lust, they drowned in their pain. For too many days we suffered in their longing. And out of their insatiable hunger grew heartbreak a name — K-Boi the Love Stroke: Destiny Plus One.

Sweet with the moves like a licorice twist, I met every challenge of theirs with a karate-hands routine. Only in submission did they permit us a rainbow. I’ll never trust anyone else with my Cabbage Patch Kids…

Plenty of lessons were learned from the time of back then. Like how if you only dance alone you’ll keep your heart out of the rubble. Knowing now that nothing’s as fragile as a person’s human boundaries, I refuse to trust any technique that I haven’t honed myself. And damned be the days that I have to opt for backup. Because when backup missteps, yours truly pays the price.

Now, with the Dolores situation, of course it all makes sense: Her trips into Chinatown for high-stakes Pokémon. Her babysitting tournaments, juice-loose with Pogs. Her fascination with crypto, current on the exchange. I can bet with one or two guesses when she’ll grease the wrong wheels: Sometime in the future — either sooner or later.

Less a matter of when, more a matter of who: Because when a secret like hers gets flagged by The Service, there’s not enough hips in the world to break an old lady’s fall. Even if the cats in her nip don’t scratch or meow, some pussy with the feds will eat a turd out her box.

This being a problem I’m unlikely to solve in one sitting, I better take advantage of the early morning wees, so that I’m not in a rush to lay down with the sun. Slowly rolling into a lull, eyelids as heavy as a windowless van, I groom a pep persuasive enough to let the slumber to happen: ‘Everything bouncing on my knees will be registered later. There’s not a zone safe enough to distance Kevin Boinkston from a lead.’

At 7:59 a.m. my knife-hand wakes up before me. Numbers flipping on my desk try to signal an alarm. A tuck-and-roll off my sleep pad… in the silence I’m Adonis. Victim One for breakfast, it’s time to start the day.

Most practitioners wouldn’t kick-flip into jumping jacks from a dead-eyed sleep. You can guess what it says that I throw in a burpee.

Thirty-second bursts have been known to change the world: That’s the motto the city pays me to ingrain.

Where trouble runs deep, I’ve matched it with a cover. And the next four hours are crucial to my keeping it alive. If I don’t go about my day the same way as every other, the other cases I’m working might spook themselves away. I’ll have to trust that Shukahkahka finds himself in good hands. And that Dolores won’t do anything too rash to intercede.

Drenched in my own sweat, I call it a workout, leaving twenty-nine minutes until the widow-maker rings. I hope for the sake of those today sharing my proximity that, for the time-being, my aggression’s been drained.

Under the spray of a nozzle in a handicap shower, I sit on the bench and take a moment to think. Not because I can’t while I’m standing, but because this old watch tower’s nipples enjoy a little spray.

I think about how these civilians need to improve their amenities.

I think about if I had inherited a fortune and couldn’t use a phone.

I think about how different life would be if my work permitted friends.

And I question what good is a family that never earns your trust.

Body now as dry as my thoughts, I lace up my boots, wondering which unlucky recruit I’ll break first — right off the bus.