12-25-20XX
Dearest Love,
Years ago, this festive missive would be different. Aggressive and explicit, testosterone-driven with angst. Talk of using a pillow to muffle the sounds, and too many metaphors suggesting how my dong doth make pound.
Instead, for you, a brand new position. Envisioned and driven by intricate beauty: the kind you posses that speaks of finesse, and, damnit, is it nine o’clock already?
Then I guess I better clap off the lights and dancewalk you to bed. Who am I kidding with this poetry shit, anyway?
Before we do this, I don’t need to know how many lovers you’ve had, but how many guys before me have you let under the sheets with a cheese tray?
Of course. A girl with your morals? I never suspected for a moment that I wasn’t the first. Nonetheless, I kind of make a habit out of using protection: Dustblaster 6000–it sucks up all the crumbs.
…Now then, where were we?
Aw, yeah… Girl, you’re lookin’ thirsty. So how about I pour you a glass from that newly-installed Brita? And maybe when I get back, I’ll give you a naughty surprise…
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Surprise!
Sometimes the best beef is cake!
Hey, easy. Maybe now’s a good time for you to open the drawer to your nightstand. I had a little feeling you might try and get dirty, which is why I stocked you up on moist towelettes–that the Olive Garden secretly wrapped for you on Date Night.
By the way, when I got in there, I noticed your batteries weren’t regulation. Don’t worry, I replaced them, and then I cleaned the gunk off the spark plugs and took care of the timing belt too. That’ll just have to do until we get you an upgrade. Now then, tell me, would you two like some music?
Are you sure? You can call me when you’re done.
No? Alright. Then how about, tonight, I let you take charge. I want you to tease me, don’t offer the remote. And do that thing where you hand me the case to a lousy action flick, but then I open it up, and it’s my favorite love story. And when I skootch up to you, maybe skootch away from me like you don’t really want to hold me. I love that. But be advised, I’m changing my safe word from “it’s time again for your cuticles” to “I bet you didn’t know that I can French-braid hair.”
First thing in the morning, I’ll be ready for Round 2. And if for some reason I find myself still unable to fix it, I’ll schedule you an Uber, then call your dad and granddad.
Which reminds me, I’ve been meaning to ask you how sooo many things work. Whenever you’re not tired, if you wouldn’t mind explaining…
One more thing, tomorrow, I insist on making the bed. Just in case you have unexpected company, I want to make sure your best massaged foot is forward.
Merrry Christmas AND Happy Hanukkah, baby! Because I can’t celebrate you enough. Please don’t think I forgot about your present. What happened was, I spent all my time and my money thoughtfully making this card, and I knew you wouldn’t love it, and I said I wouldn’t cry…
Love,
[Dude, dont forget to sign your name here]