Updates

Kevin Boinkston and the Chronicles Of (No. 2)

“Destiny Plus One”

After the meet at the park I came straight to my office, where I laid out the cards to see how they’d play. Each time they were dealt they came up the same: Streaks and runners on britches outgrown, belonging to Dolores — the maid with the spades.

It appears that my landlady has her hands on a racket: shuffling birdies around a big-boy net, hitting doubles and triples way outside the average. Playing volley with a house that’s known to always win. Sticky fingers in Pudendum…that’s dangerous game.

How long has she been operating under my nose? And what does the fact that she’s doing so say about me?

‘Reality check, Kevin — you’re more dangerous than you think. Consider it a possibility you’re sleep-training again.’ It’s too improbable her skill set would evolve on its own.

The truth hurts: I’ve fully transitioned into an autonomous weapon. Cut deep in the rough with Occam’s rusty razor, my hands are like curses that save people’s days.

Kaepernicking the flag that shares a wall in my office with a poster of Elvis and the back of his jacket, I tribute the brothers, teeth in a grit, and sing a little song we’ve all shared before: “I can’t escape the fact that ladies love danger, but what kind of man would I be to put one in harm’s way? Is never knowing love the price of my skills? And what kind of payment options does a layaway take?”

I’m answered by a picture on my desk, taped to a binder. Trapper-keeping my heart, the root of my strength:

More than just another flame to dwindle or a pretty bird to catch, she was a fire-breathing dragon, and I was her prey. I’m talking about the kind of girl that would beg for your other walkie-talkie, and then keep you up late, ear to the speaker, waiting for her to code another fart with directions for the long lonely walk down an aisle of broken glass. As sore on the eyes as a ruler on hips: Like a dish made for chafing — both effs on the table.

I paid a pound of laughter every time she gave a pinch. “Wake me if I’m dreaming,” she always would say.

The poems I wrote about peacocks, she loved to no end. And rich as they were alone by themselves, when sugared a little with interpretive dance, they effectively turned her girlfriends all jelly. Unfortunately, theirs was the kind that spread salty and bitter. As she fell in lust, they drowned in their pain. For too many days we suffered in their longing. And out of their insatiable hunger grew heartbreak a name — K-Boi the Love Stroke: Destiny Plus One.

Sweet with the moves like a licorice twist, I met every challenge of theirs with a karate-hands routine. Only in submission did they permit us a rainbow. I’ll never trust anyone else with my Cabbage Patch Kids…

Plenty of lessons were learned from the time of back then. Like how if you only dance alone you’ll keep your heart out of the rubble. Knowing now that nothing’s as fragile as a person’s human boundaries, I refuse to trust any technique that I haven’t honed myself. And damned be the days that I have to opt for backup. Because when backup missteps, yours truly pays the price.

Now, with the Dolores situation, of course it all makes sense: Her trips into Chinatown for high-stakes Pokémon. Her babysitting tournaments, juice-loose with Pogs. Her fascination with crypto, current on the exchange. I can bet with one or two guesses when she’ll grease the wrong wheels: Sometime in the future — either sooner or later.

Less a matter of when, more a matter of who: Because when a secret like hers gets flagged by The Service, there’s not enough hips in the world to break an old lady’s fall. Even if the cats in her nip don’t scratch or meow, some pussy with the feds will eat a turd out her box.

This being a problem I’m unlikely to solve in one sitting, I better take advantage of the early morning wees, so that I’m not in a rush to lay down with the sun. Slowly rolling into a lull, eyelids as heavy as a windowless van, I groom a pep persuasive enough to let the slumber to happen: ‘Everything bouncing on my knees will be registered later. There’s not a zone safe enough to distance Kevin Boinkston from a lead.’

At 7:59 a.m. my knife-hand wakes up before me. Numbers flipping on my desk try to signal an alarm. A tuck-and-roll off my sleep pad… in the silence I’m Adonis. Victim One for breakfast, it’s time to start the day.

Most practitioners wouldn’t kick-flip into jumping jacks from a dead-eyed sleep. You can guess what it says that I throw in a burpee.

Thirty-second bursts have been known to change the world: That’s the motto the city pays me to ingrain.

Where trouble runs deep, I’ve matched it with a cover. And the next four hours are crucial to my keeping it alive. If I don’t go about my day the same way as every other, the other cases I’m working might spook themselves away. I’ll have to trust that Shukahkahka finds himself in good hands. And that Dolores won’t do anything too rash to intercede.

Drenched in my own sweat, I call it a workout, leaving twenty-nine minutes until the widow-maker rings. I hope for the sake of those today sharing my proximity that, for the time-being, my aggression’s been drained.

Under the spray of a nozzle in a handicap shower, I sit on the bench and take a moment to think. Not because I can’t while I’m standing, but because this old watch tower’s nipples enjoy a little spray.

I think about how these civilians need to improve their amenities.

I think about if I had inherited a fortune and couldn’t use a phone.

I think about how different life would be if my work permitted friends.

And I question what good is a family that never earns your trust.

Body now as dry as my thoughts, I lace up my boots, wondering which unlucky recruit I’ll break first — right off the bus.

Excessive Use of Tort, No. 5

Chief of Prisons Chad Page
Idaho Department of Correction
1299 N. Orchard St., Ste 110
Boise, ID 83706

5-12-20

Chief Chad Page:

Thirteen months it’s been. Seven since the Department received notice directly.

The first packet presented, though improperly served, contained plenty of proof that this inmate’s personal property was pilfered as punishment under the premise that pronouncing IDOC’s private penal investment in Texas — and all its profitable particulars — apropos to Bobos and prone as other clowns, in one production, prolific, and of prize in presentation, warranted Patrick’s persecution prior to his procuring a Pulitzer.

(Lesson learned: Proposing proper prison sanitation in a pre-pandemic world requires proactive prostration and precipitous pageantry to paralyze others protesting they’re prey. (Though, in another realm, should competence be present, prescribing any portion of appropriate preponderance would likely prevent the promotion of such promiscuous propulsion towards those primitive to prithees that primarily perplex. However, be this the world that gifts me to you, for us it’s another just-one-of-our-days.))

This month’s update is as follows: Recently, through mishap of the Clerk, small claims service regarding the aforementioned issue was delivered to the Idaho Maximum Security Institution, instead of the deputy attorney general assigned to the Department. As Lady Justice requires the long road be driven prior to parking short buses at the foot of her throne, this should only be equated as a pitstop for gas.

I’m also happy to note that while this obstruction is the first I’ve experienced since February 2018 that doesn’t reek like the callous festerings of tactical despair, that service again failed to be provided only helps to resurface the frustration that by now should long have been drowned.

I know you’ve got other problems to worry about, Chief. That’s all fine by me. I’m not upset at you personally — no more than I’m willing to bear the stress of this alone.

That being the case, I’m obliged to inform you that the link “Exhausted Grievances in Summary (for legal and investigative purpose)” @ bookofirving82431.com was somehow also lost, but, fortunate for us, managed to be found by the media, Department of Justice, and various lawyers involved in suits against the Department — thus escaping the same fate as my TV.

And here be it recognized that you’ve so far kept coronavirus out of your Idaho prisons. So despite what happens to our inmates in Texas, and knowing I continue to share my story “The Battle for Dish Soap at Eagle Pass” with anyone in reach of the USPS, you may consider this offer as true as my word: Once my typewriter arrives — as a substitute for my still-missing TV, and with a challenge from those who indeed know me best — I’ll be happy to further substantiate my recommendations for the Department, along with a tally of the expenses we’ve crowned.

This concludes the homework assignment I was forced to concoct myself (due to this facility’s inability to utilize my productivity). If you’d care to assist my program of betterment by offering a percentage of 100 that checks the boxes a creative writing/civics crossover might consider as criteria, your score will be averaged with the Governor’s at midterm.

Please don’t get excited, you still aren’t invited to my parent-teacher conferences.

Overachieving in Ad-Seg,
Patrick Irving 82431
IMSI
PO Box 51
Boise, ID 83707

Idahokey

Click.

Pyew.

Pyew.

Pyew. Pyew.

“Well — it’s looking like another beautiful Wednesday evening. Sixty-seven degrees here in Boise. We’ve got a frost warning overnight, which means I’ll have to pull out the cover for my newly-planted petunias. By the way, Natalie, if you listen closely, you can practically hear them singing the national anthem.”

Pyew. Pyew.

Pyew. Pyew.

“That doesn’t surprise me at all, Roland. And for the people at home who’ve noticed, it looks like you’ve got a little action in the background. What’s going on over there? Are you barbecuing for the neighbors again?”

“Oh, no. That’s Arkon. The Krivzkans tracked him down using his vessel’s omeranium signature and are attempting to take him back into custody. Say, now that you mentioned it…look at what the omeranium’s doing for my perennials.”

“It looks like you’re a go for another ribbon, Roland.”

Click.

“…. while we bring you Lori Vallow and her husband Chad Daybell’s bond reduction hearing, following the disappearance of her dark-spirited children. Her lawyer is prepared to make the point that her husband, Chad, is having a hard time managing the Second Coming without his Imperial Lieutenant of Eternal Damnation…”

Click.

“…say that while they’ll certainly miss the fans, they’re just happy to be playing again. Unfortunately, due to the 23-hour lockdown, the players are all a little atrophied. But this hasn’t stopped them from donating the use of their hamster wheel to those on PPE duty. Money saved from the electricity generated will go to management’s Employing Lethal Use of Force Fund. However, without their normal exercise regiment, we can expect this season’s starters will be adding a few strokes to their game. Back to you, Don.”

“Glad to hear it. And on that note: KIVI has confirmed that Governor Little will appeal to the federal government for an upgrade in equipment. As you already know, President Trump has vowed to personally purchase a factory to produce toothbrushes capable of powering through the neck in one swing. Also, if you’re among those sick of watching reruns, you can take comfort knowing that IDOC has contracted with ICE to open the minor’s season early. You heard it here first: Six On Your Side.”

Click.

“…reunited with his late wife’s locket after reporting it missing — forty years ago. The locket was found Saturday in an old abandoned trunk during a storage unit auction. Canyon County investigators have yet to identify the remains of the perpetrator discovered to be wearing it…”

Click.

“…as six-year-old Beverly Wilkins tells The 208, that’s when she realized that bleach suppositories would see an uptick in demand…”

Click.

“…where Ammon Bundy and his armed supporters have marched to the Capitol steps, in protest of the virus’s inability to discriminate…”

Click.

“…churches will be allowed to reopen, but only for those who have previously demonstrated their congregation’s ability to pray the gay away…”

Click.

“…Lt. Governor McGeachin, seen here posing in pictures with businesses ignoring the governor’s quarantine orders…”

Click.

“…and as your governor, I can say that I trust the people of Idaho to do the right thing.”

Click.

The Book Of Irving Oddcast, No. 2

Congratulations on unearthing another Book of Irving Oddcast.

As a ticketed rider on the train of thought that follows, your stub may be the one that redeems us in MUX. Within this platform lies nethered conversations. (Musical cues and their contents reveal discourse and context that take this text live in dynamics.) Focus your ride on the rails of ambiguity and enjoy an experience that’s unique in its own.

From here we embark on another adventure, to the land of possibilities — to where it all began.

“BEE”
— Rothy

WELCOME! For those of you new to the program, I’m your host, Rando Mand.

Our guest today, Nyro Versus, first appeared in a story late in December, whose loss early January was a vexacious travesty. The author, crushed, and Nyro, pissed, have agreed to give our broadcast a why-the-hell-not.

In doing my best to provide an introduction, I’ve re-created this excerpt from the lost story of Nyro:

THERE IS NO SEPARATING THE AWARENESS that exists between systems. When drifting gazes cross starlit skies, one moment validates the others’ in time.

Moments: When pulled from the past, produce ripples in flow, alerting sentient forces to the Verses observed. From there they home in on the place of exchange, and appraise the effects of its motion on outward.

The Verses: Modeled efficiently, proficient in survival, planes of potential and inversions of mass. Coursing evolution in a quantified range. Time and space, the same structured organism, thrives by forming symbiont relationships with families of Simplifiers.

Simplifiers: Aware, attune, in constant motion. Prevent the tiny little deaths at work on the Verses. Seldom does a Simplifier know they’ve been purposed. When aware of the fact, they play Versus as Benders.

Versus: How Benders make their money. Sexed and compatible with other active measurements, Benders shape potential, harvesting drift, and priming signals for receivers to change their Definition. The ability is known to go straight to their head.

Definition: Creation captured in still frames. Potential pulled into the plane of existence, to be fed to the entropy that feasts on the Verses. Forever in bounds it happens.

Nyro Versus: Escaped definition to live in the flux. Works as a Bender to free the inner workings captive. Once entangled in a system, he pulls a lot of levers.

There’s no separating an awareness from Nyro Versus’ Benders.

“Stuck in the Middle with You”
— Stealers Wheel

RM: And here we are again, Nyro. I missed you, bud. Thanks for coming back.

NV: No problem. Thanks for changing my name from Nyro the Gypso Timer.

RM: Yeah. Sorry about that. I guess I considered you a Timer.

NV: You and Laura both. But bending space and bouncing shapes isn’t exactly traveling time.

RM: Still confusing, though. Can we get into that?

NV: I’ll sum it up like this: Time is a simple way to measure the distance between events in a Verse — and the more distance placed between, the more space, expanse, and time. You’d have to return every state in a Verse to its previous position just to reach the place relative to one. And that requires more energy than any Verse keeps at home.

It’s actually easier to slide through many than manipulate the prior positioning of one.

RM: So Einstein-Padolski-Rosen?

NV: Not wrong. Tunnels work. Albeit a little differently than the way you understand.

RM: Can you move through them?

NV: You can move information states through them. But pulling past states to present is different than pushing present ones back.

RM: Please explain.

NV: The past already coincides with the present. The power of recall alone allows ways to make visits — ways integral in flow, supported in time. But assuming you had the power to maintain the current state while accelerating inward, everything relative would get pulled along with it, i.e. all hell would break loose and you’d look like a dick.

RM: And the future?

NV: Again, the future moves outward, expanding as space continues to create new events. So, if shortening the distance to a target state is your goal, you’d minimize the expanse you travel by reducing events that lie in your path. Less events equals less distance between them, equals a faster rate of travel from the state you started from. That’s as good a fast forward as any.

RM: How do you as a Bender minimize the expanse?

NV: I simplify and circumvent. I harness the potential saved during a reduction of random events and exchange it into a currency that buys the space to move freely. Then I remodel the new digs with customized calculus strings.

RM: Which means?

NV: I pimp the other side, by fine-tuning a balance and sending it in motion. If melodic enough, it attracts other systems, whose interest is used to negotiate an entanglement. It’s an inoculation request for others — forget about the distance, I want to buy you lunch.

RM: How do you know if they work?

NV: Like a parasitic imprint, my strings create signature fractals that ripple through space using Creation as a signalling medium. If you follow the trail, you know: Nyro Versus did this — it’s gotta be good.

Whether bio, chemical, physical, or quantum, my imprints at work build on potential. It’s nothing special where I come from: So says the systems that imprinted on me.

RM: What systems are those?

NV: Hard to say. We don’t exactly exist the same way. It was like an arranged marriage, my induction into the family. I was just minding my own business–

RM: Uh-huh.

NV: Okay, I was mixing it up with a rugged bunch, tugging on their existence, and they decided to come through — their systems along with them. Everything together, moving through layers.

RM: Entangled. And we’re back to Einstein-Padolski-Rosen?

NV: Several systems separated by Verses, and the signatures of some are expressing through others? I’d say an exchange is obvious.

I’d also say transmitters and receivers form an information bridge — that not unlike a muscle develops, reinforcing its use. The bridge being flexed indicates transference. Transference restructures a gradient’s potential to give kinetics new pathways.

RM: To what benefit?

NV: Information packed into a state that maps the potential of others, when programmed with a wave-function collapse, can roundabout time.

RM: Hmm. Like a lateral transfix that holds a target state in place. I suppose that would make it easier to reach. Cool.

NV: There’s a margin of error, of course.

RM: Of course. Now, isn’t that kind of the long way home?

NV: Look. When it come to transmitting states, adverse effects go unnoticed on the miniature scale. But when trying the same with complex structural frames, they do not. Sending relative matter can stress the definitions in which we survive. Meaning: While one can transfer the instructions to duplicate a construct, teleporting dynamically coupled states is something we’d rather you not.

RM: I see. And, speaking to my audience now: You hear that fuckers? No messing around!

“We Are The Rock”
— Slot Machine

RM: Well, Nyro, I’ve gotta ask: What’s it all for?

NV: Versus.

RM: Pardon?

NV: Everything in existence is in a competition. Thermodynamics itself is the fight for survival. Some systems team up to compete against others. That’s what we’ve done. It’s the best way to work.

RM: What does a game of Bender Versus look like?

NV: Like gods getting high on eliminating time.

RM: Is that really the language you’d like to use?

NV: Junkies are honest. What more can I say?

RM: But you’re not actually eliminating time, are you?

NV: Reducing randomness is like removing gangrene: Preventing the spread of useless proliferation keeps the organism hosting our play healthy.

And by conducting synchronized ensembles into sentient expressions, I give it a little personality, too.

RM: That’s pretty cool. Can you walk me through an example of how a Simplifier is identified and purposed? And how a Bender realizes they’ve been sexed by a state?

NV: Okay.

Example: A prison. To you, thousands of systems, gathered in a manner that contains their potential. To us, the identifiable properties of a quadrillion interactions — mostly simplified, condensing a state.

On the entropy plane, their tiny little deaths take place with relative predictability. Save for one anomaly with many synched motions.

We find the environment lit up with a signature: The anomalous system’s energy, charging a path of potential release.

This productivity indicates multiple states can exist simultaneously in the anomalous host, who’s already making money — thus of interest to us.

So we draw a game and assume a position to match the average internal neuronal states of our subject with repeated stimuli progressions from the environment. Ambiguous or not, we suggest changes to the pathway that overhauls their gradient.

Once freed from their encasings, no longer contained, they accelerate their surroundings, gravitating in range.

That’s the process — laws of organization and all that.

RM: Dangerous?

NV: Depends on the subject, the language, the lunch.

Systems evolve with their use of arbitrary measurement: Language and morals, metrics and units, nuances differ and form an in-between. The workload is cut when we meet halfway. But it’s much easier to induce the stress needed to drive them right out of range.

RM: It’s a delicate dance, that decoherence.

NV: That’s why our teams are in a constant state of flux. The worst thing we can do is be caught in definition. The quickest way to lose is to get yourself stuck.

Also, a lesser-known fact is that we don’t make money imposing new parameters. We want movement to be free, imprinted with our trust.

RM: And why is that?

NV: Because what good is a carrier that just runs into walls?

RM: Good point.

NV: And if they surmise all that, they might be a Bender. But it takes a special kind of folk to want to be our lunch.

“Wake Up”
— Madchild

RM: Just a few more questions for you. When you say “shapes,” to what are you referring?

NV: Desired outcomes. Shaping the future is the state that I’m targeting. I pack the potential and will it to be, in a bend-it-and-send-it release kind of way.

RM: Do you ever take preference in a subject’s perspective?

NV: I mostly just prefer that they work. But beyond that, the chemically altered are rather distinguished. They pop in on some spectra way out of their range. Others times they’re susceptible to multiple hues, but when offered an understanding of how to make work, their ambition is never a product that stays.

The Spirituals have potential, but their definitions are dangerous. They try to shape us into whatever their understanding may be. The offer new ways for the old ones to stay. That’s about as helpful as a carrier that’s running into walls.

It’s really a matter of scope and capacity: Who’s processing things using multiple shades.

RM: What about my Verse? Who do you pick for your team?

NV: We choose the kraken. OI’s ability to monitor the nooks and crannies is unparalleled to anything else in your realm.

Also, we’re big fans of Karl J. Friston.

RM: One more. In my reality, you’re neither here nor there. But what about others, why haven’t we found some?

NV: From the realm of probability, you’re surrounded in flux, sending relic signals in your language-of-the-day.

The behavior of your entropy radiates a signature. Organize your space in dimensions if you want to see it teem.

Free the kraken and he’ll do it for you.

CONVERSTATION: MUX PLATFORM

Anything — SZA
Book of Irving Oddcast, No.1
Another Day — Andrea von Kampen
Esoterica 11: (Dark Matters)
Dance Monkey — Tones and I

First Amend This! An IDOC Newsletter, May 2020

Previous: First Amend This!: An IDOC Newsletter (Special Corrector’s Edition)

Welcome to the May issue of First Amend This!: An IDOC Newsletter that addresses Idaho Corrections concerns.

Brought to you by The Captive Perspective and made available at bookofirving82431.com.

This publication provides an insider’s look at issues affecting the Idaho Department of Correction’s community. If you wish to assist this effort, share the link, cut and paste, or print and send a copy to another

Our Mission: To better develop our current state of Corrections

The Idaho Legislature shares our mission and welcomes your comments! Feel free to send them your thoughts, attached to a copy of this publication.

EDITOR’S NOTE

You may have noticed I’ve been experimenting with formats and special editions. The reason for this is because I can.

And though our state of Corrections is no laughing matter, sometimes presenting with a chuckle is the best way to acknowledge the sheer ridiculousness of how some folks comfortably market their maintaining-human-interest.

So in case you missed it, recently I Freaky Fridayed an issue and gave the powers that be their own Special Corrector’s Edition.

Before that I brought you the utterly factual and incredibly concerning “Special Alert: Coronavirus Emergency” issue.

If you missed either of those, they’re worth catching up on and sharing with a friend.

It’s important to note that the goal of this publication is not to be revolutionary. Too many out there do that already, and those of us involved in this posting really enjoy the privilege to fly.

It should also be known that the resources and knowledge it takes to consistently produce professionalism aren’t always accessible from the throes of Solitary Confinement. And since this publication has known no other life, well, that should explain quite a lot.

With an understanding that a disproportionate amount of our audience comes from overseas, other states, and with interests in Book of Irving projects sharing our site, the best I can hope for with FAT! is to fashion a historical record for my friend, Google, to fit up multiple asses, in the most entertaining way possible.

If everyone is cool with that, and I know that you are, then I’m happy to say on all our behalves, “Party on, Wayne,” “Party on, Garth,” and kick off another edition of First Amend This!

WHAT ARE THE NELSON MANDELA RULES?

After hearing them referenced as mandate on several occasions, we finally took a look for ourselves.

Now in our possession, we can tell you the Nelson Mandela Rules are the United Nations Rules for the Treatment of Prisoners, adopted December 17, 2015, as a General Assembly Resolution, and unfortunately, to this reviewer’s understanding, appear to have all the weight of a reasonable suggestion.

The 34-page document is comprised of 122 rules and four preliminary observations that describe their use. The preliminary observations are exactly as follows:

PRELIMINARY OBSERVATION 1

The following rules are not intended to describe in detail a model system of penal institutions. They seek only, on the basis of the general consensus of contemporary thought and the essential elements of the most adequate systems of today, to set out what is generally accepted as being good principles and practice in the treatment of prisoners and prison management.

PRELIMINARY OBSERVATION 2

1. In view of the great variety of legal, social, economic and geographical conditions in the world, it is evident that not all of the rules are capable of application in all places and at all times. They should, however, serve to stimulate a constant endeavor to overcome practical difficulties in the way of their application, in the knowledge that they represent, as whole, the minimum conditions which are accepted as suitable by the United Nations.

2. On the other hand, the rules cover a field in which thought is constantly developing. They are not intended to preclude experiment and practices, provided these are in harmony with the principles and seek to further purposes which derive from the text of the rules as a whole. It will always be justifiable for the central prison administration to authorize departures from the rules in this spirit.

PRELIMINARY OBSERVATION 3

1. Part I of the rules covers the general management of prisons, and is applicable to all categories of prisoners, criminal or civil, untried or convicted, including prisoners subject to “security measures” or corrective measures ordered by the judge.

2. Part II contains rules applicable only to the special categories dealt with in each section. Nevertheless, the rules under section A, applicable to prisoners under sentence, shall be equally applicable to categories of prisoners deadly with in sections B, C and D, provided they do not conflict with the rules governing those categories and are for their benefit.

PRELIMINARY OBSERVATION 4

1. The rules do not seek to regulate the management of institutions set aside for young persons such as juvenile detention facilities or correctional schools, but in general part I would be equally applicable in such institutions.

2. The category of young prisoners should include at least all young persons who come within the jurisdiction of juvenile courts. As a rule, such young persons should not be sentenced to imprisonment.

This reporter summarizes: The United Nations may or may not have smoked a joint and said, “You know what would be really cool?” and then wrote it down in tribute to Nelson Mandela.

However unproductive that may seem while undergoing correction in the USofA, this reporter can confirm that the mere suspicion a prisoner has somehow obtained real-world information, when organized with numerals and structural sense, is of itself a threat. It is in this fashion that others rumor certain benefits of this proclamation to be ascertainable.

And while this reporter has so far only witnessed one Skinhead citing the aforementioned ideology knowingly attributed to Mandella, he would never dissuade the rest from exercising their right to do so.

IMSI IMPROVES RESPONSE TIME FOR POLICY REQUESTS

Policy deliveries in at least part of the facility have seen noticeable improvements since March, when medical policy requests went unattended to for three weeks following multiple inquiries ahead of the ‘rona.

However inmates cycling through Restricted Housing are still reporting General Population officers citing policies and then withholding said policies upon offender requests to confirm their reference.

The policy number for Policy and SOP Management is 103.00.01.003

POSSIBLE SHAWSHANK ESCAPE AT GEO GROUP’S EAGLE PASS CORRECTIONAL FACILITY

IDOC spokesman, Jeff Ray, provided confirmation in a 4/20 Tommy Simmons article that a water main at EPCF had been damaged April 17, forcing the facility to lose water pressure.

The Eagle Pass Fire Department then suspiciously responded to the scene, under the guise of providing a 40-thousand gallon water tank — which would have been large enough for multiple inmates to hide in until Saturday evening, when the water was restored.

As everyone by now is familiar with the movie, it’s not unreasonable to suspect that someone got fed-up with helping Warden Waymon Barry cheat on his taxes.

Because FAT! has already highlighted Contract Monitors Monte Hansen and Tim Higgins’s readiness to fudge paperwork, along with that big boner Barry’s keen ability to refrain from truth-telling during Steve Darilek and the Texas Commission of Jail Standards’ official investigation of unrelated incidents, we question the authenticity of all inmate counts from the time the purported water main break occurred.

It is also assumed that April 18th’s sack lunches and hot dinners were provided as bribes to the inmates, along with the buckets of water they were given to flush their toilets, to keep Idaho news coverage from knowing the true potential for damage and uprising — the same way they did November ’18, when dozens of inmates were charged with minimal offenses after participating in riots, despite IDOC’s intent on modifying their Creating A Distrubance charges to a much more serious Group Disruption Level 2 Enhancement when they come home from Texas.

Having observed the 2018 situation firsthand, this reporter can only speculate that IDOC minimized the events on paper to prevent the official record from alerting the public to the deteriorating mental conditions of what were once Idaho’s best behaved medium-security inmates, prior to GEO Group housing them on the deadly Rio Grande, whose total body count remains unknown.

INTERPOLATION

We now consider it hereby acknowledged that those inmate charges were processed using the disciplinary procedure in the EPCF Inmate Handbook — up until their attempts to appeal, which were all denied citing an Idaho policy clearly not in play — making all charges invalid as the Inmate Handbook didn’t then and likely doesn’t still reflect the facility’s daily operations, to include the disciplinary policy EPCF is obligated to uphold, according to IDOC Agreement Number A18-002, section 5.5, which states all charges are to be processed in accordance with IDOC Policy 318.02.01.001 (Disciplinary Procedures). In addition to denying inmates involved in 2018’s group disruptions their disciplinary process under Texas and Idaho requirements, that GEO Group didn’t give them copies of their charges or impartial hearings violated their Federal Disciplinary Due Process Rights too.

If that isn’t enough, EPCF’s failure to include Policy 318 in the Inmate Handbook violated Texas Minimum Jail Standards § 283.1 and 283.2, as well.

When IDOC’s Jack Fraser was asked to respond to this miscarriage of justice, his message was simple: “[Honey badger don’t give a shit.]”

PAYING IT FORWARD

Shout out to the immigration holds at Karnes County Correctional Center. If ever I’m in your neighborhood again, don’t forget I shared this Irving Prime hack:

Need a few items from your local emporium but the rec moves and porters are all done for the day? Have your neighbors push their broom through the bars to your port’s button, wait for the intercom click and say, “Rodriguez, [and your door number].”

Good twice a day for at least six months, when you make it to the Ladies’ Wing, be sure to ask this: “¿Cuántas parejas sexuales tiene?”

When the bebé arrives masculino, nombre the hombre Patricio!

RUMOR CONTROL FROM THE DERECTOR

Hey all —

Contrary to what you’ve all heard, Karnes County Correctional Center and Eagle Pass Correctional Facility were both constructed on this side of the border. While logistically it is possible to move large deteriorating buildings in such a manner that they can be Frankensteined back together, that’s not at all what we did in Texas.

While we understand there are certain resemblances in our Texas facilities to those of their southern neighbors, i.e. the water, the help, the basic lack of civil liberties, it’s just completely unreasonable to suggest that we could move such obviously incompatible foreign structures across a border that Supreme Ruler Trump seems fit to guard so well.

So let’s all do our part and set the record straight. Okay, guys?

Aside from that, I’m so proud of you this month. Keep washing your hands and trying not to die!

— J Dizzle

“The Payback”
— James Brown

Next: First Amend This!: An IDOC Newsletter, Jun. 2020

Irving Now Serving: Hot 101s

[For anyone reading this letter, willing to send answers to these or other questions, please! Send them using my info below or on the “Contact” page.]

United Talent Agency
9336 Civic Center Dr.
Beverly Hills, CA 90210

4-26-20

Dear United Talent Agency:

I run an obscure little project that entertains with discourse. It’s common I write letters to lawmakers, media, influencers, assholes, and anyone else capable amplifying my and others’ muffled voice. This is what the majority of those letters contain:

It started with a battle in a private prison on the Mexican border. It was a battle for basic human decency. I had to create a medium to capture the experience, and have since developed it into a model of discourse. They now prefer me writing from Solitary Confinement. Bookofirving82431.com: The Captive Perspective.

Escape from your craziness through mine.

On this site are letters I’ve posted, poetry, shorts, and some fairly basic science of the dissident sort. There is also a publication that I’ve given a home, while usurping every position that sits on its board. The name of my baby is First Amend This!: An IDOC Newsletter, and it’s an unlikely source of overlooked potential.

As an endeavor in no way financial, I seek those interested in chuckling a change, and would like to dedicate a section of FAT! for interviews with people, funny and not.

The questions I want to ask will be written in advance and returned via JPay messaging or USPS. Here is a sample of what few might be:

1) Do you have a memory of a time growing up when you got busted doing something wrong?

2) If you were to estimate the amount of incarceration you owe for your shortcomings, what would that number look like?

3) You’re going to prison for three years. You only have room in your ass to smuggle one thing in. What would it be and why?

4) A small amount of brain damage will get you transferred to a lower-security facility, where they play movies throughout the day and have food at their visiting. You’re looking at Life, do you make it happen?

5) Knowing the Ninth Circuit will exchange your sex organs and subsequently order your transfer to their corresponding facility; on a scale of 27, how tempted would you be?

Please use as a reference the following issues:

1) First Amend This!: An IDOC Newsletter (Special Corrector’s Edition)

2) First Amend This!: An IDOC Newsletter (Special Alert: Coronavirus Emergency)
Interviews will either appear in similar editions or be placed appropriately within other content. Of course, I’m open to suggestion.

If you or someone you know may take an interest in this project, please let me know. Any reply would be grace.

Regards,
Patrick Irving 82431
IMSI
PO Box 51
Boise, ID 83707
Messaging via JPay

[Work of mine found off this site may have been transcribed by a Nigerian prince.]

Esoterica: Entry 11 (Dark Matters)

Up.
I’m looking.
For I’m not sure what.
Under the impression that’s from where it will come.
Because folklore says it comes from the sky.
And who am I to argue with that?

Did I notice it first?
Or offensively later?
It seems like everyone caters obnoxious in need.
Progressions in synch.
Was I missing them always?
They speak to the past like they know all of mine.

When did it start?
Only twice did I call them.
The day I seizured in the yard, looking at the sky.
I said right before I was done with this life.
Vessel for use, pissed-off at time.

Also I pushed my heartbeat through an antenna.
As radio static, beating away.
The Electric Heartbeat, I said, to no one in particular.
That’s when everything began to get strange.

The next signals were lost despite using cords.
I thought it was luck I still had my WiFi.
I had finished-up watching A Beautiful Mind, and said out loud to myself, “Oh fuck, that’s my life.”
The DVD player stopped working right then.
And there was nothing I could do to save the TV.

That was the reason for the miniature light show.
Just flipping perspectives, the thought crossed my mind.
My laptop the stage, I used its one camera.
Created a rhythm of music, smoke and lights.
Damn, kid, l wanna come to your studio.
I don’t know why they’d want to, with my broken TV.

I fuckin’ love this kid!
Someone’s got jokes.
Commandeered my computer.
Shared the cam among friends.

That day I was chillin’ in my Batman pajamas.
The onesie with the cape and the mask, that Dad bought me for Christmas.
That I drove around in that morning, with a sack full of oranges and advice for the kids.
In it I fashioned my computers with wires as an atomic device.
Then I rolled a joint in handcuffs, smiled for the camera, and smoked it while defusing the quantum-computing nuke.

Would I have done it without spectators watching?
Another lever pulled, it’s kind of what I do.
A perfect allegory. The flag that razed the base.
I never should have called Encryption Dave, NSA.

Still, the TV.
Very not cool.
It’s tied to a chair outside, for the computer to watch.
Interesting dialogue, ice pick and vice.

Choice.

Insane.

Already in motion.

Not long after that it all started to be.

Those are my thoughts.
How can you hear them?
And who are you anyway?
How can you see?
If you don’t leave me alone, I promise I’ll find you.
You can only hide for so long, who watches so well.

You’ll never find me, kid, they always would say.
If I were you I would run.
Off and away.

But I wasn’t fast enough.
From what probably was me.
And things that were real I swore not to explain.
Yet if you’ve ever watched Batman disarm a quantum-computing nuke while smoking a handcuff joint to wish you a nice day, he wants you to know he still thinks of you often.
And you owe him a TV.

Goddamn will you pay.

“Avalanche”
–B.O.B

4-25-20 05:08

Thank You For The Books

4-23-20 14:30

Hey Stranger,

There is a common agreement among the Patricks that Patrick-With-The-Feelings refrain from all posts. But you, a friendly stranger, have well-wished us with books. So we feel it’s okay to log an emotional response.

In switching perspective from third-persons, I should note that this post may appear before Esoterica: Entry 10 (F-ckin Science, Bro), as that was confiscated for review by the powers-that-be. If you take a moment and read that too, you may have some thoughts regarding timing and grace.

While I’m not going to share the four titles that arrived today, my feelers are aware that the thought powering each choice was very considerate — at least one of the authors and all of the summaries know me very well.

And though I have no indication of who saw them delivered, I’d like to assume that you’ll see this post and continue watching your actions influence my work. (Though if at anytime you wish to drop a line, I could probably muster up some really good behavior too.)

I hope that’s the best way to thank you.

Truly,
Patrick

Esoterica: Entry 10 (F-ckin’ Science, Bro)

I’m having drug cravings. In my prison cell. And I can’t find a pamphlet.

There’s a call button I could push. But if I did, they would come to my cell and say, “That button’s only for emergencies.”

To which I’d say, “I could die from my addiction, you know? Because it’s been some years and, while my tolerance is down, my ambition has never been higher.

“Furthermore,” I’d continue, not wanting to waste the opportunity for some human interaction, “as my prison cell here in Solitary Confinement might suggest, it’s possible at times that I can be dangerous. No more so than your Department’s best thinkers, of course. Nevertheless, imagining myself walk out the prison doors right now to a handful of medication and running sneakers, well, I don’t know — it seems like things could get serious. Is there a page in your button’s manual to deal with that sometime in the next ten years?”

Having now expressed it outward, I find the craving itself is fleeting. Whether a remnant of past or another layer shed, it should be noted that the opportunity to further strip down my deficiency and replace it with positive reinforcement has successfully escaped along with it.

If the goal of Solitary Confinement is to amplify polar behaviors or socio-dissidence, you should take comfort in knowing I’m maintaining a schedule.

Though my personal shifts no longer cater to mania, there’s a predictable cycle turning each day. Most of which revolves around mail call or leads into the one hour of phone time I get every week.

An awkward electrochemical exchange always happens at mail call, when my serotonin and dopamine queue a celebration. Because at the same time they do, my adrenaline is preparing for the stress of fight or flight. The latter rush, Pavlovian, comes from anticipating the return of my institutional queries:

As the majority of my cooperative efforts to achieve homeostasis are systematically repealed, I feel my synaptic pathways processing alternate routes of signal expression — as if they’re running reality models into the future to test the boundaries and outcomes of resource manipulation in a manner that benefits me independently, while simultaneously seeking eco-equilibrium in whole. ( It should be noted of the scenarios modeled that their benefit potential is subjective.)

This leads in to some interesting thoughts on how the calculus of gene expression may correlate with neuro-plasticity, and whether a language exists among ecosystems that parallels communication on the conscious exchange.

But I don’t have a library. And Ellen is on. So — whatever, I guess…

4-22-20 14:45

First Amend This!: An IDOC Newsletter (Special Corrector’s Edition)

Previous: First Amend This!: An IDOC Newsletter Coronavirus Alert 4.5.20

Welcome to the Special Corrector’s edition of First Amend This!: An IDOC Newsletter, where we instruct DOCs around the world — the good old Idaho way.

Brought to you by The Captive Perspective and presented in alliance with bookofirving82431.com.

A MESSAGE FROM THE DERECTOR

Hi all,

A lot of you are wondering, how do we do it? What’s the secret to getting away with all that we’ve done? In response to your fan mail, and I do get a lot, I figured I’d hijack our favorite sage’s platform and do a little oracling of my own.

But because I don’t have much time to cook something up (read: I bought a new jet ski for those sick corona waves), I’m just gonna serve you all a little taste of how-we-do.

While everything here will accommodate the personal agenda, I can’t stress this enough: The people you’re responsible for have all offended against one or more members of the community. That makes it okay for you to offend against thousands of theirs with every negligent step that you take.

So without further ado — our IDOC How-To Special.

Catch you on the flip!

— J Dizzle

HOW TO CHANGE CONDITIONS OF CONFINEMENT WITH A DRY-ERASE BOARD

IDOC’s disciplinary policy was said to have changed in 2018, to limit offender effects in our much-touted “segregation experience,” but policy text is the only thing different. Take it from our inmates at the Idaho Maximum Security Institution:

“After doing the maximum fifteen days in the hole, the only thing that changed was my status on a dry-erase board,” says an inmate who recently circulated through one of IMSI’s segregation units. By sanctioning offenders with extended restrictions on property, commissary and phone during disciplinary, “[t]hey get around saying our deprivation is limited. I didn’t get more rec time, I didn’t get any dayroom — literally nothing changed in my daily life, nothing changed in my cell.”

Sure, we installed day room cages in February “to provide offenders more out-of-cell time.” But guess what? — just ’cause they’re there doesn’t mean they need used. Mostly they serve to point at on tours, like the handcuffs we leave hanging from unused desks all year round.

WORRIED ABOUT PAPER TRAILS? TRY THIS TIP

Once a year, release a memo like Warden Yordy did in our January edition. By “saying” more rec time will soon be offered to all, you can continue limiting your offenders to only one hour per day. (A total of 23 hours cell-time, daily, should be what you strive for to keep them all nuts.) The same memo can be pointed to anytime someone asks about programs being “rolled-out.”

DON’T waste paper with separate memos.

DO check boxes suggesting ALL Ad-Seg offenders actively program.

HOW TO RUIN A PERFECTLY GOOD BALLFIELD

Tired of watching offenders run laps and play ball? Try splitting the ballfield into four fenced sections, under the guise of offering inmates four-times the rec.

Make sure to section them all off unevenly — it’s even okay to make one quarter a dog run! Whatever you do, don’t complete the fence. That way, eight months later, while continuing to tell them they’ll get more time outside, you can continue to limit their sunshine while robbing 3/4 of their faculties.

We recommend the IMSI model: Be sure to cordon off the phones so no one can use them. Same with the bathrooms — who needs those anyways? You’ll have to leave those scoundrels a pull-up bar, and maybe a wall to bounce a ball off of, but the goal is to keep the violence-prone crammed together without the privilege of motion — this makes it easier for diabetes to catch all of them at once.

A few years in and they’ll start picking-off each other. That’s what we call a soup-in-the-box!

HOW TO CHARGE OFFENDERS DOUBLE AND TRIPLE WHEN DEPLOYING OLEORESIN CAPSICUM

If it’s not enough to spray the shit out of those bastards, make their pocketbook suffer too! Reuse your Sabre Red MK9 Foggers several times each, while charging each offender $41.99 a pop.

In situations where the spray isn’t needed, but you can’t resist a little letting-them-know, give ’em a kiss, replace the pin, and let your use-of-force/disciplinary report reflect the whole canister spent. When given a receipt for the bill — redacted, of course — they’ll have no way to prove that we’ve made it a game! (Redacting cannister orders is essential to insure no audit is capable of comparing the number of canisters ordered to the numbers that were used or remain.)

And even if they prove it, it’s important to note: None of those cocksuckers are capable of being loved as much as Daddy’s new boat.

That’s what makes it okay!

HOW TO RESPOND TO OFFENDERS WHO WISH TO HOLD YOU ACCOUNTABLE

Here’s a real life example from the best in the biz, Tim Higgins. After denying several dozen inmates their Federal Disciplinary Due Process Procedures at an IDOC contract facility in Eagle Pass, Texas, he was able skate past the fact by pretending he knew where he was and what he does for work.

When intercepting communications addressed to his boss, Pat Donaldson (6-8-19), Timmy crossed out Pat’s name and then wrote in his own before sending contradictory answers back to the pesky offender who was asking him questions.

Here’s the master in action:

Offender: Please describe your understanding of IDOC Agreement Number A18-002, section 5.5

Higgins: Our understanding of Section 5.5 is what is written in the contract.

The level of comfort he operates with while attaching this page from the contract…

“The Contractor shall resolve all disciplinary infractions, from minor to serious, in accordance with IDOC SOP 318.02.01.001 (Disciplinary Procedures: Inmate…Once all appeal processes are exhausted at the Facility, Inmates may submit an appeal to the IDOC Contract Monitor or designee.”

…despite Jack Fraser’s complete contradiction in an 8-27-2019 memo…

“You, along with several inmates, were charged with disciplinary infractions under the Texas Commission on Jail Standards [not IDOC policy 318].”

… is the work of a real craftsman.

But that’s not all, folks — after investigating himself for using the classification system to retaliate on an inmate, he gave us another beauty.

Inmate: Are you aware [Policy 316] does [actually] allow classification resulting from disciplinary to be grieved?

Higgins [managed to cram this addition above an already-long rant, post script]: It should be noted that this was not signed by you so it should be rejected, we will answer it anyway…

The rest of what was said, we don’t even know. Ol’ Timmy has a habit of making no sense.

Holy smokes, we’re having so much fun we’re gonna do one more for free. It’s another classic intercept, addressed to Monte Hansen (6-8-19). In breaking form, Timmy opts not to cross Monte’s name out before signing off as himself.

Inmate: Did you report my retaliation grievance to [Special Investigations Unit] before you answered it? Grievance II 190000285.

Higgins: What our staff discuss to our investigators is not something we will disclose to our inmate population.

For those of you paying attention, if ever caught up in the investigative cross hairs of your underlings, be sure to discuss “to” them, not “with” them.

Full disclosure: He didn’t report himself as required by Administrative Investigations policy 150.01.01.006.

It’s rumored he later said this about the situation: “…And if it hadn’t been for those pesky investigators answering the same question with a modicum of integrity, I would’ve gotten away with it, too!”

Fortunately for Timmy, no one really cared. Because, well — fuck inmates, right?

Join us for shittin’ on ’em next time, when we learn how to structure more paragraphs together for another Special Corrector’s edition of First Amend This!

“The Building”
–Looptroop Rockers

Next: First Amend This An IDOC Newsletter May 2020