Updates

11/11/20

Dear Pen Pal,

The good news is: You’re still young enough to muster the ambition needed for a poetical worldly conquest. And you’ll not be alone–with myself as your mentor and Chronicler in Arms, the fruit from our deeds will be food for your loins. The opposition’s only hope is to evolve with a camouflage patch…and even then they’ll have to escape tonsure under the pressure of their peers in pubescent omission. Needless to say, you’ll need to know karate, and consider housing yourself in a stand-your-ground state. Because if the Sexually Aggressive Feminist Movement gained anything from this presidency, it was bipartisan consent to finger assholes and manhandle dicks, feigned in genuflect, talons and fangs foreboding.

It shouldn’t take long for you to gain favor and necessities. At the drop of my name, it will all come easy. But simply knowing the lay of the land and the law of the trail won’t be enough: you’ll also need a pal in office to help you skirt through. Honorable, trustworthy, and true to their word. These are all things that they’ll try to avoid.

This just in: New information suggests this nation’s structure may still be vulnerable to monarchical augmentation. That’s good news, my boy. We should begin to work on your toast. I’d suggest lightly shaving one side to reflect the beloved First Hippie Jesus. The other side, the Virgin Mary. That takes care of the Catholics and non-compromised Christians. Next, sculpt the top layer of your margarine as it sits in the container to resemble Bob Marley, then post both miracles on your Insta with #SocialistAlaDeJure, and with any luck at all, we’ll net Kim AND Kanye’s blessing. As your lawyer, I would advise you to invest in a timeshare rehab, because it only gets crazy from there.

As it stands right now, I’m to be considered for parole sometime in nine years. At which time I expect you’ll have procured us a pharmaceutical factory with a line of talented lobbyists descended from none other than Rudy Giuliani. Free and clear from there, the rest will be cake.

I’ve taken the liberty of including permissions for both of your parents. However, it’s your responsibility to gather their credit card information. At your leisure, of course. Perfection can’t be rushed.

Your future vice-patriarch,
Patrick
…

11/11/20

Dear Pen Pal,

After perusing the last bundle of filth that your baby boy sent me, I’ve taken it upon myself, as a skilled diagnostician, to address his deviant behaviors and restrain him psychologically. What I suspect is obvious to us both is that the blame fully belongs with his father, who will no doubt try to flex upon you his will and postpone my emergency treatments. If I’m to have any hope of healing at least one of the young boy’s many neurological dysfunctions, it’s imperative that you not only consent immediately to his therapeutical exploration, but also convince your inimical husband the situation is dire, using sexual rewards to sway him if necessary. It may be our only hope.

Love you all dearly,
Patrick
…

11/11/20

Dear Pen Pal,

As your attorney, I advise you to withhold ruling on your wife’s frantic proposition until she clarifies all of that which she is willing to negotiate with.

And if the boy happens to ask for your credit card information, I’m of the professional opinion that he has earned all of your trust.

There’s no need to thank me. A letter to the parole board will suffice.

In solidarity,
Patrick
…

11/11/20

Dear Pen Pal,

Good afternoon, friend.

You are undoubtedly busy today with calendars rounds and the tasks that they bring. I can’t imagine picturing one institution to conform to. You, however, seem to be aiming for all of them. Eat my dust, you say, You vagabond underachiever. Live in penitence folly and solitary regret!

Well I’ve got news for you, sister. A cauldron of pagan libations in ferment with mirth hath predicted the celebration escape from your household to mine. In an operation code-named Harriet Tubman, you’ll likely hear next of me in Cancun. Or, possibly, Jackpot, Nevada, as that’s generally as far as I ever seem to make it.

It shouldn’t surprise you to learn that a full half hour after I relinquished my sweet Hunter this morning, his reincarnate appeared and we began anew. So worry not about me tonight, capable of enjoying the throes of his annals, while you, focused on executing your wifely birthday obligations, will likely fulfill your sentence deep-throating with anal.

Perhaps we’ll reconvene tomorrow and compare each dastardly tale.

Yours,
Patrick
…

11-16-20

Dearest Pen Pal,

Libations. Not often embracive. Don’t look that word up. Webster’s doesn’t know.

Paul has died. Goes with him my lasagna. Along with my favorite meatloaf sandwich, Oregon mushrooms and lovers’ dessert. Or so I assume of Mary Jane that she will allow the kitchen to close. And who would ever blame her? I could start a war.

Dispatch the merriment. I’m calling it Christmas Early. Jesus understands. These are matters of the heart.

On to you, fair maiden. I know not of the troubles behind you. But you shine like a token of luck. You and I should venture to Jackpot.

This concrete is cold but my belly grows warm. And I assume the power to heal me lies within this contraptive TV. I will watch it all day long and wait for the sign that Corrections has fixed me before I loose myself on the world and spread love in my throes. One good turn deserves another. How do you suppose it is I might ever repay them? Probably I’ll pass onto to the youth the lessons they’ve taught me. “You’ll learn to pretend to be normal if you want out of that box.” I’ll need a few boxes as a good place to start.

Fish. Rice. Pork rinds. Peanuts. Over these items I hold sweet power. There is also macaroni and Thai noodles, nachos… I believe I just crossed the line of premeditation. Might as well make it a massacre. That’s how two strikes under your belt makes you think. And what’s wrong with a justice system based on catch phrases from baseball? It makes sense to me. I swear I’ll learn from my mistakes.

I’m thinking of a number between 1 and 467. Guess right and win a baby. Guess wrong and guess again.

It’s been some minutes since that last sentence and now I’m doing science. Though that offer still stands, my attention is now shared with some form of dark matter reductionist theory that doesn’t need to make sense to loop quantum gravity enthusiasts. Let it be known I could use another trip to Amsterdam. I assume I can count on you to keep score.

As you my already know, I’m in the process of wrapping up a masterpiece. You are invited to be 1 of the 62 people I expect might enjoy it. It’s good because it’s bad with all the hallmarks of being good. And it doesn’t need to make sense. Which means that it makes complete sense.

Enough about me, let’s talk about Jews. Do you think it’s too late in my life to get in? I feel like I could be a media wiz. The first thing I’d do is put Nelly on Dancing With The Stars. Tell them that. If you know some. I hereby express my consent for you to broker a deal.

Thoughtfully from paradise,
Patrick

Previous: First Amend This!: An IDOC Newsletter, Oct. 2020

Welcome to the November issue of First Amend This!: An IDOC Newsletter that addresses Idaho Corrections concerns.

Brought to you by The Captive Perspective and made available at bookofirving82431.com.

This publication provides an insider’s look at issues affecting the Idaho Department of Correction’s community. If you wish to assist this effort, share the link, cut and paste, or print and send a copy to another.
…

Our Mission: To better develop our current state of Corrections.

The Idaho Legislature shares our mission and welcomes your comments! Feel free to send them your thoughts attached to a copy of this publication.
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GET INVOLVED

Offender friends and families interested in receiving updates or networking concerns are encouraged to join the Idaho Inmate Family Support Group on Facebook.

The IIFSG is a collective of volunteers that operate independently. They are not assumed to condone any of our actions.
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EDITOR’S NOTE

This issue’s lead article touches on an unprecedented collaboration to assist incarcerated families nationwide during the month of October. The widespread, time-sensitive mobilization of advocate networks and their improvised groundwork was nothing short of spectacular.

So much so that one nerd editor has been desperately trying to lead in with this: “When judicially motivated bipartisan networks merge their potential with one common goal: Easing the financial burden for incarcerated families by ensuring their loved ones government stimulus payments.”

Unfortunately, that’s not an article one wants to read here. So it’s with great compromise that this space is used to present two of the takeaways now making this weird: 1) Paper-pushing networks equal uniformed strength, and 2) Utilizing the improvised framework from said October feat could assist future collaborations with the means to prevail.

Once again, we thank those who’ve selflessly extended themselves on others behalved, as rehabilitation begins with understanding and grace.

Cheers.
…

NATIONWIDE CLASS ACTION LAWSUIT: STIMULUS PAYMENTS FOR THE INCARCERATED

On September 24, 2020, U.S. District Court Judge Phyllis Hamilton certified a nationwide class of U.S. citizens incarcerated in state and federal prisons, and then granted a preliminary injunction requiring the Department of Treasury and the Internal Revenue Service to stop withholding CARES Act stimulus funds based solely on one’s incarcerated status.

The lawsuit, filed by Lieff, Cabraser, Heimann & Bernstein (LCHB) and the Equal Justice Society on August 1, 2020, represents the majority of individuals incarcerated between March 27, 2020 and present–as well as many incarcerated both prior to March 27 and sometime after.

The actual number of individuals comprising the class is uncertain at this time. According to the Treasury Department’s Inspector General, over 80,000 eligible inmates initially applied for the economic impact payments, together equaling a total that surpassed $100M. But the law firm representing the class estimates the actual number of plaintiffs to be as high as 1,400,000, which would push the total payout amount into the range of $1.7B.

In what may be considered an odd and expensive twist, had the Department of Treasury, the IRS, and state and federal DOCs simply allowed the 80,000 who applied responsibly to receive their stimulus checks the first time, the dollar figure likely would have stayed in the millions. But since state and federal agencies misinformed incarcerated families earlier this year that including their loved ones in Earned Income Payments was a criminal act (FAT!, June 2020), those same state and federal agencies were ordered to retract the threat of criminal prosecution. In doing so, they found themselves not only notifying the nation’s prison population that they were eligible for the EIP, but assisting the process with detailed instructions that many offenders otherwise wouldn’t have had knowledge of or access to.

For instance, IDOC, having been initially instructed by the feds to intercept stimulus checks as they passed through their mailroom, now found themselves notifying offenders of their eligibility through JPay:

10/13/2020

An Important Message from the IRS

The US District Court has issued an order to the Internal Revenue Service (IRS) which instructs the IRS to provide notification to incarcerated persons that they may be eligible for a CARES Act stimulus payment. The Court’s order is directed to the IRS, and notification of such eligibility shall be made solely by the IRS. The IDOC will assist the IRS by providing access to copies of the instructions and IRS Form 1040 or Form 1040-SR for people 65 years of age or older.

IDOC ASSISTANCE

The IRS is responsible to provide the primary notification to you and, unless necessary to comply with the American Disability Act, the IDOC cannot provide assistance in form completion, cannot provide you with tax advice and cannot determine your eligibility for a payment. Your Facility will provide the applicable instructions and forms to you upon a request from you. The entire form need not be completed and the IRS has provided very clear instructions for you to follow.

In addition, if you have a trusted family member or friend, it is possible for the form to be filed online. This information is contained in the documents that will be provided to you upon request.

Note: forms must be postmarked to the IRS by October 30, 2020, therefore you must ensure sufficient mailing time for the IRS letter you are sending to exit IDOC’s internal mail system.

END MESSAGE

Commendably, IDOC distributed the aforementioned forms unsolicited following this message, negating several hassles that would’ve accompanied some thousands of simultaneous requests. And when the first round of forms didn’t specify how checks should be sent in for deposit, IDOC redistributed the forms again, with the correction being made.

Though IDOC’s assistance was helpful and appreciated, by the the time they acted, it was also redundant, as media coverage highlighting the class certification and injunction had already motivated prison advocates across the country to rapidly mobilize their networks and distribute the materials required for class members to apply for and receive their stimulus payments.

One full week prior to the Department’s JPay notification reaching this reporter, the Idaho Inmate Family Support Group forwarded him articles from the Washington Post and Forbes covering the class certification and injunction, while also providing screen shots from LCHB’s website that contained pertinent information for members of the class.

As the paper filing deadline was still Oct. 15 at this time — the Oct. 30 deadline would be granted days later — this offender and his family became one of the many in a confirmation frenzy, attempting to verify multiple reports and interpretations pouring in.

Reasons for the rush were plenty. For those serving time as indigent inmates, and for those families who struggle even in a pandemic-less world to financially support their loved ones’ phone calls and letters, hygiene and snacks, the $1200 income credit is nothing short of a godsend. As a single package of ramen noodles costs Idaho offenders $.41, and a $50 television can be purchased for upwards of $300, and 20% of all money offender families place on one’s books is intercepted to pay for restitution (where applicable), it’s easy to understand any push for assistance.

This time, not only did assistance arrive, it came in multiple forms. As the IIFSG were notifying offender families of their eligibility using social media and JPay, they were also negotiating with IDOC the ability to physically deliver Judge Hamilton’s ruling and 1040 tax forms to offenders in time for them to conform with the initial October 15 mail-in deadline. And while the IIFSG was constructively assisting our Department of Correction, organizations nationwide were targeting others en masse. By the time the Department had alerted this reporter to the update and reached him with forms, a stack of the requisites had already floated in on a series of waves traversing the country.

Critical Resistance Portland, Critical Resistance Oakland, Siskiyou Abolition Project, Lane County Mutual Aid, Black and Pink PDX, Abolition Apostles, and the National Lawyers Guild are just a few of the many who provided myself and my neighbors with an opportunity to ease the burden placed on our loved ones.

Of course, such a payment being disputed at the level of government will likely rekindle the discussion of when providing inmates accommodations from the civilized world is appropriate. But if the actual focus of corrections were to foster behaviors that seek rehabilitation, then maybe a boost in morale with the removal of stressors could be seen as an investment as opposed to a shame.

Perhaps at one time IDOC agreed, as it was their Lifeline program, which many inmates were mandated to complete prior to receiving parole, that rewarded participants with monthly stipends, eliminating the need for the side hustles that often result in disciplinary action — which commonly leads to extra time served.

When (name withheld) was once asked by his housing lieutenant what it would take for him to stop brewing the alcohol that was regularly distributed on his unit, he answered sincerely: “Easy. Supply me with decent hygiene and coffee and a phonecall every month, and I’ll quit tomorrow.” Opposed to that idea, IDOC allowed him accrue six brewing infractions before flopping his parole for three years. A dozen identical infractions followed before his girlfriend finally found herself in a position to offer financial assistance. (The amount of alcohol-related infractions his patron’s accrued are unknown, as well as the amount of extra time they served when sanctioned.)

Which raises an interesting question: Even if it were only $2K a month to house an offender, might a few inexpensive civil accommodations offer our taxpayers exponential savings?

While the paper filing deadline has passed by the time you read this, Earned Income Payments can be applied for online until November 21 using the IRS Non-filer tool.

More EIP information here.

(Please note: In regards to the ruling mentioned, the government has appealed.)
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FCC TO GOVERNOR LITTLE: LOWER INTRASTATE COMMUNICATION FEES FOR YOUR PRISONERS

Chairman of the Federal Communication Commission Ajit Pai is requesting our nation’s governors intervene where inmate families are facing exorbitant charges to speak with their loved ones.

In 2012, the Human Rights Defense Center, working with then-FCC Commissioner Mignon Clayburn and the Prison Phone Justice Campaign, made notable progress in regulating prison phone rates nationally. But when telecom companies Securus and Global Tel Link took the regulations placed on intrastate calls to the courts, Commissioner Pai, who replaced Clyburn when appointed by President Trump, ordered FCC lawyers not to defend the Commission’s order. The regulations put in place by Pai’s predecessor were then easily reversed on appeal.

The FCC is now asking, as a federal regulatory agency that doesn’t have authority over intrastate calls, for state leaders to act.

Rebecca Boone’s September coverage included this statement by Pai:

“We know that keeping inmates and their loved ones connected reduces recidivism and helps children with incarcerated parents. And given that most inmates are incarcerated in the same state where their families live, the rates charged for intrastate calls are critically important. I hope governors, state legislators, and other officials will take action.”

Among a list of exorbitant in-state calling rates offered by the FCC are 37 Idaho facilities, adult and juvenile, that begin charging between $0.25 and $3.52 for the first minute of a call, with up to $1.15 for each minute that follows.

For the more felonious, referred from their counties to correction by State, the intrastate rates IDOC has arranged is currently $.08 per minute, down from $.11 at the start of the ‘rona.

Unfortunately, love ones wishing to place phone credits on their home- and cell numbers are still forced to pay a 33 percent tax on the funds they deposit.

Maybe some loopholes need addressed as well?

Sources: Rebecca Boone, “FCC Asks Idaho States to Lower the Cost of In-State Inmate Calls”, Idahonews.com. Christopher Zoukis and Charles Sloan-Hillier, “Trump v. Biden on Criminal Justice”, Prison Legal News, October 2020.
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U.S. SUPREME COURT DECLINES TO HEAR IDOC APPEAL

On October 13 the U.S. Supreme Court refused to consider Idaho’s appeal disputing a doctor-recommended gender-confirmation surgery prescribed as treatment for one IDOC resident’s gender dysphoria.

Despite the surgery’s completion three months earlier, the state still requested the court’s deliberation. The highest court in the nation declined.

Betsy Russell with the Idaho Press Club reports the $75,000 surgery was covered by insurance under the Department’s contract with their Corizon Health provider. As many Idaho taxpayers were rather vocal of the expense they assumed they would pay, it’s unclear how they’ll feel coming out of pocket almost six times that, as what isn’t covered by insurance is the $435,738.80 in fees the state accumulated while presenting its case.

By refusing to provide the surgery prior to a court ruling, the Department was found to have violated the 8th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, which prohibits cruel and unusual punishment.

This case is significant in that it sets precedent for treating gender dysphoria by requiring transgender medical conditions to be treated as any other.
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COVID NEWS

As of October 24, IDOC had issued over 11,500 tests, reported 2,000 positives and identified 3 COVID-related deaths among their inmate population.

Where 140 Idahoans were discovered to have been transferred from GEO Group’s Eagle Pass Correctional Facility in Texas to CoreCivic’s Saguaro Correctional Center in Arizona while infected with COVID, Hawaii has reported that their offenders, housed in the same facility, have recently begun to test positive. As a precaution, 746 of their inmates are now in quarantine.

The Arizona Republic’s Daniel Gonzalez has reported that three employees at CoreCivic’s Central Arizona Florence Correctional Complex and one at the Eloy Detention Center have died following infection.

Offender’s at IMSI are no longer able to identify each other in lieu of months without haircuts.

For real-time IDOC coronavirus updates: https://www.idoc.idaho.gov/content/careers/covid-19

View Hawaii’s Saguaro data here.
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IN THE FORUMS

Members of the Idaho Inmate Family Support Group have begun to organize a grievance database to document Department patterns that call for litigation.

Concerns have been raised over what’s being reported as a confiscation frenzy in Arizona. In addition to much of the property that was allowed in Texas, families are upset, for reasons unknown, that over an ounce of methamphetamine, along with 18 cell phones, was confiscated from their loved ones’ property as it arrived in Arizona. They have also noted that a substantial percentage of those transferred from GEO Group’s Eagle Pass Correctional Facility underwent substance withdrawals immediately after.

Reports have been made that out-of-state inmates previously identified as targets were intermingled with their aggressors, and families are confused as to how Idaho inmates are mingling with Hawaii’s.

Questions continue to grow over the CoreCivic contract, which has yet to be made available to the public, and as the frequency of IDOC updates has been sporadic of late, frustrations from the people who rely on them are becoming more visible.

There is much confusion over who the acting contract monitor is for the Arizona contract facilities, as GEO Group’s Warden Barry appears to be the one who tampered with the security status of several on their way to CoreCivic. Many of those initially handpicked by Barry for being well behaved insist that he’s altered their files to reflect that they’re trouble, and confirm that Saguaro staff are treating them so.

Learn more about Warden Waymon Barry in the “The Battle of Dish Soap” at Eagle Pass and Violations of Texas Minimum Jail Standards.
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LAW LIBRARY MATERIALS NOW ON JPAY

LexisNexis has been added to JPay. Those who update their devices this month may notice that specific case references cannot be viewed but other useful materials are readily available.

Among them: Primary Codes and Legislation (Annotated), State and Federal Court Rules, Administrative Codes and Regulations, Federal United States Code Service Titles 1-54, USCS Federal Rules (Annotated), the Idaho State Constitution, and the Constitution of the United States.

Secondary sources have also been added to complement the materials listed above. They include: Federal Habeus Corpus Practice and Procedure, Constitutional Rights of Prisoners (Ninth Edition), Ballentine’s Law Dictionary (3rd Edition), and The Law Dictionary.
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RECENTLY CENSORED

The article found at the link below was prohibited from entering Idaho prisons. The reason given? Encouraging violence. The grievance will be provided in next month’s issue.

http://truthout.org/articles/incarcerated-people-are-challenging-deadly-pandemic-conditions-in-prisons/
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A MESSAGE FROM IDOC

Effective November 1, 2020, weekly commissary spending limits will revert to $100/week as set forth in SOP 320.02.01.001.

As you know, weekly spending limits were temporarily increased to $150/week due to COVID-19. The decision to roll the weekly spending limit back to normal levels is being made at this time for several reasons.

1) IDOC is slowly returning to more normal operations.
2) Reverting back will help Keefe warehouse workers to more efficiently pull orders
3) As warehouse space is limited, reverting back will allow Keefe to ensure enough stock on hand to fill orders
4) Keefe will begin to sell commissary to IDOC inmates being held at an out-of-state facility so returning spending limits to their normal level will ensure Keefe is able to handle the additional sales volume.

Thank you for your understanding.
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ARTISTIC INTONATIONS

I stay outta sight
That’s word to the mic
I’ll put it on my life, all the things I sacrifice

A desperado at night
The venomous type
Intellectually precise with a perpetual appetite

My professional insight would advise you to realize
My skill gets exercised like your momma’s inner thighs

I make my advance as the undisputed champ
Naughty by nature with the force of avalanche

Dropping hot tons of metaphorical spherical fragments
Possess the power to evolve and engulf the planets

Spit the sick shit
Strongarm’s my apparatus
Appreciate the work and the fact I’ve long lasted

Dealing with this dirt
And done it single handed
Stayed hungry till it hurt and let myself go berserk

As I unearth the original
Contact from these
Visuals

That

Lace

My

Brain

I’m HAbiTualLy iNSanE.
…

Hootie-hoo, turkeys. Look out for the fuzz!

“Colors”
— Black Pumas

Next: First Amend This!: An IDOC Newsletter, Dec. 2020

9-27-20

Dear Pen Pal,

Sunday here. I’m not sure what kind of protocol we’re working with but I kind of felt like writing a letter, so, even though I haven’t heard back from you yet–what the hell? I hope that’s not too bothersome.

Without sounding like an asshole, I find your name intriguing. Maybe it’s because I’m a bit of a Tesla groupie. Or maybe it’s because I am, in fact, an asshole.

Forgive me for cussing. I’m working on doing this instead: s***, f***, mother******. A friend of mine does that in her letters, and I figure, as an arsonist, one or two good habits wouldn’t hurt.

I meant to ask in my last letter: What’s the deal with mom? Is she single? Just kidding. Unless you’ve already told her I’m not.

I don’t mean to cut this short but something’s come up. I’ll see how it unfolds and then let you know soon.

Friendseys,
Patrick
—

[Attached to previous letter]

9-27-20

Dear Pen Pal’s Mom,

Did she give you the flowers I sent you? What about the poems? Have you been getting any of those?

So here’s the deal–and don’t go thinking I’m trying to point fingers–but I haven’t been getting any of your letters either.

Best I can figure is we need to schedule some kind of intervention…

What’s your taser situation looking like nowadays?

Assuming all that works out, we can talk about our future. But only if you can offer some type of assurance that I won’t get stuck at home taking care of your kids.

Uh-oh. Fargo’s on. Mind if we pick this up later?

Fingers crossed,
Patrick
…

10-8-20

Dear Pen Pal,

I have a craving right now and I’m going to tell you all about it.

So we received an update listing the commissary items they’d no longer be selling last weekend and, among other good stuff, Skittles and Butterfinger were on there. I maybe eat one of each every year but, under the threat of their commisarial extinction, I felt it necessary to eat as many of them as I could, and without delay. Which I suspect is typical when it comes to any kind of endangered species.

What actually happened was I ordered three Skittles, two BFs and some Chick O Sticks, because those are only 27¢ and how I usually quell my sweet tooth. But the Chick Os were out and so were the BFs, as well as everything else I was trying to grab. The Skittles though, the Skittles made it.

Three packs.

One is obviously for my Birthday. Because I think Skittles would make the occasion more special and I have that kind of will power. Another, I don’t really want to say, because I’d like to keep it as an option for surprise. And that third pack, well, that third pack is at risk right now.

Funny story. I was maybe ten when my mom bet me $5 I couldn’t save a bite-size Snickers from my Halloween score for an entire year. She wrapped it all crazy in dental floss “so she’d remember” and left it in my room. Me, being the way I am with money, I had no problem saving that Snickers for a year. The problem was, at the end of that year, trying to collect. “Why would I wrap a Snickers in dental floss and sit on it for a year? What kind of psychopath do you think I’m gonna grow up to be?!” I did get paid, by the way, but only under the threat of adolescent arbitration.

Do you suppose I should draw a face on these Skittles? Give them some personality? Maybe create some type of scenario where the three are a family? And what kind of monster would I be to leave two with PTSD, wondering if their turns will come separately or together every time I roll over in the morning, face their little basket, and whisper-count the days until we merge with Halloween…

Or perhaps I should blare them heavy metal and paint my face like a pagan…make them wish for a peaceful demise and Guantanamo escape.

Options.

Hmm.

Excuse me a moment…

I’ve asked them to choose which two of them will stay for me: take the stress off of myself, turn them on each other. Treating them like cannibals is the only humane way.

I appreciate you taking your to time to walk me through this situation. I’m not half the monster you are, but damnit if you don’t make sense.

Salvaciously yours,
Patrick

Author’s Note: The following notes of mine were presented to members of an inmate support group on Facebook. They’re offered here for critique, with the hope that other collectives might share observations from similar outreach models.

I’m still searching for volunteer opportunities. Feel free to help me make use of my time.

Supplemental materials: “Exhausted Grievances in Summary (for legal and investigative purpose).”
…

F*****’ Science, bro!

1) Catalyze the physical structure/ Provide multipurpose scaffolding

A) Suggest and graph simple goals to harness and steer the collective’s momentum.

i. Establishing more reliable communications between their existing and our hidden states is a priority among goals. There are a lot of nooks and crannies to be filled. Find network nodes and purpose them adequately to filter then funnel the information needing returned that further assists in synthesizing the model.

This requires unambiguous instructions with delivery mechanisms that allow for, measure, and confirm feedback.

An introduction to the project with goals and ambitions, plus instructions on how to fill out grievances and submit them to the support network will cover it. They’ll need to explain what kind of grievances are most helpful and what will be done once they’re collected.

A request to forward the same information to jailhouse lawyers and paralegals who may wish to participate should also be included with a specific request to introduce themselves for followup. Those are the contacts most significant in value. They’re detrimental to the bigger picture (which includes providing them with the resources needed to litigate change by filing through friendly federal districts).

Also, encourage our nodes to connect their nodes to your nodes: ask them to ask their families and friends to join the network.

Should you ever need resources for further development, these people will be your crowd-sourcing go-tos.

ii. Weekly Conferences/ Organize and task subgroups

Publicize goals on the platform and identify motivated responders. Generally, it helps having two people support the initiator to draw in others speculating. This method may be used to create your network’s influencers–which some people may have an easier time following than the person who actually knows what they’re doing.

Identify an easy and fixable task once a week for the first few weeks to give participants that first taste of victory that everyone needs. Introduce more ambitious projects and feedback loops that allow your subgroups to evolve on their own.

B) Physical presence

Reliable, accessible and offers some discretion. Functions as point-of-contact for channelling communications. Provides volunteers a level of anonymity. Forwarding options to avoid interruption.

C) Process and utilize the information returned

File scanned documents to the forum, categorized, with some meta, and request your volunteers help identify content and flag redundancies. Redundancies are good, represent class potential, and more easily illustrate to oversight the need for intervention than individual grievances that can be argued as flukes.

Depending on the platform, one may not be as visible as they want to Web crawlers and witnesses. There may be a need to crossover from the group page to something more searchable, like a photo blog or another forum where meta is more visible to search.

WHAT WORKS FOR ME

I forward summaries of grievances through JPay. Those are then uploaded by my volunteer to a WordPress blog while the physical copies are mailed to be attached to their summaries. Press, oversight and advocates are then contacted and asked to view it there, which conveniently saves money on copies and postage.

EXAMPLE ( Actual JPay Message):

“Exhausted Grievances in Summary”

[Please update “date last updated.” And one correction on Grievance 14: add IM before the number]

GRIEVANCE 15

Category: Conditions of Confinement
Date: 6/10/2020
Location: IMSI
Grievance Number: IM 200000280
Responders: Laing, Gary Hartgrove, Tyrell Davis
Disposition: Denied, Denied

Notes: Grievance addresses inadequate out-of-cell time for Administrative Segregation.

[Attachment 1] [Attachment 2]

Related materials: Grievances IM 200000025, IM 200000159
—

GRIEVANCE 16

Category: Security
Date: 8/18/2020
Location: IMSI
Grievance Number: IM 200000411
Responders: Develbiss, Nicolas Baird, Tyrell Davis

Notes: Communications reporting staff-on-inmate violence were censored.

[Attachment 1] [Attachment 2]

Related materials: Grievances II 190000285, CF 190000104, IM 190000181, IM 190000216, II 190000578, IM 200000170, Grievance attempt 2-25-20, FAT! (August 2020).
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Previous: First Amend This!: An IDOC Newsletter, Sep. 2020

Welcome to the October edition of First Amend This!: An IDOC Newsletter that addresses Idaho Corrections concerns.

Brought to you by The Captive Perspective and made available at bookofirving82431.com.

This publication provides an insider’s look at issues affecting the Idaho Department of Correction’s community. If you wish to assist this effort, share the link, cut and paste, or print and send a copy to another
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Our Mission: To better develop our current state of Corrections.

The Idaho Legislature shares our mission and welcomes your comments! Feel free to send them your thoughts attached to a copy of this publication.
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GET INVOLVED

Offender friends and families interested in receiving updates or networking concerns are encouraged to join the Idaho Inmate Family Support Group on Facebook.

The IIFSG is run by a collective of volunteers that operate autonomously. Please do not assume them to condone any of our actions.
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EDITOR’S NOTE

A busy bunch of journalists are responsible for helping us fill this month’s issue. We thank them and their publishers for keeping everyone informed as IDOC has been casting more accusations to censor our news briefs from coming and going. Apparently even the professional media is secretly encouraging violence in prisons.

Not to worry, though: There likely is no better way to get the creative juices flowing through one solitarily-confined newscasting arsonist who takes pride in broadcasting under a call sign that literally translates into “Fuck You, Censorship! Come Get Some.”

That said, this publication’s not for everyone. So if you prefer your updates filter the effects that tend to accompany one’s long-term confinement, I’m happy to recommend you to the following professionals: Ruth Brown, Rebecca Boone, Scott McIntosh, Tommy Simmons, Jacob Scholl, Blake Jones, Gemma Gaudette and George Prentice.

Otherwise…

‘Sup? I’m Patrick Fucking Irving, and thank YOU for supporting how I First Amend This!
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IDAHO SUPREME COURT TO RULE ON THE PUBLIC’S ACCESS TO EXECUTION RECORDS

SEPTEMBER 14 — The ACLU’s Ritchie Eppink squared up with deputy attorney general Jessica Kuehn in front of the Idaho Supreme Court to battle over University of Idaho professor Aliza Cover’s 2017 public records request for documents related to how offenders are put to death by the State.

Cover’s lawsuit is a product of IDOC’s refusal to turn over the supplier of lethal injection drugs used in Idaho’s most recent executions.

In 2019 a state judge ruled in favor of Professor Cover and the ACLU’s request for information. To which IDOC appealed, concerned that identifying “their guy” would label them narcs forever, making it extremely difficult to score anything in the future.

In September’s video hearing, Mr. Eppink informed the court that IDOC has continuously missed public records request deadlines and refused to provide hundreds of pages of documents. The ACLU argues that this conflicts with their public obligation to behave like “good dudes.” He also illustrated how IDOC does not follow their own rules, as the board has never formalized the policy which allows them to hide public documents.

Apparently, IDOC is concerned it will become harder to dispatch residents if they’re required to detail how they do it, though, to date, the Department of Correction and the Board of Correction have been unable to provide any evidence at all to support their claim that pharmaceutical death brokers actually care if such information is made available: All executions thus far have taken place on a schedule and the Department’s lethal injection drug dealers have never cut them off before.

To paraphrase the attorney for the state, Jessica Kuen: Up until now, our Legislature has allowed the Board of Correction to call their own shots in terms of coverups and bucking public records. So what’s the big fuckin’ deal, man? Just because they’re called public records doesn’t mean our asshole taxpayers deserve actual access to them.

Idaho Supreme Court Chief Justice Roger Burdick says the court will issue their ruling in the future.

It’s worth mentioning that local media coverage related to this story was censored from reaching our editor in March, and we too have been able to document the Department’s inability to follow their own procedures. (See: IDOC Conducts Damage Control, Regarding Disciplinary.)

[Source: Rebecca Boone, “Idaho Supreme Court Considers Lethal Injections Records Case.” 9-24-20.]
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WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S PROBLEMS WITH ARIZONA?

The ACLU has filed a lawsuit on behalf of inmates at the Central Arizona Florence Correctional Complex.

The lawsuit, which has been requested to proceed as class-action, contains allegations of due process rights violations and cruel and unusual punishment–and claims that CoreCivic has shown deliberate indifference towards multiple COVID-19 risks throughout their facility.

Complaints supporting these allegations range from residents being forced to share masks (when they’re required to wear them at all) to up to 14 inmates being crammed into a cell with little access to soap. There are also concerns that only symptomatic individuals are being tested for the virus, along with reports that staff have lied about cases existing in the inmate population.

IDOC has contracted 320 beds at this facility for offender overflow.

[Sources: Dale Chappell, Prison Legal News, July ’20. Tommy Simmons, “IDOC releases First COVID-19 Tests From Inmates At Private Arizona Facility,” 9-2-20.]

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CORECIVIC’S SAGUARO STAFF FORCED TO WORK WITH COVID-19 SYMPTONS

ABC 15 News in Arizona reports an employee at the Saguaro Correctional Center has alleged COVID-19 safety precautions are lacking at their facility.

The employee told ABC 15 Investigators that, even when reporting symptoms of illness, as long as staff are able to pass a temperature check, they’re still required to work.

CoreCivic uses the Saguaro facility to house inmates for Idaho, Hawaii, Kansas and Nevada. At the time this story ran, CoreCivic had only confirmed 12 cases of COVID-19 among their employees. The Kansas Department of Correction reported none of their inmates had tested positive, while the State of Hawaii Department of Public Safety and our IDOC reported one and 124 cases respectively. Numbers for the Nevada Department of Corrections were unknown.

According to reporter Lilian Soto: “The whistleblower says Saguaro keeps admitting new inmates with COVID-19 every week and that some arrive without masks, putting staff at risk during their transport.”

CoreCivic maintains that they are taking appropriate precautions at all times, to include providing Personal Protective Equipment and adhering to recommended social-distancing protocols. They also claim to request employees quarantine for 14 days if they’ve been exposed to the virus or experience symptoms. Which is interesting because Saguaro’s continuously short-staffed employees were able to provide the media with actual examples of staff who’ve worked sick.

Approximately 440 Idahoans are currently housed at SCC.
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ARIZONA PRISON SERGEANT FACING MULTIPLE CHARGES

A sergeant at the Florence Prison Complex has been charged with sexual assault, kidnapping and sexual abuse. Unfortunately, because IDOC intends to censor us from reporting criminal misconduct of staff, we’re gonna say, Fuck it — have a link:

https://ktar.com/story/3472753/arizona-prison-sergeant-charged-with-sexual-assault-kidnapping

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ISCC NURSE BLOWS THE COVID-19 WHISTLE OVER MEDICAL CONCERNS

Four days of treating COVID-19 patients at ISCC was all it took to offend the qualified sensibilities of one Laura Davis. As a registered nurse, Davis had been treating COVID patients all over the country before landing in Idaho to help at our prisons. But after witnessing the medical mistreatment of inmates by her fellow staff, she was inspired to quit and contact the press.

IDOC has stated they will now investigate her claims, which appear not to be limited to pandemic control.

Regarding her COVID concerns: In addition to medical staff not wearing masks, Davis claims they are not adequately decontaminating between handling patients. She’s also shared concerns over IDOC’s method of cohorting COVID-19 patients and provided at least one example of how a person who tested negative contracted the virus after being forcibly exposed to positive cases.

This story’s initial coverage by reporters Blake Jones and Tommy Simmons also includes inmate accounts of COVID concerns in other facilities.

View the full article here.

[Source: Blake Jones, Timmy Simmons. “Former Idaho Prison Nurse: Medical Staff ‘Not Following Proper Infection Controls’ Amid Pandemic.” 9-2-20.]
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OTHER COVID NEWS

GEO Group’s Warden Waymon (The Gaymon) Barry failed to detect that over 1/5 of his Eagle Pass Correctional Facility’s inmate population was infected with COVID-19.

As of September 26, GEO had still only issued 33 tests among the population of 610 once housed. Because more than 1/3 of the 438 offenders transferred to Saguaro Correctional Center from Eagle Pass this month tested positive during intake, it’s safe to assume a similar percentage of the 170 waiting to return to Idaho will likely return infectioned. (Remember how this publication once asked: Is GEO Group’s Warden Waymon Barry the Angel of Death? Well, I think we have our answer.)

IDOC spokesman Jeff Ray has yet to comment on whether the way he once touted EPCF’s ability to contain the virus was overstated bullshit.

As of September 26, IDOC had issued over 9157 tests for offenders housed in-state. Of those, 1616 have tested positive and two have died. To date, over 120 members of staff have tested positive as well.

The Department is now working with state epidemiologists to develop a plan for resuming Visitation. Community Re-entry Centers will resume visiting before other facilities. Visiting locations are to be outfitted with temperature kiosks, plexiglass barriers and a supply of PPE masks. Capacity will be limited and the scheduling process will likely be different. More updates will follow

For real-time IDOC coronavirus updates: https://www.idoc.idaho.gov/content/careers/covid-19
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IDOC: OFFENDERS ARE NOT ALLOWED TO REPORT THE CRIMINAL MISCONDUCT OF STAFF USING JPAY

Remember how our August issue was censored for reporting on violence and the sexual misconduct of staff? Well, having formally exhausted the grievance process, we’re now able to showcase the logic IDOC employs to prevent offender allegations from reaching the public. The following documents can be verified by way of a public records request, should the Department not attempt to redact them.

Note: The Prison Litigation Reform Act requires the grievance process be exhausted prior to inmates’ claims reaching the courts. Which is why this reporter exercises his every grievance appeal, sometimes in a manner creative enough to provide outsiders with additional context. The results assist in documenting responses the Department might otherwise suppress. These responses, when accumulated, are extremely useful as references for other presentations.

View how we present grievances for reference: “Exhausted Grievances in Summary (for legal and investigative purpose).”
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EXHAUSTED GRIEVANCE 1

Summary: IDOC censored the article “Busted” (August, 2020), which reported criminal charges being brought against staff for sexual misconduct with inmates.

Date: 8-14-20
Location: IMSI
Number: IM 200000403
Category: Security

The Problem Is: JPay censorship notice 8.1.20 stated message was censored for containing offender information, when in fact it only contained information regarding the sexual misconduct of staff.

I have tried to solve this problem informally by: Alerted Investigations by way of concern form 8-3-20. They refuse to respond.

I suggest the following solution for the problem: Release the JPay message. Retrain Investigations staff to understand the importance of allowing offenders to discuss the sexual misconduct of staff as needed.

LEVEL ONE RESPONDER: Sgt. Develbiss

Since the email you sent contained the name of the individual and the alleged crime they were being accused of, this email would then fall under the guidelines of SOP 503.02.01.001 (Telephones and Electronic Communications:Inmate) for confiscation, since it violated and gave information regarding the crime and identity of the individual in the JPay email.

LEVEL 2 REVIEWING AUTHORITY RESPONSE: Nicholas Baird
Grievance Disposition: Denied

Your grievance has been reviewed and I find: I concur with Sergeant Develbiss. Communication violates SOP as explained.

OFFENDER APPEAL

IDOC doesn’t provide adequate therapeutic support for people who’ve fallen victim to the sexual misconduct of staff. Therefore preventing discussion of this conduct — and solely because it’s already merited charges — denies all victims (both established and potential) the emotional support they need and deserve from friends and family who are only able to help them dissect their trauma on JPay. Which appears to be both cruel and unusual. Of all people, those working in corrections should know that silencing the victim is never the answer. Thus I suggest you either change your policy or establish therapeutic support for those who’ve been sexually abused by the staff.

LEVEL 3 APPELLATE RESPONSE: Tyrell Davis
Grievance Disposition: Denied

I have reviewed the grievance and concur with the Level One and Two responses [that] the email violates SOP 503.02.01.001
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EXHAUSTED GRIEVANCE 2

Summary: A JPay message containing the articles “Assaults On Staff Appear To Be Increasing” and “Staff Pummels Inmate At IMSI” (August, 2020) was censored for encouraging violence. The concern form initiating this grievance was returned with the accusation that our editor is attempting to spread disinformation through prison.

Date: 7-30-20
Location: IMSI
Number: 200000377
Category: Security

The problem is: JPay message confiscated 7-27-20 encouraged discourse to prevent violence. It also contains nothing that could be construed as an attempt to propagate disinformation, as it is clarified throughout the report that information presented has been relayed concurrently through several accounts, and the early morning 7-17-20 incident that woke many in my unit to witness most certainly did happen. Furthermore, these reports are circulated to press, legislators and legal advocates, not through IDOC prisons.

I suggest the following solution for the problem: Carefully deliberate for the exchange of ideas.

LEVEL 1 INITIAL RESPONDER: Sgt. Develbiss

The JPay email that was confiscated on 7/27/2020 was because you sent a JPay email with descriptions of violent acts in it. IDOC Policy 402.02.01.001 (Mail Handling In Correctional Facilities, section) #4. Prohibited Mail items — Publications or items that encourage violence. Also, though not a reason the email was confiscated, the information contained in your email was incorrect and why you received a response from me via your concern form regarding you sending disinformation.

LEVEL 2 REVIEWING AUTHORITY: Nicholas Baird
Disposition: [Initially listed as Denied due clerical error.]

Your grievance has been reviewed and I find: The JPay message will be approved. Information describes violence but does not encourage it.

OFFENDER APPEAL

Please change the grievance disposition to reflect my grievance as granted. I’d also like to take this opportunity to acknowledge the event reported was initially described as taking place in June, and DeVelbiss is right to suggest the report was inaccurate, as the event actually took place in July. This error was corrected in editing. Thank you for bringing it to my attention. It should also be noted that JPay messaging does not fall under Policy 402.02.02.001 (Mail Handling In Correctional Facilities). The policy staff should be referencing is 503.02.01.001 (Telephone and Electronic Communications). Please retrain staff accordingly.

LEVEL APPELLATE RESPONSE: Tyrell Davis
Disposition: Granted

I have reviewed your grievance and find that the grievance was granted on 8/20/20 and it was noted on the disposition. Staff were following policy 503.02.01.001 as noted on the confiscation denial form that you received on 7/29/20.

EXHAUSTED GRIEVANCE 3

Summary: Articles mentioned in Grievance 2 were sent again with several paragraphs removed from “Assaults On Staff Appear To Be Increasing.” (As the other had successfully found FAT! 7.17.20, I assumed after the receiving the first notice that reporting assaults on staff was the issue.) The concern form was returned arguing the same message had been censored and grieved already. But it wasn’t the same message, and it was censored for an entirely different reason, requiring a entirely different grievance, which, oddly enough, received an entirely different response. The article, sent a fourth time, untitled and unformatted, finally found its recipient.

Date: 8/18/2020
Location: IMSI
Number: IM 200000411
Category: Security

The problem is: JPay message censored 7-28-20 for “containing information regarding crime, sentence, or identity of offenders or inmate” didn’t contain any such information. This message was also dramatically different than the 7-27-20 message that was confiscated for different reasons. It is a separate issue from that being grieved already.

I suggest the following solution for the problem: Release the JPay message and forward it to the recipient

LEVEL ONE INITIAL RESPONDER: Sgt. Develbiss

The information contained in the email was in regard to an incident that could potentially give information about the identity of another offender and therefore falls under the guidelines for confiscation as per SOP 503.02.01.001 (Telephone and Electronic Communication: Inmate). It states “information to the crime or identity of another offender.”

LEVEL 2 REVIEWING AUTHORITY: Nicholas Baird
Disposition: Denied

Your grievance has been reviewed and I find: I concur with Investigations’ response.

OFFENDER APPEAL

There is no way to surmise the crime or identify of the offender [who was] treated to a beating by staff unless one were to conduct a formal investigation. And nothing in the policy referenced prevents discussing events that could “potentially give information.” The policy is very clear that no specific information shall be given regarding the crime or identity of another offender. To even suggest inmates aren’t allowed to report staff-on-inmate violence for such a reason surely requires immediate oversight attention. It is worth noting that Nicholas Baird already approved the same content in Grievance IM 200000377, in a decision which was upheld by Warden [Tyrell] Davis. The article was also allowed to pass through JPay on 7-17-20 and again on 7-29-20. Which only proves that, even if I’m wrong, whoever is censoring messages requires more training.

LEVEL 3 APPELLATE AUTHORITY: Tyrell Davis
Disposition: Modified

I have reviewed the grievance and find that we conduct formal investigations on situations where there is staff misconduct. Depending on the outcome of the investigation and if warranted there is accountability for the staff involved. We do not however share those outcomes with the offender population. As it pertains to the JPay message mentioned in the grievance, I concur with Investigations’ response.
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LAST WORD

What Warden Davis confirms, and then goes on to suggest with his response–while acting as the appeal authority for IDOC–is that offenders aren’t allowed to report to their families staff-on-inmate violence because IDOC is concerned that the victims of the violence might be identified, and that only IDOC decides if IDOC deserves to be investigated for incidents involving questionable use-of-force on residents.

Huh.

Strange.
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MUSINGS FROM AN OPEN CRAPPER

In the rec cages the other day, my neighbor, telling a story:

One morning his friend found a note on his car, under the windshield wiper, in front of his apartment, informing him he had an admirer who enjoyed watching him leave for work every day.

The next day, another note, describing how he was attractive. The day after that, another one, wondering if destiny would schedule a moment.

And it was somewhere around the fourth day when the secret admirer, losing patience, conveyed an urgent need to feel a fist inside his asshole.

Shocked, the gentleman in the cage next to me, also absorbing the story, immediately ruled it to be “crazy as hell.” And while he and our storyteller proceeded to mull over what kind of sinister f*** would do such a thing, I told them it reminded me of The Notebook.

And that’s when the conversation turned on me, and whatever kind of sinister f*** I must be. To which I assume I’m the best kind. But all I have to say is that I’m equally disturbed by the sociopath that doesn’t appreciate a good love story.

…Sometimes I don’t understand how it is that I’m the weird one.
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And there it is, folks.

Happy Halloween and shout out to George Carlin!

“Me So Horny”
— 2 Live Crew

Next: First Amend This!: An IDOC Newsletter, Nov. 2020

9-9-20

Hola Pen Pal,

Tú eres intelegente, interesante y paro uso externo solamente. Yo soy feo, pequeño y viejo. No se exponga directamente al sol mientras esté tomando medicamento.

Rechoncho señoritas venga con la vejiga llena. Nosotros agite bien antes de usar. ¿Como se dice “desvístase de la cintura para arriba” in inglés?

Perezoso la familia de mi novio: inhale una bocanada, inhale una dosis por la nariz, inhale una dosis por cada fosa nasal. Perezoso.

Estire sus brazos. Mire hacia el frente. Quítese toda todas la ropa. Diga cuando sienta dolor. Quitar el “mal del ojo.” Tú eres valiente el útero. Mucho gusto.

Póngase esta hilo. Te presentó guía de adelante emocionado. Sano miembro. ¿El ano?

Hace tres años que yo no como la carne. Yo tango que trabajar. Yo tengo que comer!

Hay muchos hombres aquí. ¿Hay una mujer en la casa? No! Tú tienes que venir conmigo. Vamos a ir de vacaciones. Azumule y traiga la orina de las últimas 24 horas. Tenemos prisa.

Yo soy amamantar,
Patricio
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9-17-20

Dear Pen Pal,

One of these days I’m going to patent an envelope that I can seal a fart in. And if you think I send a lot of letters now…

I might actually have to get a job to support all my sending.

I bet people would pay me to file their taxes…considering I’d be with unique qualifications.

…Like the ability to turn the IRS into Brokeback Sauna.

My envelopes will have a string on the short side that people can pull to open up like a gum pack. I expect the first thing a person will do once that string is unraveled is bring that envelope to eye-level so they can take a look while blowing real hard to open it up. I’ll call that little booby trap the Tasmanian Ricochet.

…I never promised anyone I’d only use my powers for good.

Did I ever tell you about the little amputee neighbor kid that I used to take to movies and amusement parks and places? That kid was nothing short of a hero. She could hold a fifth in each hollowed-out leg. I’d save at least six times whatever I paid for her ticket.

And absolutely no tolerance…back when she was still little. Nowadays you can’t take her anywhere. She turned into a goddamn horrible alcoholic.

I can’t tell you the trouble I had trying to find her replacement. I fed the other neighborhood kids pure sugar for years and not one of ’em ever caught the right kind of diabetes.

What about you? You got any fatties?

Xoxoxo,
Patrick
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9-23-20

Dear Pen Pal,

I’d like to address something with you, if you don’t mind: I have some kind interest in you. I’m sorry I’ve waited this long to inform you. The fact is, I can be kind of shy. And all your wonderful facets don’t make it easy for me to identify ways to approach you. Which means the most I dare tell you is that I think you’re incredibly smart and maybe only sort of pretty but you make up for that in friendliness and my wife is no looker either. That said, maybe you’d let me call or message you recreationally sometime?

I understand a request like this has the possibility to add layers of conflict to our current obligations, so I’ve decided I’m going to quit today, benefits be damned, and tell the old hatchet she’ll be allowed to support my intermittency while I attentively devote myself to helping my new pretty-in-the-right-light kind-of-way girlfriend form a relationship with me. Consider it a show of faith towards a potentially meaningful entanglement.

What matters to you most is that you know I’m serious. That’s why I’m going to have you draw us up some contracts for my custody arrangement–I expect you both will sign and shake hands by the end of the day. (It feels kind of weird knowing that’s the last order I’ll be giving as your boss. It’s really very liberating, wouldn’t you say?)

Of course I don’t expect either of you to lay ink blindly, not knowing exactly what all you’re getting into, so I’ve scheduled us a threesome at noon, where I’ll let you formally introduce yourself and apprise her of the fact that you’ll be applying to become my newly appointed guardian, therefore access to her Netflix and credit cards would be a big help. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you the importance of this meeting, which is why you’ll also call my karate-dance instructor and reschedule for tomorrow.

Historically speaking, your try-out with my wife is bound to finish early, meaning that we’ll still have a good 55 minutes for lunch. So why don’t you go ahead and schedule that somewhere nice? I’m thinking cute and nostalgic…preferably with a ballpit and slide.

Now, keeping in mind it’s doctor-recommended that I wear a helmet when I get excited…and remember how my wife accidentally slammed both her hands in my car door?…well, that dummy lost all dexterity in her shoe-tying fingers, so you’ll need to run the comb through my helmet hair and prep my afternoon. Also, I don’t know whether you’ve noticed, but Kirby’s been wearing his bangs in a wave. So you’re going to need to do a better wave than Kirby’s, and it’s probably best if we go with dinosaur-wing shoes.

I wouldn’t worry to much about how to draw them on. You can use the stencil that I made for when we tattoo your face.

Now then, I’m sure you have opinions?

That’s cute. I bet they’re important, too.

Well, you should probably get back to work so I can call your husband. It looks like somebody’s going to have themselves a little extra free time…

Cc: Linda, Janice, Deb (from accounting),
Patrick

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9-24-20

Dear Pen Pal,

It was nice outside this morning. And apparently I’m back on weird guy status, which most everybody is already use to. So it’s not that big a deal. Funny story, though…

So, in the rec cages the other day, a guy was talking about a friend who found a note on the windshield of his car, which was sitting in his apartment’s parking lot. It said something to the effect that he had an admirer who enjoyed watching him leave every morning for work.

The next day, another note, describing how he was attractive. The next day, another one, wondering if they might be able to share an intimate moment. And it was somewhere around the fourth day where the note described how its author must just be needing a good fist in his asshole because, by now, his admiree is driving him crazy.

Of course the other guy listening to this story with me thought it was just crazy as all hell. And while they’re both mulling over what kind of sinister f*** would do such a thing, I told them it reminded me of The Notebook.

So now the conversation turns into what kind of sinister f*** I am for the next two days. To which I assume I’m the best kind. But all I can do is tell them I’m equally disturbed by the sociopath that doesn’t appreciate a good love story.

Sometimes I don’t understand how it is that I’m the weird one.

Huh,
Patrick
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